CG for Spouse with ADHD & early stage AD

Dear @B Lynn

If you haven’t already, see an Elder Care Attorney as soon as possible. It is best for you to get your affairs in order and learn about options for your husband. Go by yourself first, and then get advice on how you can get your husband to next appointment. I have not looked into placement for my DH yet, but understand that the Oasis organization can be helpful with information about in-home care and also with placement options. If not them, Elder Affairs or a Commission on Aging might work.

You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Your husband with AD is never going to see, understand or acknowledge his condition. So save yourself from the frustration of trying to reason with someone whose reasoner is broken.

Take one step and one day at a time. We are here to offer tips, support and an ear to listen whenever you need.

one more thing …,; some of the smaller group homes might be an option if there are any within a one to two hour distance.

In reading the responses to your post I haven’t seen Anosogosia mentioned, though I may have missed it.

Here’s info I copied from a search:

“Anosognosia is a neurological and psychiatric condition causing a person to be unaware of their own mental health issues or physical deficits, such as not recognizing they have an illness like schizophrenia or dementia. It is not a conscious "denial," but a physical brain dysfunction affecting self-awareness, often resulting in treatment refusal.”

it’s one of the most challenging aspects of my husband’s ALZ for me to deal with. I learned not to mention his dementia or declining mental and physical abilities as it only results in anger from him.

B Lynn,

I can relate with what you are dealing with regarding the ADHD and then AD. My husband has dealt with ADHD his entire life and also has a son who was successfully medicated in his teens. Although he recognized the need for his son's medication, my stepson, he refused to do it for himself. We talked to his original neurologist about adding an ADHD medication but he was not really in favor of that at the time. There were many times I wanted to leave before the AD diagnosis. My husband was self employed in the restoration business. This meant many large unfinished projects which now are impossible to tackle with his memory issues. Throw in COVID, a blood cancer diagnosis and ongoing treatment, and a house fire where everything we owned had to be thrown away or professionally cleaned. The fire also meant everything in the lower level of our home, that was fairly organized, was moved quickly and all mixed up. Boat and car parts thrown into trailers with no regard to identification. We are now living in a much smaller home in another state but we have garages, storage units and a large shop to figure out. Although he would like to be part of moving some of these unfinished projects down the road, he cannot remember enough about them to be of much help. I have a few people who worked with him in the past who are willing to help. That being said, everything falls on me to coordinate. I post things on Craigslist and Marketplace which has beeen somewhat successful. We recently went through the loss of driving privileges which was extremely stressful for both of us. I came down with shingles for the second time in two years. Although I have some health issues, I try,at 75, to remain as healthy and active as possible but it is a struggle. On the positive side, as the AD has progressed, my husband is much calmer and not as aware when he misplaces things😉 He understands he has memory loss much of the time but that has taken years to admit. He often jokes about it. This morning in his fresh fruit there were more blueberries than most days. When he asked why, I said they are good for our brains. His response was, I don't have a brain and I replied that we needed to preserve what we both have left. He is very funny and witty. Much more so than in previous years. We have hired a local handyman who works with a few guys who are willing to do many things at a reasonable rate. Maybe someone like that might work for you. Previously, I also located a retired man thru a realtor who was willing to take on more unusual tasks. My heart goes out to you. I was hospitalized a couple years ago with two bowel obstructions shortly after the house fire. I wasn't sure I wanted the bowel obstructions to resolve. Caregiving is difficult for all of us but some people had a more organized and stable life to start with. Others have more challenging situations than I have faced. Try to be kind to yourself and understand you can only do so much in any given day. I make weekly lists and am delighted when I can cross some things off. My expectations for what is possible are fluid. We try to make the best of every day as we contine down this path. Feel free to private message me if you ever want to email back and forth directly. Hugs to you.

B Lynn, I used Thumbtack.com to find someone to help me sort and go through things. I think I used them for 4 different sessions. My DH never accepted he has Alz. Hang in there and write as much as you want and as often

Sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. I have health issues as well, so it can be pretty stressful trying to take care of your own needs as well as your DH. Many of our kids and grands have some level of it with one adult grandchild on meds for it. I definitely would NOT recommend ADHD meds for someone with AL. They are generally uppers or stimulants, which may help them to focus, but now you have someone with AL on uppers. That could be a nightmare, esp.if the person is prone to angry outbursts.

What I have learned is to let go of what is non-essential. I only have so much energy so I use it for what must be taken care of. Great if you can hire someone to come in and box up and store all the stuff (that is cluttering up your home. That will certainly help you be calmer. It's tough being a caretaker and needing to care for yourself as well. In reality, you are number one here, so do what you must to take care of yourself so you will be able to take care of your DH.

Someone posted on another thread - Resources - about CareYaYa. Perhaps you’ve heard of this organization. I never had, but it seems like a good option to look into when I need it. I’m able to care for my DH right now but I likely will need help in the future. Here is the link — https://www.careyaya.org/about

BLynn,

Yes, lack of sleep is huge. My patience, stress levels and energy are so affected by lack of sleep. I am sure you have tried strategies and maybe even meds to help with that but can your doctor help you make that a priority? Last night was one of those at our house. I also tried to incorporate compensatory strategies such as post-it notes, white boards, calendars, phone reminders to no avail. They just made me more frustrated. My husband told the speech and language therapist, while going for cognitive therapy, that he didn't need to learn anything new to help with his memory because he had me! I try not to dwell on all the past issues/projects that are now left in my lap so to speak or they would eat me alive. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other as my husband tells everyone. Yes, we have had some earth angels cross our paths especially after the fire. I too hope they continue to stop by on occasion. As far as worrying if you are at the beginning of the end, I can also relate. I needed PT several times over the last couple years for various issues. My PT worried about how I looked at one point and described me as frail which I didn't know was a medical term. This gave me a wake up call to try to work on myself a bit more. I am certainly not as vibrant as I once was but trying everyday to stay as active and healthy as possible. Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

As someone diagnosed with ADHD who has previously been medicated, I can tell you that even though stimulants may be prescribed they do not have that affect on a person with ADHD. Newer non-stimulant medications are also available.