Rinse and Repeat
Every so often depression rears its ugly head, throwing me off course. While helping my husband out of bed today he tells me he’s tired of sleeping under an X-ray, it hurts his legs. I calmly tell him I will make sure it doesn’t happen again. He feels better, I feel sad. He won’t remember the conversation. Live in the moment. I do most days. Am I sad for him because he recognizes his own confusion, or in reality am I sad for me, grieving my loss. Many conflicting emotions. I’m strong, I’m capable. I’m also hanging on a thread that’s wearing thin. Tomorrow I will wake up, rinse and repeat and carry on. That’s what we all do, right?
Comments
-
Trottingalong you’ve nailed it, you’ve nailed me today and this week. Depression has landed on me like a blob. I wish I hadn’t but I looked at some photos and videos taken only 4 years ago. DH is smiling, joking, talking; I look fit engaged dare I say happy. These last few weeks I feel tired, sad, depressed and I cry at the drop of a hat. DH can no longer string a sentence together, he shuffles along and is not interested in anything except being at home and will not cooperate with care from his Carer for 2 hours a week. The sad thing is I think I feel better if we are left alone and I don’t have to make conversation or think either. I am beginning to feel very tired and very dozy. It’s awful.
17 -
Oh Biggles, I always feel for you. My husband can still speak, but also shuffles around and doesn’t leave the house. Like you, I actually do feel better being left alone with him. I work in the yard and play with my dog. Plan dinners he can’t taste and attempt to entertain myself and try not to dwell too much on what we used to have. I miss laughing.
8 -
Depression took a firm hold on me this week as well. My husband, probably early stage 5, could win an award for his showtiming when on the phone with friends. This week he’s begun just sitting and glaring at me. He responds when I ask what he wants to eat, and talks with contractors working on remodelling his bathroom. He’s been “napping” more during the day which usually means his brain is tired and needs rest. I need to learn to let myself sit with my feelings, acknowledge them, then move on. His married son is taking him for a few days next week so hopefully the respite allows me to recharge. Hugs to us all. ALZ sucks.
13 -
Dear @trottingalong , @Biggles and @Chance Rider
Thank you for putting into words how I’ve been feeling the past 3-4 months. Got to the point where I finally sought out help with psych nurse practitioner. She agreed with me that I had anxiety and even some mild depression. I am now on low dose med, seeing her and also a counselor at her recommendation. I can say that my ‘meltdowns’ have decreased (maybe once every other week from 2-3 times a week) and my mood/demeanor around DH is more even keel. I do have my moments though where I call him names under my breath (not like my former self) and have to leave the room. I cannot say it is any easier, but I do feel that if I hadn’t done this my health would have really declined.
You and our entire group of wonderful caregivers are always in my prayers. I hope each of you can find a few moments each and every day where you can pause, refresh and regroup to carry on. As @Chance Rider said - this disease sucks!
9 -
Oh yes, rinse and repeat! Depression comes and goes with me. I too feel it's easier just to be alone. Thank you for saying exactly how i feel lately. I too feel better just being alone to deal with my DH.(stage 7). He is mostly in bed now. Sometimes I just set and stare out the window. I give myself permission to do this for a bit then I get up and start to doing things I have been putting off. I do try to walk every day and go out for a little fun once a week. The struggle is real. Staying in the present gets harder every day.
12 -
While some choose not to treat the depression with medication, I greatly encourage those who are open to that option to pursue it. It really CAN help. It may take a little bit to find the type and dosage that is effective for you, but it's worth it. Depression as a caregiver is unfortunately part of the package, and I actually became a patient of my mom's psychiatrist as she got to the middle of her disease. We often recommend people enlist the assistance of paid help if they can, I look at an antidepressant as another tool in the arsenal. I read periodically of murder-suicides of elderly people, and often it is the caregiver and the person they care for. It's heartbreaking when it happens, and it can happen because you get so down it feels like you will never emerge from this pit.
8 -
@dayn2nite2 I have found that taking an antidepressant to be very helpful. A few months ago during my annual physical I told my PCP that I needed help. I still get depressed and anxious but no where near as much as before. Since my behavior has improved so has my husband’s as I’m much less reactive.
