On The Outside Looking In

Family gatherings. Supposed to be a time of love, fellowship, sharing, talking, laughing, etc. What happens when you have lost your DW of many years, months have passed since that day and you attend a celebratory family gathering? I have anxiety beforehand trying to anticipate comments, greetings, the possible impact of symbols of the one lost and more. And then I arrive with trepidation, but wanting to see them all again. Smiles, hugs, kisses, arms around the shoulder, all come to say hello. It is like a reunion. Easy chatting, most refrain from those terrible questions about how I am, thankfully. No time spent with any one too long as they move on. No conversation too deep. A half hour has passed, much activity in greetings and easy chat. Time to eat and all begin to prepare their plate, I hang back out of the way. In the past I would have been in line with my DW as we helped each other make selections. Watching as they find seats with spouses, immediate family and close friends. There are seats open at the periphery of groups, on the edges. I find myself standing in the middle of the event watching, looking. Kind of like a statue in the center surveying the event. Couples eating, smiling, chatting sharing. Close family members collected. Not much hunger here for me so I watch as the event progresses. Kind of like being on the outside looking in through a window. No one aware of me watching from afar. A few glance in my direction but quickly look away as if unsure what to say or do. I know their feeling. The event settles for now into light conversations, the din subsides, I watch standing apart. It is time for me to depart. I am uncomfortable and feel as an intruder on happy times. I sense an air of being uncomfortable and not knowing what to say or do with me and that is not what I want. An hour and a half passed now of what will surely be a long afternoon and evening but it time for me to exit. I signal the hostess and silently slip away. I am uncomfortable, I sense the discomfort or confusion of others. I am the senior member of the family, the patriarch, if you will, but I don't fit now. They would all strongly argue the point but words cannot replace the truth, the actions. Will it get better? I honestly do not know now. I guess time will tell and I will attend other events but always knowing my time to depart may come quickly for now. And then the long lonely drive home alone in our car to an empty home filled with silence. Is this the life of the one left behind? If so, then the powers that be should have some grace and allow us to depart together.