SLEEP DIVORCE

lazymom05 · May 26

My husband was diagnosed with EOAD at age 64. 3 years prior he underwent a major surgery and as a result of that and me going through menopause we decided to sleep in separate rooms. He was so restless during the night that I was not able to get any sleep. I still work full time. It made such a difference in our day to day lives. We were both rested. Thankfully now that we are going through this new diagnosis is has allowed me to have my respite each night. It truly has made a tremendous difference. Has anyone else decided to follow this pattern?

Carl46 · May 26

We did a sleep divorce when my wife was in menopause, because she was keeping me awake. We were both employed at the time. I resumed sleeping with her late in her Alzheimer's journey because I had to be available to care for her at night.

elainechem · May 26

We didn't have the space to sleep separately because two children were still living with us. After they moved out, I still slept with him because he got so confused at night, it didn't seem safe to leave him alone. Plus, the house has no carpeting, so I can hear noises from all over the house. If I had been in a different room, I would have still awakened. We finally got separate beds after he was placed on hospice. I still woke up every time that he rolled over. I figured that I'd be able to sleep after he was gone. Then he passed away. It was the better part of a year until I could sleep past sun up.

Answers needed · May 26

This topic is very sensitive for me. I am 81 and my DH with mid stage AD is 85. We enjoy a close affectionate life together but I have no interest in sex anymore. Unfortunately, he still desires it. I don't feel the same connection with him since he does not remember events or conversations for more than 10 minutes (if that.) I operate as more of a caregiver than a partner. I've tried to put my feelings aside and accommodate his desires; however, he can no longer track time and wants sexual intimacy nearly every night - insisting that it has been weeks since the last time. When I decline, he begins asking me if I have "found someone else" or do I want to move on, etc. etc. His accusations become very personal and hurtful. I dread bedtime and want to sleep separately, but I worry that if I attempt to set up a separate bedroom (possible but very disruptive of our current living situation) it will only make things worse. I also worry about the possibility of him falling when getting up during the night. So far he isn't wandering, but that might become an issue also. I feel guilty about denying him the sexual intimacy that he feels is a foundational element of a marital relationship. In short, am I wrong to persist in my denial of sexual intimacy? Should I go ahead and set up another sleeping arrangement, would I really be able to sleep any better? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Carl46 · May 26

Answers needed, sexual intimacy and sleeping together are really two separate issues. You can be intimate without sleeping in the same room or even in the same house.

I had to discontinue separate rooms because DW needed my help at night. She lost the ability to find the bathroom, for one thing, and I awoke every night with the lights on and DW looking for the toilet in our walk-in closet. As you describe your husband, it sounds like you'll be back in his room pretty soon.

I don't know what to tell you about sexual intimacy. Most women your age have lost interest, with or without AD. I don't blame you for losing the connection in this case. I wasn't sexually attracted to my wife in the last years of her life either, even though we retained a strong connection and cuddled every night. On the other hand, men tend to consider sex to be integral to marriage and to interpret rejection of sex as rejection of them as persons. So, it is not unusual for him to think you are about to leave him, because that is what he would have thought if you had consistently refused his advances when you were 30, and he has lost the ability to understand that you both are old and he has dementia. It would be a kindness to him if you were to resume sexual intimacy, but it's up to you. If sex gives you frequent urinary tract infections, for example, it is probably not worth it even to make him happy.

I hope this helps. Sorry you have this problem.

terei · May 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273306#Comment_273306

I can guess this does NOT help. I would talk to a geriatric specialist about this sensitive problem. Wanting sex daily at 85 IMO is hyper sexual and though I could be wrong. This caregiver should not have to worry about this with everything else that she has responsibility for.

blw1144 · May 27

I am brand new to this discussion group and your post popped up immediately. I am a caregiver to a man I’ve none since I was 7, we’ve been married for 65+ years. The hardest hurdle for me in our journey is realizing I’m losing my best friend. Sex has been a very large part of our relationship but not so much anymore. Everything changed when he had major back surgery, his 7th, and I became his caregiver. Being my husbands caregiver became more of a mother/child relationship in that I have to force him to eat to the point of actually feeding him, like feeding a child that refuses to eat even 5 years after the surgery. I have to force him to take a shower, etc etc. So the thought of having sex with this man/child is just not going to happen. I say that easily but there is a lot of guilt in refusing him.
So thanks for your post, it helps to read about others having similar issues and for me to share my stuff.

ronda b · May 27

There is medication that will curb his sexual desires. Talk to your dr.

Answers needed · May 29

Thank you to those who responded to my post. It has given me a little more clarity just knowing that others have grappled with this issue. It seems as though the "narrative" that my DH goes through every night has become a ritual of sorts. I am now trying to go to bed prepared with a subject that I can start talking about in order to distract his attention away from intimacy. It has worked a few times, not always. This journey is always a learning process for caregivers.

Cardenas1816 · May 29

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273298#Comment_273298

My DH has EOAD and I was doing the same as you (proceeding with intimacy even after I decided it just wasn’t the same) for quite a while. I just can’t bring myself to do it anymore because he behaves like a 15 year old boy in bed. It feels like I’m cheating if we are intimate now so ai avoid it. It’s rough though because he asks for it and I used to always say yes. I’m trying to find a way just to tell him I’m no longer interested in intimacy. But it makes things like holding hands and snuggling up to each other tough because he sees those acts as GO signals.

Answers needed · May 30

Cardenas1816 you deserve to be true to yourself. Before your DH's EOAD was a factor in your life you likely would never have permitted yourself a sexual relationship with a person for whom you did not have any desire or attachment. You are allowed to make that same decision for yourself now. I suspect you are already doing everything you can to help him and make his life a good as it can be. You don't have to ignore yourself. In fact, you shouldn't. I know that it is not possible to reason with him at this point, but perhaps you can get him to accept the difference between affection and sex. I also try to avoid the nighttime cuddling because I know it will lead to more. I just say "no not tonight" but we do snuggle on the couch while watching TV or hold hands going for walks, etc. I still love my DH and know that he has feelings. I want him to feel loved as well as cared for. Good luck with this issue. I know it can be very stressful.

SLEEP DIVORCE

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