How to handle wanting to drive

PalmReader · May 17

Hi All,

My DH, who definitely should not be driving, talks about driving EVERY DAY. His car has a dead battery, and he has been told by his doctors that he should not drive, but he brings it up every day. He wants his precious car fixed. He wants to drive. He has driven 3 times in the past year, and the last time he swore he would never drive again because it gave him such anxiety. He thought he was having a heart attack. He told me it was so scary he never wanted to drive again. But every time he sees his car, which is parked on the driveway, he wants to drive it. He is very persistent. We try distraction and changing the topic. He sits in the car and tries to start it. He says he wants to go to the garage and ask them to fix it. I am out of stall techniques. Any ideas?????

blacksparky · May 18

Maybe have it towed to a friends or relatives house and tell your DH that it is at the auto repair shop. If he asks just say they called and have parts on order. You can probably use that excuse whenever he asks. I did this with my DW and actually sold it. After a while she just stopped asking. Not driving is one of the hardest things a PWD faces as they are losing their independence.

H1235 · May 18

I would get rid of the car! Seeing the car is probably triggering. With any luck it’s an out of sight out of mind thing 🤞. That may not happen at all or it may take a while. Tell him you will take it in to get fixed and then just keep making excuses for the repairs not being done yet. Then avoid ANY topic at all that may lead him to think about his car. Keep any answers to his questions about the car repair vague, short and immediately change the subject. Even still it may just be a sore spot for him that never goes away. There is no use in explaining or trying to use logic to get him to understand, it will only upset you both.

Sweetwater · May 18

Remove the car. Agree with H1236.

beachwalker5 · May 18

Get rid of the car (sell it, donate, park it at a friend's). They'll be pissed at you for a short period but then they'll forget about it and move onto the next grievance. One of the few silver linings of this horrible situation we're all in: people with dementia rarely hold a grudge….kind of like parenting a child, it's not a popularity contest, it's about caring for their welfare and keeping them safe.

notequipped · May 18

Agree with removing the car. My Mom was driving me up a wall about the car and living in her house. She has been staying at my house since my Dad was hospitalized before he passed away recently. Her car also thankfully has a dead battery. With the key and key fob in hand, she can’t figure out how to get in it. She has called a neighbor repeatedly asking him to fix it. Recently, we were at her house while a repair was being done. She kept going in and out. She had walked to the neighbors to talk to him about the car again. At her last dr visit with her PCP, her dr was trying to be gentle, told me to call DMV, etc. After the 3rd time that my mom brought it up, she was much more direct with her. She hasn’t mentioned it since.

JC5 · May 20

DH hasn’t driven in a year! His car is at my son’s house and we tell him it’s being fixed. He does not believe us. He’s called my daughter at least a dozen times a day believing her boys are using it. I am convinced he will never stop asking for it. Everyday all day ! Yes it is maddening and if anyone comes up with a “magic forget the car pill “ please let me know :)

Answers needed · May 20

The loss of driving privileges is perhaps one of the most image damaging things that can happen to one's sense of self; especially for men. I frequently struggle with paranoia and accusations from my DH regarding this issue. I agree with others here that explanations and reasoning do no good. The best I can do is to try to change the subject. If that proves unsuccessful, I just remain silent and don't reply at all. Sometimes that makes him upset as well, but at least I am not allowing myself to be draw into a pointless "discussion" and am able to maintain my own sanity.

Michele P · May 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76065/how-to-handle-wanting-to-drive

Take the advise you were given. Move the car, sell it, get it out of his sight.

PalmReader · May 26

Thank you all for your advice. A friend came and helped get the car to the shop, where it will be sold. My DH thinks they are working on it. He asks every day about it. I have to come up with a lot of excuses. I hope he stops asking soon. He’s also upset because he only has 1 car key now. He was carrying them both in his pocket, even sleeping with them because he didn’t want his keys taken away. He’s very agitated. I know I can’t reason or rationalize with him. This is so hard!

Sandi Roe · May 29

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76065/how-to-handle-wanting-to-drive

first off in California the doctors are mandated reporters so they sent it to the DMV. He was required to take a driving test, which he past, but couldn’t find the DMV going there🤦‍♀️so I sold his car, told him he can’t drive my car because he isn’t insured on it, brought him the book so he could take the written test. He never opened the book, his license expired, I hate doing all the driving but I always take him when he asks to go somewhere. He was a retired police officer so he still says he knows the rules. I have such better peace of mind now .

How to handle wanting to drive

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