Moving my mom - which is best

Welcome. I’m glad you found our group. It’s almost impossible to gage how quickly things will progress. One of the most important things to do early on is see a lawyer. You (someone) should be appointed durable power of attorney, medical power of attorney, a living will would be good and of course a will. You may also want to ask a lawyer about financial matters. In some states Medicaid will cover assisted living or memory care, some will partially pay (leaving family to cover the balance), most don’t cover them at all (leaving a nursing home). You will want to figure out what the options are in your state. Consider the value of her house and how long it will cover the cost of al (get some rough pricing ). If you bring her to live with you and you work outside the home, then she will be alone all day. That may work for a little bit but probably not very long. Even if you work from home it’s going to be very difficult to entertain her and keep her out of trouble while working a full time job. If you have to bring someone in to stay with her it’s going to be expensive. I would not even consider buying her a home near you. An apartment close by may work for a short time depending on where she is at now. In my opinion having her 2 hours away in her own home is not a good idea. There are so many little things you just don’t even think about that may be a problem. My mom got a new toothbrush every 6 months when I brought her to the dentist. When I moved her out of Al I found 4 new toothbrushes still in the bag from the dentist. She hadn’t changed her toothbrush in about 2 years(ew). Keep in mind she can lose a skill at any time. Just because she was fine with it a week ago doesn’t mean she is okay with it now. The idea is to stay one or two steps ahead so she is not left in a dangerous situation. This requires constant monitoring (better than I did with the toothbrush). The ability to handle finances is one of the first skills to go. If you haven’t already, you may want to get involved with finances. They are so vulnerable to scams at this stage. If your not careful she could lose everything. As far as moving her within 6 months, I don’t know. You might be pushing it. I was told when mom was diagnosed that she was not safe to live alone. Have you asked her doctor for their opinion on living alone? By the way a patient portal is a great way to communicate with her doctor. Giving up their freedom is very hard. If she is willing to consider a move now, you might want to take advantage of that while you can. Mom accepted her diagnosis, but within a year she believed they had made a mistake and she was fine (anosognosia). I will attach a bunch of resources and links. I hope something here will help.

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/

https://www.consumerfinance.gov/consumer-tools/managing-someone-elses-money/

We just went through something like this with my mom. She lived on her own 2.5 hours away from me after my dad died in December. She started struggling on her own; was not cooking or eating right, we had to take her car keys so she was stuck at home, troubles with understanding schedules and calendar, inability to deal with her bills or her mail, occasional problems using her cell phone and remote control, and just extreme loneliness. We took her to see an AL facility near me and within a month she agreed to move there. We chose it for the reasons you mentioned, and also because it is affiliated with an excellent memory care facility that I know she will eventually need

She does not love living there and I do feel guilty— she would love to live with me and my husband—but our house is not safe for her and I don’t have it in me to be a full time caregiver of a dementia patient, as much as I love my mom. But now she is 5 minutes away from me and I see her every day, and she does love that. It’s no bed of roses, but I know she is safe.

I think you should start now to prepare to move her close to you; a lot can change in 6 months. We have been quite shocked by how much my mom has declined in just the last couple months.