lack of empathy with my mother

Cinaschi · May 13

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in September 2025. At the moment it is a medium/mild disorder, she still lives alone with my support. She is not able to take her medicine independently, she does not know how to do the shopping, she has difficulty preparing meals. She is not yet a danger to herself even if more and more often she does things without knowing or understanding why. For a few months I have been reading forums, magazines, books, watching videos, conferences etc etc ... and in addition to the difficulties that I share with all of you, I am in a new phase that worries me a lot. I see that you all have and show an unconditional love for your loved one, but I can no longer do it. I no longer recognize that person as my mother, I can't love her, I no longer feel any empathy. I can no longer talk to her, I am slowly reducing my interventions to ensure that she lives better, I tell myself that it is all useless anyway, so let her live a little as she wants. I do the bare minimum—shopping, buying medicine, taking out the garbage—but now if she doesn't wash, instead of encouraging her to do so, I just let it go and wait for her to do it on her own. I'm worried. Has anyone else been through this? How did you get through it?

SusanB-dil · May 13

Hi Cinaschi - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

I get it. DH primarily takes care of MIL. I help him more than I help her. Her feelings changed toward me when she no longer knew who I was, and she has totally screamed at me, kicked at me, and was just generally nasty. I only agitate her other than when we are eating. I sympathize with her state of mind, but I just don't feel the connection we used to have. at all. I help DH. I help with the shopping, making sure he gets respite, and basically just stay out of her way. I miss what used-to-be, but I know that is long gone.

To get through it - we do have someone through the day. You could look into adult daycare a day or two a week, or, it would probably help if you got some help with you a day or two, or even a few hours - to make sure she does get bathed, and give yourself a break. That is important - that you get some respite from mom.

H1235 · May 13

Welcome. Do you have DPOA? If so I would look into moving her to assisted living. Just because she is not a danger to herself doesn’t mean she cant go to Al. Her inability to fix her meals and take medication may even be enough to qualify her for a nursing home and Medicaid if that is the only financial option. Even if she doesn’t want to make the move ( she probably won’t), with the DPOA you can sign all the paperwork to make that happen. Make up some kind of story that there I are electrical problems in the house, or water and mold in the basement making the house unsafe or that she needs to go in for some kind of rehab. Tell her Al is temporary. If you hold a DPOA and are not making sure she has what she needs, this may be considered neglect. If you can’t or are unwilling to care for her I hope you can get her to a facility where she can get the care she needs.

caregiving daughter · May 13

Your situation sounds very difficult. You have moved from daughter to caregiver and there is a huge emotional toll that goes with that transition. In any of your research, have you identified a support group. Not a virtual one, rather, a live group of people you can cry, vent, and even laugh with a little. You need to be a priority, just as much as your mom. Having said that, the illness and its' effects are not your mom's fault—potentially harmful to you, but they are not her fault. The posted comments on DPOA are critical such that you can make decisions such that she is protected and cared for. A legal framework would allow you to potentially change the living situation. In the mean time, do look into daycare, do see if your area on aging offers a couple hours a week of no charge respite care in your home, and at times when you do need to provide necessary care, pretend you are a paid caregiver and give yourself permission to detach a bit. Doing so may allow you to forget all the hurt and be kind. Sometimes it's pretending that ends up being sustainable.

pamu · May 13

It sounds like your mom probably needs MC now. If you don't have help to commit to the 24/7 care needed, you and she will soon be in crisis mode. Try to shift your guilty feelings of detachment and focus on getting her the care she needs (hard to do…I know from experience). That could be home care aides or MC. If you haven't already, get POA and contact her state's dept of aging/dept of health for resources, and/or an elder attorney. Sending you well wishes…this is so very difficult.

AmandaF · May 13

I think the feelings of detachment you describe are a normal part of the grieving process for many people (myself included). I think they’re also a sign that you need to find someone else to be responsible for her care. You say she’s not a danger to herself, but would she know how to handle an emergency at home alone? Is she still driving? This disease can progress quickly and sneakily, and you don’t always know how bad it’s gotten until something dramatic happens. If you find a way to move her to a MC setting, you can engage as much or as little as feels right, while also knowing that she’s safe and her basic needs are being met.

terei · May 13

Some caregivers need to learn to detach and do their best for a PWD as if it was a job they were obligated to perform. My own mom was not an especially difficult AD patient and did not speak at all the last year or so of her life, but I found myself sometimes to be very impatient with her, sadly. During those times, I stepped back mentally and tried to be objective and not emotional about her care. You sound like you are losing your own identity because of multiple daily demands to scaffold her life, instead of concentrating on your own needs. It can really foster resentment, especially if the mother your knew and loved is really ‘gone’.

