Care conference

H1235 · May 21

I had a care conference meeting at mom’s facilities. They insist mom attend so there is really nothing that can be accomplished. I don’t ask questions, because most would upset mom. Mom has threatened to air all her grievances against me, but thankfully hasn’t yet. So these meetings really stress me out. We managed to get to the end of the last meeting when they foolishly decided to ask her if she liked living there. She got irritated and said she didn’t belong there and no one will even tell her why they she has to be there. I have tries early on and she didn’t believe anything I said. She looked at me and told them I refused to give her any answers. I said nothing (I’ve learned my lesson on this subject). I figured they started they can figure out how to handle it. So mom looked to the nurse for an answer. The nurse told her it was because she has problems with her memory (probably more anosognosia). So mom asks the nurse to give her just one example of her having a bad memory ( they remind mom of everything, when lunch is ready, when to shower, activities, give her medication). The nurse couldn’t think fast enough and didn’t reply. Mom very sarcastically says “what’s the matter did you forget”. She has made this comment to me before and even suggested I was the one that belonged there not her. The nurses jaw dropped. I don’t think they really see this side of her. It’s so crazy that she thinks she can mow the lawn at her house because she can push a walker, but still has it in her to deliver a comeback like that. I’m not sure the nurse ever replied and thankfully moms anger didn’t linger.

psg712 · May 21

Wow what a zinger. Just shows how strangely the brain can work, when she is that quick on the draw but can't recall routine stuff. Is there any chance that the facility people are getting a clue - the care conference will be more productive without mom at the table? The nurse explaining to her that she has memory issues...wow. definitely not dementia informed!

H1235 · May 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/272906#Comment_272906

She can’t afford mc so I have her in a nursing home. It’s not ideal, but still a nice place considering she is on Medicaid. I think including the patient in these meetings is policy. I tried to explain how ridiculous it was to have her there and how I couldn’t say anything, but they just assured me I could ask questions anytime. That’s not quite the same. I dread the day she starts listing all her issues with me (not bringing her hearing aids, needs wood beads from her house, wants her sewing machine…) If I try to explain to staff why I haven’t brought her the hearing aids (she doesn’t remember how to use them) she what get very angry. Yet it kind of seems like a reasonable request and I can picture the staff siding with mom and getting backed into a corner. I shouldn’t stress about things that haven’t happened.

April23 · May 21

My dad was in several places before we settled on his RCF and not one of them suggested he have his hearing aids and in fact, by the time he got to his RCF (the one place where he probably could have them), he was on his second pair and had lost one of those. PWD can’t keep up with them and the facilities don’t want the responsibility.

Maybe it would be good for them to hear her rants because they would have a better understanding of the situation. Also I agree having her at the conference makes no sense.

The important thing is you found a good place and she’s getting good care and she’s safe. I’m sorry you feel you must remain silent. Does the SNF have a social worker you can speak to separately or have at the meeting? My dad is now on hospice and the SW has been a great help with family dynamics.

ajzjmsmom · May 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/272910#Comment_272910

Oh gosh, one more thing to worry about. My FIL has hearing aids that he screws with constantly but thankfully he hasn’t lost them yet. He also has partials and he sticks those suckers everywhere. We have found them in his CPAP water holder, in the glass with his toothbrushes and toothpaste. If he lost his hearing aids that would be the end of the world.

Emily 123 · May 22

Yes…the AL my mom was in at first was very much like that—dragged her to a care plan meeting and tried to reason with her about hygiene. Absolutely ridiculous. And they knew she had dementia, and it was a locked door facility with 'demetia care trained staff'. 🙄

Nothing says 'I care' like stressing your resident out, right?

My mom's hearing would come and go, and was pretty clearly tied to when she would be at her 'fuzziest' with her dementia. I eventually bought her one of those little hearing boosters with just an on/off button and a thumbwheel for the volume for about $30 at the time,

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B019EDGWGO?ref_=ppx_hzsearch_conn_dt_b_fed_asin_title_3

and a $10 plug-in Sony headset. Was much bigger than a hearing aid, so didn't get lost. If she was having trouble hearing I'd just pop those on her. She wouldn't remember to use them on her own.

ARIL · May 22

It sounds as though these “care conferences” are held so they can tick a box and say they’ve done one. It is hard to see how this benefits anybody… But maybe in this case the staff will begin to understand more about your mom’s condition. I hope so. You are handling a difficult situation with as much grace as possible. And I am glad that the place seems OK overall.

This is just all really hard, isn’t it?

I agree that it is better to try not to worry about things before they happen, but we are all susceptible to that! Hang in there. Your mom is so lucky to have you.

Quilting brings calm · May 22

The nurse at the AL my parents were knew better then to do the annual care conference with them. It was done with me only.

JulietteBee · May 23

@H1235, your mom must have been a hoot in her pre-Dementia era. That was such a witty slap back. It actually made me laugh.💛

I get it that you do not feel at ease to speak your mind with mom present. However, I'd allow her to state all her grievances. I believe, by so doing, the staff very well may end up becoming your allies. They will see how impaired mom's thinking is.

My DM takes pleasure in asking me to "Give me one example of xyz." Most times, I simply tell her there have been so many occasions that I cannot name just one. She accepts that answer, for the most part. If she is in a confrontational mood, she will insist that I name one. When I give her one, she invariably tells me, "I don't remember that."

April23 · May 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/272952#Comment_272952

This is a good video by Teepa Snow on the subject. My dad would just inexplicably take his hearing aids out and just drop them on the floor or wherever. Eventually your FIL may get there but this explains why it can happen.

https://youtu.be/vUsD8zRHuWo?si=XmWFzqUZT-gWUEdh

H1235 · May 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273021#Comment_273021

This is a totally different personality for her. She would have never said something like before dementia. It absolutely amazes me that she could think of such a witty comeback. Im kind of glad she said it. They were poking the bear (as we say in my family). They should have known better. I would never ever ask mom if she liked living there. One time someone referred to it as her home. That did not go over well either. Usually it’s just me that gets her attitude. I would say nothing to stop her from airing her grievances. I just worry staff may side with mom without me being able to express my reasoning or concerns. If I were to give mom a reason she would tell me very clearly I don’t know what I’m talking about.

lilacgirl · May 23

Wow, that comeback sounds like something my mom would say!! A lot of what you say sounds like my mom, in fact!!!

Care conference

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