7 -
Yep I’m in the same boat. It’s hard. Dealing with DH diminishing cognition since he was 79, he’s 84 now. It’s never ending and he’s slowly deteriorating. Constant questions over and over, doesnt know where we live, “sees” people from his past here in the house, can’t find the bedroom or bathroom, cant use the remote or his cell phone, hides things under the pillow or mattress, can’t speak much anymore, has to be reminded to go pee, thinks his mother is still alive, doesnt remember his children or grandchildren, etc, etc, etc. Stage 5.
I call him my senior citizen toddler, but in truth, a toddler learns each month and progresses in their abilities - DH is just worsening.
Every few days I am hit with a bout of pity for me and him. In his right mind, he of course would NEVER have chosen this fate. No one would. So sad.
I hope we don’t have to go all the way to the bitter end. He had a great life for 79 years.
My regular medical checkup is this month and I think I’ll ask my pcp about a mild antidepressant for me.10 -
Wow you just described my life in a nutshell. I had a caregiver come for two hours today like she has for months. All of a sudden my DW with EOAD was yelling at her and telling her to get out of the house. Sometimes I feel it better just the two of us sitting here alone and waiting for I don’t know what. It is very depressing.
10 -
I hope the break allows you some time to relax and regroup.
2 -
@trottingalong thank you. I hope to use some of the time to clear out over 20 years of junk my husband has accumulated in our garage and basement. While it’s a lot of work it’ll be a huge relief to get accomplished. I can’t throw anything away while he’s home as it really triggers his anger. Sigh.
5 -
I understand.
0 -
So many posts in this thread are me.
4 -
I feel for you. I went on a mild anti depressant and it did help.
3 -
For me, my anxiety medication doesn't take away the thoughts that cause panic and depression, but it keeps my body from feeling the effects. I am better able to cope. It's like taking an aspirin for a headache… I avoid taking anything if I can lay down and get rid of the headache. But, when I am busy, when people are counting on me, when I have too much to do, I will pop an aspirin for that headache in a flash to get through the day. That's how I feel about my anxiety meds.
When my DH is gone (which I pray is no time soon) and I can find ways to cope with my feelings without his reliance on me, I will wean off the SNRI and find other solutions. But for now, it's keeping me sane and making it possible to get through each day.
I still feel like I just want to become a hobbit and stay in my pajamas all day, watching TV while DH naps in his recliner. But the meds give me just enough of a clear mind to know that I have things to do and I can't give in. So, like @trottingalong says, rinse and repeat it is.
5 -
I find myself when I'm really struggling to "live" in the future. "When this is over……" "When I have freedom…." "When I have a normal life…" But then of course those thoughts tend to add to my sadness as they indicate I will then be in Stage 8 and my DH will have gone on.
6 -
What a strange life we are living trottingalong I often think will it ever be over and then what. What an awful, challenging, sad journey for us all.
9 -
The feelings expressed here describe my life. My husband is early stage 5 I estimate. Fortunately I can still take him out to dinner and to our grandkids ball games but it is very stressful. He is very unsteady and although he has been someplace 1000 times. He acts as though he has never been there. He is losing weight and has no idea about time, the day or even the season . Like some of you I look at old pictures to try to connect with all the good times. Even though I try to get him out of the house, sometimes I find it too exhausting to even try,
10
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more
Categories
- All Categories
- 643 Living With Alzheimer's or Dementia
- 357 I Am Living With Alzheimer's or Other Dementia
- 286 I Am Living With Younger Onset Alzheimer's
- 17.9K Supporting Someone Living with Dementia
- 5.7K I Am a Caregiver (General Topics)
- 8.8K Caring For a Spouse or Partner
- 3K Caring for a Parent
- 232 Caring Long Distance
- 187 Supporting Those Who Have Lost Someone
- 13 Discusiones en Español
- 1 Vivir con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 1 Vivo con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- Vivo con Alzheimer de Inicio Más Joven
- 12 Prestación de Cuidado
- 3 Soy Cuidador (Temas Generales)
- 8 Cuidar de un Padre
- 23 ALZConnected Resources
- View Discussions For People Living with Dementia
- View Discussions for Caregivers
- Discusiones en Español
- Browse All Discussions
- Dementia Resources
- 8 Account Assistance
- 15 Help