Forgetting we are married

JEA · April 29

My DHWD no longer acknowledges me as his wife. We have been married 30 years and we were very close. About 14 months ago we had an episode when we went on vacation, where he totally did not know me. When we got home after a couple of weeks, he remembered me, but he would occasionally forget. Now he consistently hasn't known me, other than I am a nice lady, for a little over a month. It is getting harder to accept this, and not mention anything about our history. Now he is indignant when I tell him he needs to shower and change clothes, as I am not his wife, etc. I am unsure of what to do…

Dusty217 · April 29

I'm not there yet but expect too sooner than later. I have only been with my DH for 15 years. I think others will have better insight but all that I read says "Don't argue". Tell him your there as an aid or caretaker to give him some help and do the best you can.

blacksparky · April 29

I was were you are now about a year ago. My DW with EOAD forgot my name and that we were married. She always made a big deal about our anniversary and her birthday or major holidays. Now she had totally forgot these dates. I took it pretty hard but eventually accepted it, not like I had a choice, and am now her caregiver. DW now sleeps in her clothes and I can usually talk her into a shower every 4 days or so. I no longer stress over her wearing the same clothes for several days or not showering everyday. I do have to get in shower with her to wash her hair and show her how to clean her privates. My advice to you is to let the stress go and just try to live in his world as people with dementia can no longer live in our world.

Bowerbird · April 29

My DH forgets who I am (we've been married 16 years,) but he is always happy to see me and have me visit him in MC. I tell him my first name if he asks who I am, but honestly I've stopped referring to myself as his wife, because if I do, he becomes laser focused on that and wants to leave with me when I am ready to go home. It is distressing to each of us, for different reasons.

[Deleted User] · April 29

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Bailey's Mom · April 29

My HWD and I have been married for 57 yrs. He no longer thinks that I am his wife…when he occassionally does remember he relives all of the horrible things I have done over the years…(mostly fictitious, but not all!) and tells me that he does not like me very much. I much prefer it now when he just thinks that I am the maid or one of the many people who live in our house (in reality it is only the two of us and our dog). At first it was very upsetting…especially when he would ask if I was his mother, or sister, or if I had ever been married, etc, but now I just go with it. When I would try to explain to him that we had been married for over 50 yrs he would give me a series of 'test' questions to prove it…that got very tiring, very quickly. I am now just his caregiver and not one that he likes much at that!

Jeff H · April 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271351#Comment_271351

Today was our 26th wedding anniversary. I was her best friend today. My DW thanked me for taking her out for breakfast, but I wasn't her husband. I no longer fight the clothes issues or shower issues. Today my DW wanted to take a shower on her own! I just try to roll with what each day brings. It's a tough road at times but I'm in this for the long haul to provide for my DW as best I can. You cannot get mad at your spouse, it's the disease talking through them.

jgreen · April 30

You are one terrific husband and caregiver, @Jeff H Glad your 26th turned out as best as possible for both of you. God bless you.

Maru · April 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271351#Comment_271351

I have been thinking lately about all the things that I used to stress out about that I have let go of over the past year. In some ways, DH's ALZ is teaching me about what is really important.

trottingalong · April 30

I dread the day my husband doesn’t know me. He promises me he will never forget me, but I know he can’t control what his brain will do. I still manage to get him in the shower once a week. I hope we can continue that, but I’ve learned to roll with the punches so to speak.

howhale · May 1

My DW also forgot that I was her husband of more than 50 years, often asking if I had seen him or could I go find him. I learned that time was my best friend (that and keeping my mouth shut and not trying to explain or convince). Because her short term memory was very, very short, if I just nodded, said I would look for him, swallowed my terrible emotional pain and let a little time pass, she forgot. While she often did not know my name or that I was her husband, she still felt safe with me present and would settle quickly. The biggest challenge I found throughout this disease was how to let time work for me and how to acknowledge her in a way which she found acceptable. When alone, I cried a lot, but in her presence I tried to never show emotion other than love, happiness and enjoyment. She knew me, deep inside I believe she always knew me and that I was her person and belonged.

Sunfish47 · May 2

I am in the same boat. Married 50 years this coming September. DH is Stage 5. He sometimes thinks I am his sister (all three of his sisters are deceased). Asks frequently: are you married? Do you have children (we have 2 adult daughters and 4 grandchildren).
He’s constantly with me, shadowing me, waits on a bench outside the bathroom, and if I’m in bathroom more than a few minutes he starts knocking and asking: is that you? 😊 But at least he knows I am his “person.” Still grudgingly cooperative on showers when I tell him it’s ‘shower night’ and can still wash himself. But he insists on sleeping in his clothes, which I am somewhat successful to get him to change underwear and tshirt every couple days.
Has just started having urinary accidents every few days. Our bed is protected with the recommended mattress covers etc, and I’m trying to figure out how to introduce Depends without his anger. I’m gonna watch a few videos on this.
I am def not the wife anymore, just the caregiver. I have accepted this cuz he would do the same for me. And as someone on this site suggested, I am now the “keeper of our memories.”

Forgetting we are married

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