Mom is in memory care, she “wants to buy a condo”

kzwilliams · May 22

I just had to put my mom in memory care in March. Prior to that, she was in the assisted living side of the facility, and I hoped it would meet her needs. She first moved to the facility in November. It’s been a quick progression.

Then, and especially now, she wants to buy a new condo. She knew that we had to sell the old one, and she’s even managed to hunt down realtors names and numbers! When she was in assisted-living, she even managed to go so far as to set up some appointments. This is after months of not really doing much, and I was doing everything for her.

I don’t know what to say or tell her anymore. I’ve tried to ask her what she misses about home, a piece of advice that I’ve read, and she can’t tell me. It’s just “I want to buy a condo” on repeat I try to redirect, but how can you? I have to tell her no. The only thing is to change the subject question completely? Or just ignore the question. It’s just increasingly frustrating. My brother also gets several calls a day asking to move. What do I do? I know this is probably never going to end.

This is getting long, but I guess it feels explain it to a group of people who can relate.

She was getting increasingly paranoid at her condo at the end, and thought that people were trying to break in, people were at the door, or on her balcony, kind of impossible. She’s even thought that somebody was under the bed. I remind her of all these things, and tell her that where she is, she’s safe, but it doesn’t work. Of course.

I hate that she hates where she is. But, I think she would hate where she is anywhere. Even though she’s miserable, now that she’s in memory care, I can finally breathe, I can go back to work, and I get some time to myself. I lived with her starting last August, and basically gave up my life until April when her condo closed, and I went through all of her items, and then coordinate the move from AL to MC.

I live out of town, which is hard, but I go for about five days once a month. I will probably be able to go even longer here and there. My brother is there and sees her 2 to 3 times a week. I haven’t moved her out of her city because she loves it, and frankly, I get more support from a network of friends and family there than I would if I were all by myself.

MN Chickadee · May 23

Have you tried a therapeutic fib? Say yes mom, we will work on getting you a new condo. I will call some realtors when I get home. Or I left some messages with realtors, I'll let you know when I hear back. Or let's wait a few months until interest rates come down and then we will start looking. Find whatever fib will end the conversation for now without distressing her and then re-direct the conversation. Rinse and repeat. Therapeutic fibs and distraction are pretty much the only things that work. Reasoning and logic are generally useless due to the brain damage. You may need to remove her phone, or let it go to voicemail knowing the facility will call if it's an emergency. Repetitive calls are common for PWD in memory care who have access to a phone.

Maru · May 23

You need to step into her world as she is not capable of living in yours. Chickadee's advice about therapeutic fibs is right on target. As to her calling realtors, there are phones that only allow certain calls in or out. I've been told IPhone has that capacity. My DH has Boost (VOIP) and he is only allowed to call or receive calls from the people that I put in his contact list.

harshedbuzz · May 24

@kzwilliams

Every stage of dementia is challenging, but I found the stage of dementia where you find yourself the hardest. When a PWD still has enough with-it-ness to get stuck and machinate on an idea that is no possible for them. It's both sad and exasperating.

I think a therapeutic fib may work better at this point if she hasn't the skills to benefit from being engaged in reminiscing about her condo. You could kick the can down the road: "Your doctor wants you to stay here for now until you're stronger" or "XYZ Builders is building a brand-new condo community with all the bells and whistles— let's tour that when it's ready to move in".

In time, her short-term memory will shorten which will make it easier to to get her unstuck using redirection, so do try it from time to time.

Given that you don't have the ability to drop-in often, you may be predisposed to spending more time with mom on visits than most would be hard on both of you when she gets stuck. Sometimes you can break the perseverative cycle of chatter about a difficult topic by excusing yourself from the situation. Perhaps you could claim to be checking on something/using the restroom and just keep walking to the car. You could come back in a couple hours. Sometimes it helps to come at mealtime (you could bring takeout from somewhere she likes— it would offer a new topic of conversation) or go with her to an activity.

Sometimes medication can help a PWD get unstuck. SSRIs can be prescribed for this kind of repetitive behavior and the anxiety driving it.

Your brother needs to know that he doesn't need to take her calls. He could let them go to voice mail and return them later; she might have forgotten about the condo idea by the time he returns the calls. The facility will call if there is an emergency or need-to-know issue. Some folks use burner phones, with the ringer off and a personalized outgoing message just for their LO.

Another thought, you mention keeping mom where she lives now because of a network of friends. If some of these folks are her contemporaries (her sibs or friends), I would be watching them like hawks to be sure they aren't feeding into this. IME, some older people tend to take personally any kind of necessary restriction on a peer as a personal affront and will always take the side of the elder valuing autonomy over safety every time. After I moved my parents north because of dad's dementia and inability to be mom's medical advocate, her friends and neighbors bombarded her with harebrained notions of me stealing her independence and coming back to FL over my objections. I had to block calls from the most rabid of the bunch.

HB

kzwilliams · May 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273029#Comment_273029

I’ve tried a few, but these are new, so they might be more helpful. She’s actually called realtors on the phone, and have has their numbers, so this might be confusing, or encouraging. But, I’ll try just about anything. Thank you.

kzwilliams · May 24

Thank you. I noticed that on the AL side, when she was trying to get to the airport, this was another one, tipped off the crisis that put her in memory care. It was , but this is when it became apparent. A lot of the residents didn’t recognize it, recognize it, and many tried arrange to help her to get to the airport. Thankfully, she didn’t know how to order a , nor has the , and it was kind of beyond her to arrange for a cab. The friends that do visit, which now, know the situation. Her siblings all live in California, and they all know as well. I will keep an eye on it though.

.Becky. · May 27

Tell her she is in a great condo. She has a wonderful laundry service, meals, housekeeping. When she says she wants another place, tell her you will check. Later, lie and say there are no available condos. The realtor will call you when a unit opens up. Hard pivot to another subject. Don't indule further condo talk. Repeat this as many times as needed.

H1235 · May 28

I wonder how her other family and friends respond to her wanting to buy a condo. Do you think any of them could be encouraging it. Do her visitors understand her need to be there and how unrealistic a condo purchase is? Are her finances protected? I would find a way to block her phone from unwanted incoming and outgoing calls. I think there is a thread here somewhere about how to do that. I would go to extremes to avoid anything at all that might remind her of purchasing a condo during your conversations. You have been given good advice above. You may find this is just an ongoing problem for a while. Hopefully she moves on from it soon.

Mom is in memory care, she “wants to buy a condo”

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