Navigating Long Distance

Welcome. If you don’t get many responses, you might want to try posting in caring for a parent. This section doesn’t get as much traffic. I really don’t see any kind of a solution here. What a horrible position to be in. Maybe you could grovel a bit and get your sister to sent your sister to send you occasionally updates in the form of a text or email. If there are hard feelings maybe a form of communication that doesn’t require her to talk with you would work. I hope you can figure something out.

If the POA is restricting you, there likely was an attorney involved. Your sibling should be responsive providing the name of the attorney they are using. You could contact that person and explain how you want to support your mom as much as possible but that information is being withheld. I believe the attorney will support that information be shared with you regularly. The attorney will understand and protect that your mom's best interests are that she continue to maintain a relationship with her children. Your sister will likely be angry; however, you are estranged at this point. Given today's times, there are websites that can be used to post medical updates without any human interaction. Unfortunately, if you sis refuses to share the attorney she is using, you may need to get your own which could be costly. It is, however, an option.

I'm sorry. I had a very difficult relationship with my sister and it was nothing I could put logical sense to. I think it had a lot to do with trauma during her childhood and the dementia allowed her to gain attention from my mom that she never had when she was growing up. The behavior your sister displayed was not rational and you do not need to subject yourself to that treatment. A last idea is for you to reach out to a social worker in the home. Tell them you are not seeking any private information, rather, you just want to speak on the phone with your mom. You can't ask for this favor a lot, as personnel are so busy, but maybe once every couple weeks the social worker would be willing to sit beside your mom and put the phone in her hand at a scheduled time. Otherwise, perhaps an attorney may see this post and share if there is anything else you could do. I agree that dementia really exacerbates family disfunction.

What I have seen people do is to say, "I'm Betty (whatever your name or whatever she called you) and I'm here to see you." That takes all of the pressure off of her to 'remember' you. Yes do a reassuring pat on her shoulder or kiss on her cheek, that she'll remember, just not your name.

Its difficult, but she's having a hard time.

eagle

@CGrindy Yes, a friend in another state died of Alz in 2024. For several years I sent cards to her regularly and enclosed a picture or two in each one—usually one with her and me and another with me at my current age. Her caregivers would read the messages to her and told me she would light up at the old photos. I often sent the same ones over again.

There was no interaction, except when I went in person a few times, and this was not a relative, but I did get the impression that the photos helped.

In my current situation, I try to show my dad pictures of the people who send him mail, although I have to fish out pictures myself. Seeing the pictures helps him, and he often expresses recognition. At least he gets a positive feeling about it, even if true recognition isn’t there.