I would look at AL if at all possible where her meds, meals and doctor visits, activities can be on site. Like you, I read and read and read about the disease for months and it virtually took over most of my waking thoughts even when I wasn’t hands on with her. It’s hard to step back

ARIL · May 14

So sorry about all this. Frustration with this sort of situation is common; I think most caregivers feel it from time to time. I echo other suggestions for getting your mom care that’s not you, since what you describe does not sound “mild” at all. Leaving your mom alone to make her own choices could become neglect (even legally), depending on her actual abilities, which are going to decline further. Please know that the fact there is no cure doesn’t mean that leaving a PWD to their own devices is a good idea for them or you. You don’t have to be the one providing care, but your mom needs care.

Have you looked for a therapist or support group for yourself? It’s a hard road we are all on.

psg712 · May 14

It may sound here as if we are all unconditionally loving towards our PWD ... I assure you that the loving feelings come and go, there are days when we are going through the motions out of duty, there are days we feel angry that our parents (as we knew them) have left us, there is always baggage from past family history ... it's not always devoted children caring patiently for sweet befuddled older folks! That said, we do love our parents and want them to be as safe and content as is possible with this horrible disease.

I agree with the others who have said that sometimes it helps to look at your parent from the perspective of a caregiver rather than the child. I'm a nurse by profession so I try to think about how I would advocate for my mom if she were a patient in my care. It takes a little of the stress and guilt out of the equation for me. I also found that once mom was in a facility, I could more freely be the family member (and still her advocate) than when I had responsibility for the endless details of her care and safety.

Emily 123 · May 15

Hello,

I’ve been where you are. I agree with others that it’s time to place your mom. “She is not able to take her medicine independently, she does not know how to do the shopping, she has difficulty preparing meals. She is not yet a danger to herself even if more and more often she does things without knowing or understanding why”.

This is a person who, because the disease removes their ability to think logically, will not be able to rescue themselves in an emergency. It only takes one time for her to act on some random thought or misconception to throw things into crisis mode.

Her needs have now outpaced what you can reasonably provide, and you can’t stretch any further to be the 24/7 resource to keep her in her home. You have caregiver burnout.

Placement would allow her to have her daily needs handled, and you to go back to feeling more like a daughter. I would search the forums for threads about what to look for in a good AL vs a good MC. MC will be more expensive, but are generally staffed better to support the resident's dementia. Sometimes people can find a loving care home for their loved one, so that can be an option too, and might be less expensive.

meganchill · May 27

New here and this makes me feel not so alone. I am basically shutting down around my mom, who is in moderate ALZ and vascular dementia and has lived with us for two years. She is oriented enough to converse with, reasonably stable emotionally, can dress and go to the bathroom on her own, and I have daytime care while we are at work. But I am completely numb around her now. I don’t understand why. I don’t even want to chat with her. But now I know I am not alone, and maybe this is a phase.

Emily 123 · May 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273402#Comment_273402

Been there. It's hard not to feel trapped when you're having to defer things in your day-to-day life, and disengaging from having to watch each loss is just self-protection. It's not that you don't love her or don't care about her, it's just that it's a never-ending pile-on of sadness and extended grief. At some point your brain decides you need an emotional stand-down.

These videos helped me make more sense of what I was feeling.

Seeing a counselor can help. Make the time for yourself.

For your own health's sake, would you consider placing her?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHsKOSvAyLo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG4IE2rgw2A

MamanMe · May 28

New here. I’m a nurse trying to cope with the same emotional detachments for my LO-mother. I can’t stand feeling that way. And being in the business, taking care of others in the same condition makes it even harder. My mother sundowns to the point she doesn’t know who I am. It hurts, because I can’t convince her otherwise. I know the disease is progressing, but I wasn’t ready for this part-my own emotional pain that comes from the symptoms.

lack of empathy with my mother

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