New Here - Suggestions for Getting Spouse To Give Up Driving?

My advice is to take the keys away. I would also drive the truck away from where he can access it. If he calls the cops because he vehicle was "stolen," I am sure explaining the situation to them would be okay.

You could also remove the battery and/or distributor cap.

Some thoughts—

To the question you didn't ask:

Safety is job one in dementia care. Beyond the very important driving issue which is a personal, potentially financial, and public safety issue, there is the safety of his wife to consider. Aggression and agitation are common even in those for whom it's never been an issue. With someone whose personality borders on abusive as a baseline, it is even more important to seek out medication to dial back the emotions driving the response. Psychoactive medications are best managed by a geriatric psychiatrist. This can be done outpatient or in an inpatient setting if his behavior escalates.

Your niece should keep a charged phone on her and leave if he escalates. She also needs to rid the house of firearms and anything that could be weaponized.

Ideally, his neurologist could deliver the news that it is time to stop driving and notify the DMV. This would allow niece to remain an ally rather than being the one controlling him.

She could, in some states, report him anonymously to the DMV. The truck acts as a visual trigger for someone with poor executive function so it's best to remove it rather than engage in the humiliating and performative act of taking away car keys. Sometimes people say there's been a recall and the vehicle is in the shop awaiting a part.

I would also be certain the insurance policy is valid with a medical diagnosis in his chart. My parents' policy didn't. Mine doesn't. In an accident, your niece stands to lose everything they own. The other piece to this is the progressive nature of dementia; if your NIL were to be sued after an accident, by the time he was deposed and took the stand in court the jury would see a much more impaired person than he was on the day of the accident. (This is a BTDT for me with my non-dementia parent— she doesn't want to live through this)

Niece might want to look into a day program to provide socialization or hire someone to come and drive her DH to activities during the day.

HB

My dad was completely resistant to giving up driving. He lived alone and I couldn't just "take the keys". He would yell at me and tell me he was fine. I was at my wits end waiting for an accident. Finally I called his doctor to tell him the situation, they called him and said he needed to come in for a physical. He said no and hung up the phone. I filed a form with the DMV and they sent him something that required him to be evaluated medically (and take a behind the wheel test if it came to that.) When he got that he called the doctor back and agreed to go in. My brother and I met him at the doctor's office, after some tests (MOCA score 15) the doctor called my brother and I in and told my dad he had dementia and it was the doctor's duty to tell him he can't drive anymore. Dad was shocked but accepting. He was most worried about how he would get groceries but I had a care agency set up to come in 3X a week to take him where he needed to go.

There were a couple times where he tried to get the keys back, and he hid an extra set he had but he was surprisingly compliant. Having it come from the doctor was the only way we made this work.

We also made the doctor the bad guy when my mother was fighting us on giving up driving. It helped that she had recently had a doctor's appointment in which she was told she had "memory loss." We called the doctor's office and asked if they could use that as a basis to say she should not drive anymore. The doctor cooperated and sent her a letter and she accepted and complied with his orders. Supposedly the doctor also reported her to the DMV, but she has not yet received anything from them.

"The reason is that he is still aware of how insurance works and would contact his insurance company to report "the theft'. The truth would eventually come out. Even if she sold the truck (she has POA), he'd probably just buy another one then."

If her POA is an active inforce DPOA then she should have the authority to freeze his credit , remove his access to their funds - even if it means changing banks-changing PIN codes and getting a PO Box so he can't access financial documents when mail is delivered. The lawyer who drafted the DPOA can explain the documents parameters. [I'm not a lawyer of course]. If he get scammed recovery of funds is hard to impossible.

The fender benders could have been caused by inattention, bad judgement or vision problems [caused by the brain changes]. Or sometimes just lack of empathy [had a PWD post at fault fender bender tell me 'well they shouldn't have parked where I wanted to' from a person who pre- Alz would drive across town to return a borrowed dollar.]

That same flawed thinking is going on while he is alone in the home.

If she hasn't seen an elder law attorney, and with her vacation home proceeds, now would be a good time to pre-plan their finances should he need placement or in home care while she works. Trusts etc may give her more options. And if she hasn't changed her DPOA naming another person now would be the time as he can no longer step in for her.

Enter "driving" in the search bar of this discusion for additional advice/opinions

One of the most effective practical steps is disabling the vehicle without making it obvious, things like disconnecting the battery, removing a fuse, or simply having the car moved somewhere inaccessible and even hiding the key can work well since someone with Alzheimer's will often forget about it after a short while rather than persistently trying to fix it. If he is also experiencing vision changes on top of the cognitive decline, getting a formal driving evaluation from an occupational therapist who specializes in driver rehabilitation can produce a professional written recommendation to stop driving that carries more weight than a family member telling him the same thing. His doctor can also file a report with the DMV in most states which can result in a license suspension or mandatory retest without it feeling like it came directly from the family.

I got most of my references here:

https://hopebridge.care/how-to-tell-an-aging-parent-to-stop-driving-without-conflict/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_age_and_driving/

https://www.aao.org/eye-health/tips-prevention/vision-driving/

You have been given excellent advise. There are agencies that conduct driving test to determine if someone is safe driving. The test is close to 3 hours with computer generated scenarios and local driving. If they fail, some agencies take the license away on the spot. This can also be used as evidence for a neurologist or DMV to revoke the license. His car insurance company will not cover an accident. Whether it is his fault or not, he will be at fault because he should not be driving with this diagnosis. They will get sued for everything they own. Alzheimer’s impacts driving with spacial orientation and reaction time due to lack of focus. Do whatever it takes to stop him from driving.