Grieving Together

While I can't speak for every family, I've seen that the 'storytelling' approach can be incredibly healing, but it definitely looks different for everyone.

From what real people have shared, the key seems to be letting go of any expectations. Some families try to sit down for a formal 'grief circle' and find it feels too forced or heavy. Instead, the ones that seem to find the most comfort are the ones where it happens naturally, like sitting around the kitchen table with a photo album, a cup of tea, or their loved one's favorite meal.

The 'good' results are usually that it breaks the ice. After a long illness like dementia, everyone is so exhausted and traumatized by the end, and sharing the old memories, the funny habits, the silly jokes, the pre-sickness days, helps remind everyone of who the person actually was. The only 'bad' or tough side is that grief hits everyone differently. One sibling might want to laugh and talk, while another might need to sit in silence or cry, and that can sometimes cause a little friction if people aren't on the same page.

It’s definitely a journey, but keeping their memory alive through stories is a wonderful way to move forward. Hopefully, some others here who have done this recently can chime in with their direct experiences, too!

We never did anything quite this formal after my sister's death. Ours was more spontaneous.

But on the first Easter following her death …

A few of my cousins and I were talking and I mentioned that Peggy's friend T had recommended some of the music we used at Peggy's life celebration. Peggy and T had been in an '80s covers band back in the late '80s and early '90s.

My cousin was shocked and asked "T is alive?" I said yes. Then she asked if T had Alzheimer's. I said no (because she doesn't). My cousin said "Stay right there! I have to bring over my parents!" Off she went to go get them, and then I told them that T is alive and doesn't have Alzheimer's.

Apparently Peggy told them all that T had Alzheimer's and that she died of it. What could we do? We laughed. I said something to the effect that Peggy was our unreliable narrator. More laughter.

And that interaction broke the ice. We all then sat around munching good food and telling Peggy stories. Some of the stories were from before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and FTD, and some were more recent.

I had been expecting a somber Easter, but it turned into a really great time. And I think the ice breaker story and the follow-up stories helped us to move forward a bit.