Moving wife to memory care

Damiross · April 29

I'll be moving my stage 4 or 5 dementia wife to memory care soon.

Any advice on moving her would be appreciated.

Should I try to explain to her that she is moving ahead of time?
Should I take her there and wait until she is asleep before going home?
Should I bring all of the stuffed animals she likes the most all at once or bring them in one or two at a time?

Jgirl57 · April 30

1.No 2. No 3. No. I only have experience with a planned 30 day respite but the facility recommended I bring him at lunch time, and then I made up his bed, put his clothes away and then left . I told him the doctor needed him to go to a medical hotel to monitor medication. I would recommend you only give her one stuffed animal she can hold. Any more and they will disappear. After awhile you can adjust and bring more if needed. Depending on your DW’s understanding, the facility director/admissions coordinator can help you plan your strategy. Best wishes as you plan the move .

SDianeL · April 30

The facility helped with moving my DH into MC. They suggested i bring him at lunch and excuse myself and leave and let them get him settled in. My daughter went with me. We told my DH that we were having lunch with a friend of hers. They suggested I wait 2 weeks before visiting so he could settle in. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but it was the right thing to do. The facility let him call me every night after a couple of days.

H1235 · April 30

Trying to explain why she needs to move will probably not go well. Most pwd don’t understand their limitations. My mom thinks she has no business being in a nursing home. I would get the room situated as much as possible before you bring her and leave fairly quickly. I would avoid visits altogether for at least the first week. And even then frequent visits or very long visits may lead her to avoid mc events and rely on you for entertainment. You want her to be sociable and hopefully make a friend or two. I would ask if there is a schedule of activities and try to work visit’s around those and meals. There probably won’t be much room for a lot of stuffed animals. If she finds comfort in them and they are not particularly valuable, I would bring a few of her favorites. Keep in mind staff is probably not going to want to deal with them and too many may get in the way.

harshedbuzz · April 30

@Damiross

The short answer to all 3 questions is NO!

Communicating the move ahead of time will only make it harder for you both. She likely has some degree of anosognosia and being unable to appreciate the degree of cognitive impairment that requires you to seek this level of help. She is likely to believe you are getting rid of her for nefarious reasons.

Different facilities have different guidelines about visiting in the early days. Some would prefer no visitation for the first 2-3 weeks to allow the PWD to bond with their new caregiving team. You would check in with them over the phone. IME, on move-in day, staff often suggest showing up just as a meal or activity starts and having you slip out unnoticed.

The stuffed animals could be a problem. For starters, staff will not want the room crowded with what could become trip hazards. My concern, though, would be the hunter-gatherers. Many PWD are compelled to shop other residents' rooms and will wander off with whatever catches their eye. (There was a man in dad's MCF who routinely took a photograph of mom from dad's room along with his slippers) The stuffed animals will "walk"; be sure you've labeled any you bring in with her name so they can be reunited if they turn up in another person's room.

I would set up her room ahead of time with 2-3 stuffed animals to start and see how it goes. It's always nice to bring a treat when you do visit and swapping out the stuffed animals would be an easy way to do that. I found mealtimes a good time to do this sort of thing behind dad's back.

HB

Moving wife to memory care

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