both parents have dementia

Nicole5 · May 12

Hi

My mom has a diagnosis of Alzheimer's (early stage but noticeably progressing), my dad, while he doesn't have a formal diagnosis, has some form of dementia. They live together in their home. My mom has anosognosia, thus denying anything is wrong with her. It took us 2 years to get her a diagnosis and she refuses to take any meds from the neurologist. She struggles with depression (from confusion and other). I called her PCP and asked to have her antidepressant increased, he did, but mom got angry that it was changed and refuses to take the new dosage. (An example of the depression—- spent the day in bad, sad that no one called for her birthday, but her birthday wasn't for 5 more days).

We (their children), don't know where to start to help them. We had visiting nurses/therapists after a set back with Dad's health in December. However, mom and dad would cancel the nurses or not be home for the appointments. (They still drive- only together and only a 2 mile radius).

Each day is plagued with arguing, confusion, not eating, eating at all hours, agitation and more. We want to help. We don't know where to start when both parents refuse to acknowledge that anything is wrong. "We are fine" is what they say when we inquire on meds, bring over meals, offer to help with chores. We know they are struggling. We know driving is no longer safe. We have taken over the bills (that was a battle, but they have since forgot and think they are doing it). We have POA's in place. What else can we do for the day-to-day? Each day we are worried and waiting for the next crisis. These are young parents- both in their 70s and rapidly slipping away.

H1235 · May 12

I’m glad someone has a DPOA, that’s so important. They do not sound safe. The job of the DPOA is to protect them and keep them safe. There will NEVER come a time that they say we cant drive or we shouldn’t be living alone anymore. Because of the anosognosia they may (probably do) put themselves in dangerous situations. My mom thought she could paint her 2 story garage. It is so hard to go against what our parents want, but to keep them safe it’s necessary. When the dr prescribed medication to help stabilize moms moms mood she was furious(cussing and swearing)! I waited a week til she had calmed down and told her the doctor wanted her to take a new vitamin. There was no problem. They don’t need to be consulted or informed! When we moved mom to Al my brother insisted we tell her what was happening before hand. I told her I had signed all the papers and she would be moving to Al (period). She was so incredibly mad. She hardly spoke with me for weeks. But she was safe. Some people here have suggested telling their lo there is a problem in the home (pipe burst in the basement, electrical problems…). Then present the move as a temporary thing. If you use the search on this site I’m sure you will find a lot of threads about how to move a lo to a facility when they don’t want to go. There can be a waiting list to get into a facility, so I wouldn’t put this off. Even if your family is not ready to move them now, being on a waiting list may allow you to move them in a hurry after an incident. I would remove the car from the premises. You might try, a grandson needed to borrow it because he is having car trouble, or disable it and tell them you will take it in for repairs (you may need to make excuses about the repairs not being done for a while). You were probably taught the importance of being honest by the very people I’m suggesting you lie to, I know how wrong this feels. These lies are often referred to as a therapeutic fib. These fibs allow you to keep them safe without causing them to become upset. We have a rule here never try to reason with a person with dementia. No matter how much evidence and facts you provide they will not understand and it will usually end in an argument that you will lose.

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

SDianeL · May 12

welcome. Sorry about your parents. Don’t discuss meds with your Mom. If the doctor increases the dose don’t tell her unless it’s more pills. If she won’t take them, crush them and put in pudding or applesauce. You must take control to keep them safe even if they get angry. Stop the driving and maybe getting caregivers back in would work. Maybe fib and tell them the doctor prescribed a visiting nurse for your Dad. They should no longer live alone. They need 24/7 care.

Nicole5 · May 13

Thank you both for your advice. We are going to have to look into caregivers for now.

harshedbuzz · May 14

@Nicole5

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to join us her but happy you found this place.

This sounds like a precarious situation all around. Safety is the single most important piece of dementia caregiving. Those who hold the POA have a legal obligation to make that happen by whatever means. It's great that's you're already keeping them safe financially; it's past time to stop the driving. Dementia impacts the skills needed to safely operate a vehicle fairly early in the disease— response time, executive function, empathy, and spatial processing can tank early on. Your 2-mile radius is a false sense of security. If and when they get lost, they could drive until they run out of gas. Beyond the ethical implications of risking their wellbeing and the safety of the community, the POA could be held liable if they injured or killed someone. Also, look into whether their insurance is valid if the driver has dementia. The diagnosis voids many policies. Even if dad doesn't have a formal diagnosis now, were he to be sued the process takes considerable time during which his progression would be obvious to the judge and jury.

PWD tend to function as well as they do because of the scaffolding their spouse provides through the day in modeling and prompting skills and routines. This is even true when both have dementia. If one becomes sick or injured and needs to be moved, the other will crash. This means you need a robust Plan B in place— if mom breaks a hip and goes to a SNF for rehab, would one of you move in with dad? Hire 24/7 caregivers? Place him there as well?

When dad resisted caregivers, we told him it was for mom's knee surgery and that these people were hired by the surgeon and he couldn't dismiss them or they'd both need to go to rehab. If something like that isn't enough to keep carers in the home, it might be prudent to place them in a MCF together now. This would give you the luxury of making the choice in an unhurried manner and allow them to settle in together or separate them if they don't get along right now. Separation could mean different suites or even facilities.

While 70s can be "young", it's not unusual to start symptoms of dementia. It's not even considered Early or Young Onset Dementia. That said, it's important to have your dad evaluated. There are other treatable conditions that can mimic dementia. Dad had mixed dementia but one was actually from a Thiamine deficiency; had it been identified and treated early he would have had a better quality of life until his Alzheimer's progressed. I'm still not convinced my mom doesn't have some MCI running in the background, but her memory and executive function improved a lot after she was treated for Lyme Disease.

HB

psg712 · May 14

Nicole. What a nightmare. One parent with dementia is more than enough challenge! My DH had an uncle and aunt in similar situation to your parents. Their only child was a doctor with a busy practice. He visited his parents regularly and brought in groceries, helped with finances etc. It wasn't enough. After a series of small fires, complaints from neighbors about disturbances when the couple fought, and a flood in the basement, the son finally moved them to a facility. They ended up having to live in different parts of the facility because uncle blamed aunt for everything and would get violent. The crazy thing was that although all the family, including elderly sibs of the couple, agreed they weren't safe at home, they were angry with the son for moving them. Sometimes doing the right thing for safety brings criticism, but it's still the right thing to do.

Bringing in caregivers for your parents is great IF you can manage 24/7 coverage. Otherwise there is still time alone for them to get lost, start a fire, leave the water running, take the wrong meds ... the list is endless. Might be time for a meeting with your sibs to review their situation and start working on the tough decisions. I wish you the best. This is hard.

both parents have dementia

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories