Mother very angry - need help

cbartkus · May 11

My mother was diagnosed about 2 years ago, and she's steadily declining. She has haunting memories come every week or so of when my father had an affair over 20 years ago. They got back together and had a whole life after the affair, but she is reliving the experience of when she first found out about it all those years ago. She threatens to kick him out of the house, call the police and gets extremely worked up. It will go on for anywhere from 2 days to a week and then she's "back to normal" and happy and loving with him.

As a family we do not know what to do because he is her primary caretaker, but she refuses his care at times. We do not know when its time to put her in a facility -- when she's good she's good and when its bad is very very bad.

We need advice.

Victoriaredux · May 11

How does your Father respond when she raises the topic? Has he tried saying, "You are right, I was wrong, you didn't deserve that" , soft and tender- versus a "not that again , aren't we over that?" approach and say why he values her , then try a deflect with how about a cup of tea , cookie etc.

Many times they feel the anxiety of a long ago hurt and no longer have the ability to think it through so the turmoil brews . They are stuck in time. Hopefully he can soothe her.

You can also try talking to her PCP or memory care doctor about meds for anxiety so her extremes aren't as large.

Here's a video on saying Sorry from Teepa Snow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vasnp81x63E&t=8s

cbartkus · May 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/272167#Comment_272167

Thank you, Victoria. I think he does need to watch these videos. I will send them to him. That said, he has absolutely tried apologizing and the soft and tender approach. But her response is grounded still in the hurt and like it just happened.

caregiving daughter · May 12

Perhaps highlight the situation to your loved one's internist to see if some anxiety reducing medication could be helpful.

dancsfo · May 12

I'm not sure if your mother is using medications. The anger I saw was not as extreme as yours, but one of the medications (memantine) have reduced its occurence.

cbartkus · May 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/272262#Comment_272262

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/272252#Comment_272252

Yes, she is on some and my dad went back to the doctor yesterday.

H1235 · May 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/272336#Comment_272336

Medication can be tricky to get right and just when you think the doctors have it figured out there are more or worsening symptoms. It may be the medication needs to be increased. What an awful situation. If medication doesn’t work maybe it’s time to consider a facility. Keep in mind facilities can have a waiting list. If you think there is any chance this might be necessary, you might want to get her on a waiting list. Even if this issue is resolved somehow, it’s always good to have a plan B. What would you do if something were to happen to your dad?

cbartkus · May 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/272372#Comment_272372

Thanks — we can't afford a facility. This is one of the hardest parts.

H1235 · May 14

Medicaid can be tough to figure out. It can be complicated anyway, but with a spouse still at home it makes it even harder. To make it worse everything varies by state. I would not assume she doesn’t qualify unless you have talked with a lawyer. This might help some.

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/

Mother very angry - need help

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