Unsure how to approach FIL about stair use

ajzjmsmom · May 25

I have posted numerous times about our caregiving for my FIL but we are becoming increasingly concerned about him using the stairs into the walkout basement. For as long as I have known my FIL, their walkout basement was his man cave, which included his bathroom/shower , when he was DX's 2 years ago, eventually my MIL unplugged the television and hid the remotes and disconnected his computer but she still allowed him to use the bathroom in the basement. The stairs are steep and he has issues with his knees, he only goes into the basement 1 time a day to shower but it is becoming a challenge for him to navigate, heck it is a challenge for my 64 yr old SIL, my 61 yr old husband and I worry about my husband on the stairs due to his hinged knee replacement . My DH had mentioned to his mother and sister repeatedly about his concerns about his Dad using the stairs but they both just said, he likes to use the bathroom.

He gets belligerent when you tell him he can't do something, any ideas on how to make that switch to the bathroom upstairs that he uses? It doesn't have the same layout as the one in the basement nor is it as large but if he falls, the next step is going to be MC due to what the fall will do to him. Once we get a caregiver lined up for him, I am pretty sure they will bring up the subject of the safety issue the stairs pose for him but until then it will be my husband telling him he can't use the stairs anymore.

April23 · May 25

Lock the door, “Sorry dad, the bathroom is out of order, the basement is flooded, we’re waiting for the plumber to come fix it.” Remember, reasoning won't work, you will simply have to make it inaccessible however you choose to accomplish that.

harshedbuzz · May 25

Oof, this sounds dangerous. Is keeping him off the stairs an agreed-upon goal for your SIL as well? Or is it primarily to do the right thing while he is in your care? Kicking the can down the road for a home health aide doesn't seem like much of a plan; they typically follow the lead of the PWD or family. The only professionals I have seen personally give a rat's patootie about in-home safety specific to my frail parents were OTs, PTs and the occasional RN/NP.

Ideally, you'd have SIL on-board with any plan, but if the basement is to be off-limits only on your watch the best option would be to lock any door going to any place you don't want him— the basement, garage and outdoors are typically restricted for safety reasons. Some caregivers lock spare bedrooms too if their LO tends to rummage around. For interior doors, you can reverse the knob or put a hook & eye above the PWD's sightline. (PWD tend not to look up) Because many PWD develop significant visual processing issues, sometimes a black floor mat will read as a hole and be avoided.

Is there a way to make the upstairs bath more appealing? Would it help to raise the toilet, add grab bars or add a heated bidet? If you're committed to in-home care, you'll all benefit from getting him used to a bidet before incontinence starts.

HB

H1235 · May 25

Telling him it’s dangerous for him probably won’t work. Many with dementia have anosognosia, the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. This is so dangerous. Aside from the obvious problems a fall may cause (broken bones), other health issues often lead to a dementia decline as well. My mil broke her arm and everything went south from there. I agree with locking the door if that’s possible. The idea to tell him the shower is broken is a good one. Based on what you have said about your sil I wonder if she might be opposed to a therapeutic fib. I really don’t know how you handle it if sil is fine with it and your husband is not. The inconsistency in care will (probably is) confusing for him. Do you think DH would have any luck convincing sil of how dangerous this is. I found trying to reason with my very difficult brother was as difficult and as useless as trying to reason with my mom with dementia. You said in an earlier post as long as fil was safe you would not oppose sil being in control. This doesn’t sound safe. If she doesn’t understand this is a safety issue, what other unsafe situations will she allow him to put himself in? What a difficult situation. I have attached a link about therapeutic fibs that may help.

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

harshedbuzz · May 25

@ajzjmsmom

Another option might be to disconnect the water to the basement bathroom rendering it "broken" and claim you'll bring a plumber in to fix it. I'd still bolt the door.

HB

Unsure how to approach FIL about stair use

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