Three Month Ramblings

CindyBum · May 1

Tomorrow will mark month 3 since my DW's passing. I've spent those three months traveling and riding on the rush of gratitude I've felt about having ever met her and my relief at not watching my DW suffer every minute of the day. I'm glad to have those feelings still. But, I've also realized that with each bit of business I have to do — dealing with the will and trust, closing her bank account, rolling over IRAs — I become completely overwhelmed and it takes me weeks to complete things. With the will, I misplaced it three times and each time took me hours if not days to find it again. I'd absent-mindedly set things somewhere and poof…gone. It's been kind of crazy and concerning.

So, I'm not doing quite as well as I thought and my mind is certainly not recovered from the exhaustion and constant stress of caregiving. I can't imagine that I'm alone on that. I also feel myself just drifting along from day to day. I retired and then my DW died 2 months later. I'm floating around without any anchor right now. That I'm mostly ok with. I need the recovery time, obviously. It's still odd for someone who's charged hard at things in this life so far. I'm learning to embrace the quiet and no plans thing and think I'll be ok as a retiree. Ha! Such a struggle to not work. Who would have guessed?

I also sit here staring at the wedding ring on my finger. I'm not sure I'll ever take it off. Have any of you managed to do that?

I miss her so dang much, y'all.

howhale · May 2

Understand how you feel. In the first few months after my DW wife left us there were so many things to do that I was kept busy much of the time. Then there was the exhaustion which caught up so I slept more than normal. Your wedding ring comment strikes a deep sense of sadness for me. Well before my wife passed I had to stop wearing my wedding ring as she kept trying to take it off my finger and I knew as soon as she did it would be lost. So, I stopped wearing it and now it sits carefully put away beside her wedding ring which was a match. I think of having them connected by a jeweler so I could wear it but still trying to decide. I felt as if I might survive this loss during those first few months. And then it hit me. As the frenzy of things that had to be done and needed to be done was caught up, the excess time I have, the silence in our home, the loneliness each evening, the absence of her hit me and drove me down again. Now, almost nine months later I am still struggling each day without her. The activity tasks caught up. Any moment when I am not actually involved in reading, hobby, house work, etc., etc. finds me fighting not to cry. I cannot eat a meal without reading or the sadness overwhelms me and I just toss the food. Find things to do, stay busy as much as you can, wear your ring and be watchful of the silence, the loneliness, the grief sneaking up on you at any moment. I did have small buttons made to wear on my shirt with her picture and dates. I wear it any time I leave the house so she is always with me. I guess that substitutes for my ring which is now to large to wear safely. People do notice the small button and often ask about it and her which I like.

Quilting brings calm · May 2

@CindyBum

Unfortunately I have had 4 deaths and have handled all 4 estates in the last three years. The brain fog and inertia you are describing is perfectly normal.
I tried to get one thing done on the estate(s) every day. One phone call, one errand, one letter- just one. If I could manage two - ice cream made a great reward. I used a spiral notebook for each estate and I wrote down whatever I did, the date, the phone number, address etc. I put everything for the estate in one spot and kept it there until I closed the estate. Still working on my sister’s and I have two plastic totes that are in the family room on the floor next to the loveseat. One contains the paperwork I brought from her apartment, the other manila folders of what I’ve done. It doesn’t help that you (me) seem to have to contact the same people repeatedly throughout the process. That’s where the notebook really helps remind you of who you need to call again today.

FYI- do not feel guilty about the traveling. One thing I’ve learned about estates is that it’s a marathon, not a sprint. My spouse and I went to Florida for a month in January. The estate stuff waited until we got back. There were a few phone calls I could make, but I didn’t have corrected death certificates ( they put the wrong SSN) before we left. In fact, they didn’t arrive until we got back. My sister’s home state didn’t get in any hurry getting out documents.

CindyBum · May 4

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271510#Comment_271510

Oh, howhale. It's so damn hard, isn't it? I cry mostly in the mornings and evenings. I do mostly keep myself busy during the day, but it's still sort of just drifting along. I have told my friends that though I cry, feel lost and miss her so damn much, that I'm giving myself a year to try and find my footing again. I'll vent, for sure, but I also know now how deeply into the grief I am and that it will take at least a year to even imagine who I am again. It seems fair to me.

One of the funny asides. On my last little trip, some guy hit on me. Lol. Let's just say it's been a few decades since that happened. He cut off the conversation when I scratched the side of my face and he saw my wedding ring. While sort of flattering, I don't need any of that right now. That's enough for me to keep it on for while. Ha!

CindyBum · May 4

Four!?! My goodness. This board offers so much from the kindness of you all, as well as the perspective from the difficulties everyone is encountering. That you so much, quilting. I'm going to slow down a little and just move through each of these things at a slower pace. There really is no need for me to be rushing through all of these details.

howhale · May 4

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271642#Comment_271642

Thanks for sharing your story about the effect of your wedding ring, it was joyful to read. I hope a year proves enough. A group in which I participate for spouses who have lost their loved one to AD has several into the second and third year who are slowly beginning to move ahead but even then it is hard. I don't know what life will look like later and cannot consider how to try to shape it. At nine months I am still just hating what is lost. We have to take whatever time it takes to find our way forward and others just have to deal with it. Their frustration or discomfort with me is their problem. If they think it is bad for them, come walk in our shoes.

GothicGremlin · May 5

@CindyBum Giving yourself a year makes a lot of sense to me.

I didn't lose my spouse, I lost my sister (which is different). Handling her estate, contacting her friends, and generally wrapping everything up took a lot out of me, not to mention the years of caregiving. I thought I was doing fairly well until my s.o. and I went for a quick vacation to Hawaii. Usually we do a lot of snorkeling and hiking, but this time I mostly sat by the pool. We discussed out our of character it was for me to do that, but that was almost all I was capable of. I needed to just soak up the sun and look out at the ocean. It took me about a year and a half to really feel like my old self again.

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