Finances

bessey52 · May 1

Am encountering extreme difficulty removing my wife, diagnosed 3 years ago with Alzheimer’s, from financial access without being accused as controlling or treating her like a child.

Ed's mom · May 1

We don't have a diagnosis, I'm trying to do the same thing because her spending is out of control. Do you have a Durable Power of Attorney?

I understand the child part because it's screamed at me on a regular basis. "I am not a child", "who do you think you are?", it hurts Bessey52, you are being protective yet accused of being controlling. There are times when you have to do what you have to do. I am eagerly awaiting the weight a diagnosis will give me.

"You can't reason with someone who's reasoner is broken", best motto ever.

harshedbuzz · May 1

@bessey52

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

This is a fairly common problem for a lot of folks here. The agitation over losing autonomy around finances and driving is hard but guard rails have to be in place lest the PWD cause harm to themselves or others.

Some strategies that have helped others—

Go paperless for all billing. You can explain that the various credit card companies, utilities, etc insist on automatic payments now.

If you're not comfortable with that, get a PO box and change your important mail to be sent there.

If spending is an issue, consider putting a daily limit on her credit/debit cards. If she spends online at sites like amazon, consider signing out and deleting saved methods of payment. TBH, it would be prudent to keep her off the internet by changing the WiFi password and slipping her phone into airplane mode.

HB whose dad lost $360K daytrading online because mom refused to take a hard line.

harshedbuzz · May 1

Also— freeze your credit with all 3 credit bureaus asap. This will prevent her applying for credit and hopefully prevent her being scammed.

BPS · May 1

I think it depends on how much she remembers and watches the accounts. I opened a separate account in my name only and moved money from our account to my account (not all at once) and still paid the bills out of our account. I lowered the limit on the credit card she had. My wife had given up worrying about the bills so it would not have been a problem if I hadn't done anything but I was concerned about her clicking on something and getting scammed. There was once she was upset because she got an email saying they were going to cancel her social security if she didn't pay some back taxes. She didn't click on the link but she could have. You need to protect yourself and by doing that you are protecting her.

Timmyd · May 2

Having to deal with an angry spouse with dementia is horrible. You have received a lot of good advice. If the choice comes down to financial ruin or angry DW with dementia, my choice was to deal with the anger. In the moment, dealing with the angry spouse with dementia feels intolerable. My reality was that over time, the disease progressed to the point that concerns about spending are no longer relevant. The financial damage that can be done during that phase however can last much longer.

H1235 · May 2

My mom told me it’s her money and she can spend it however she wants and I have no right to stop her. There has been a lot of anger around money. When I first took her debit card she had moved in with my brother. He kept it in his wallet so she didn’t lose it. She was fine with this since my brother let her but what she wanted. When I moved her to Al I took the card and we stopped visits to the store. She would make a scene, demanding she was going to buy something she didn’t need. She is in a nursing home now, but refuses to let me bring home her empty pop cans because she wants to bring them back so she can have the money. She had demanded to see her bank statements many times. I usually just “forget” to bring it. She told me she didn’t dare get her hair done because no one ever tells her how much money she has. I have no answers only commiseration.

Maru · May 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75935/finances

I changed all the primary person on all our monied accounts (banks, investments, credit cards, etc) too me as the primary. Doing so enables me to change passwords as often as needed. DH still has access but I can change that if necessary. However, my DH is not very computer literate so he could not change all that by himself. DH understood early in this journey that I would eventually be in charge of the finances so it was a mutual agreement.

Sunfish47 · May 2

All the advice given here is very good. You should heed it.
This is a phase that I hope does not last too long for you. At least not long enough to do any real financial damage.
My DH was sending money (a few hundred dollars in total) to several admirers he met online, and also sent two new iPhones, and was in the process of investing a large amt in a scam that he believed was real when I and my daughters found out and stepped in to stop it.
I then opened accts in just my name (with the daughters as beneficiaries) and transferred all cash and brokerage accts to me. I then called his credit card companies to complain of fraudulent charges which caused the companies to discontinue those accts. When the replacement cards arrived in the mail I destroyed them, and told him he lost the accounts due to fraud (which explanation I was very fortunate that he accepted). And fortunately he didn’t know the steps to take to get new credit accounts.
We are past that phase now. At this point he’s on a child’s level where money is concerned, so I no longer have to worry about financial damage. I make sure he has at least $40-50 in his wallet at all times so he feels content that he “has money” and he can treat us when we go for fast food burgers. 😊

Snipe · May 3

My DW always took care of all our bills and finances . I was 20+ years active duty and spent a lot of time away. I never had to worry or be that involved in it after even after I retired. About 6 years ago one of our credit cards bills got paid about 3 times, in the same month…. After that I noticed a few other issues and I started taking over the bill paying and banking. It was definitely difficult at first for both her and me to accept. However, as others have said, she doesn’t even think about it now. I also changed the online banking access, credit cards, investments accounts to 2 step verification to my phone. I auto pay everything where I can and I took her credit card out of her wallet, she would hide it, and just keep $25 in it so she has money. I also notified our investment manager of her condition in case she called to get “her money “ out of her 401k. Although, at this point, I don’t think she could call and make any sense of what she wanted and she definitely couldn’t do it online anymore. It’s hard to do but once you get past the initial push back phase it all gets forgotten, sadly, just like most everything else.

ARIL · May 3

I am so sorry. This is a hard phase, I know. The advice above is very sound: electronic autopay, some new accounts in your name only, tight controls on access and spending possibilities. All these things are important to ensure financial safety.

When I became POA for my dad and started managing bill payments, I found that his spouse was writing 50-60 checks every month to political scammers in amounts equal to about 7 times her monthly earnings. My efforts to get that under control involved several things that have been suggested to you. Those efforts also involved my being screamed at on many occasions by the spouse. I am grateful that that period is now over, although my memory of that time is still close to the surface. It was rough.

Some general information about managing finances for PWD is here:

https://www.alz.org/help-support/i-have-alz/plan-for-your-future/financial_planning

Wishing you well

notequipped · May 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271562#Comment_271562

The link that you provided is incredibly helpful. Thank you for posting it.

Goodlife2025 · May 5

Just sharing - This subject (finances) is a painful part of our story and has been a much harder journey than getting my DW to stop driving. DW grew up as part of a cult (not kidding) and was put to "work" at the age of 5. By the time she was 13 she was filing her own tax returns and has had her own business bank account since the age of 15. This business bank account was hacked a couple of years ago and was one of many mini financial disasters we endured before diagnosis. This account has been dormant since that disaster and only remained opened because DW had a melt down when we tried to close it earlier. Fast forward to this week and we closed the account without DW ever questioning or understanding the what or the why. So sad to see this piece of her gone, sad the financial and emotional turmoil that was the focus of this account, sad that something she held proudly for most of her life is not only gone but really forgotten. And me - glad to have this off my "gotta get done" list but also wistful reflecting on what it means.

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