FTD

It is hard to keep your cool in the moment when you are on the receiving end of your mom's frustration. Also hard, but necessary, to remind yourself that the outbursts are a result of the disease itself. Things are out of her control, she feels it, but she honestly cannot perceive her own deficits so she blames those around her.

If her anger or anxiety is extreme or you see that she's a danger to herself or others, ask her doctor about medication to take the edge off. Unfortunately, you and your dad are going to have to be the bad guys to keep her safe. That may mean restricting her access to finances, meds or driving ... or eventually all of those things. Make sure you or dad have DPOA so that you can legally act on her behalf.

Blessings to you. Come here often, you will find lots of advice and support. We know how hard it is.

Welcome. So sorry you need to be here. Here are a few ideas that may help. Someone here suggested trying to view their loved one as patient and you the caregiver vs mom/son or husband/wife. Expect that you will always be wrong (it’s hard). If it doesn’t matter just let it go, even agree with them. Apologize for what they believe you did wrong. Never try to reason with a person with dementia it will end in an argument that you will lose. Avoid any topic that may cause anger at all costs. This can make it difficult to have a conversation because there are so many topics that cause anger. It’s like walking on egg shells. I have found it very sad that in moms last few years she will believe I have treated her unfairly, when in fact I have worked so incredibly hard to take care of her. As much as I hate the idea that medication is always the answer, I have to admit it can help. I’m not just talking about medication for her, but for you as well. The pressure, stress, anxiety and frustration involved in caring for a loved one with dementia is a lot. I waited too long to accept that I needed something to help me get through this. Medication for mom has taken a while to figure out, but it has also helped some. You might also try to see a counselor. Mom has seen a counselor, but I’m not convinced it does any good. She is not capable of remembering coping strategies suggested. It gives her someone to talk to and complain about me to, but I sometimes wonder if it just gets her more fired up about things. One of the most important things you can do early on is see a lawyer. A DPOA is very important. I will add a few resources. I think learning more about dementia can help a lot. It’s hard!

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

Imagine if you can the world they live in. Everyone smiles but you can sense their frustration and anxiousness brimming at the surface.

You think, "I'll go get a few things from the store." Sorry, you're not allowed to drive.

You think, "I'll go for a walk or sit in the garden." Sorry, the doors are locked and you can't leave.

You think, "I'll make some hot tea." Sorry, the kitchen is off limits.

You think, "I know I put my wallet right there." Now it's gone, someone must have taken it.

You think, "I'll buy my friend a gift," but you have no access to your own money anymore.

They say, "It's time for a shower," but you know you just took one this morning.

You think, "I'll watch TV" but the remote doesn't work anymore, it must be broken.

You say, "I'd like to call Helen" but are told she can't talk right now. Helen has been dead for years.

They say, "Here's your medicine," but you know you already took it, they must be trying to trick you.

You know you have to be somewhere at a certain time but they tell you that got cancelled today.

You know you are seeing strange people in the house but no one believes you.

They say, "I just want to help," but this help is something you never asked for or wanted.

I can't imagine what living in this world is like, how scary, how confusing. Their reality is real to them and there is no way to make them understand otherwise.

If they could, they would say, "Thank you."

If they could, they would say, "You're right."

If they could, they would say, "I appreciate it."

If they could, they would say, "Now I remember."

Wow, You explained it very well. Thank you.

I have only been on this roller coaster for year and it seems like forever. Their reality is not yours, often I will inhabit my mother's reality with her and that can settle her down. It is very real to them. Recently we have had to resort to medication. She would sometimes get very agitated and want to go home or insist there is an upstairs. There is not. No matter how hard we try to reassure her, nothing helps. She wants to call the police, go to the hospital and is determined to go "home", although she has no idea where "home" is. The agitation is more frequent, earlier in the day and way more intense. The doctor recommended Xanax. I'm not sure how much it helps. Others have suggested Kladopan? I really don't want to start medicating her but this is way beyond my capabilities. It's frightening for her and beyond stressful for me. I wish had more helpful insight or suggestions.

Thanks for listening.