Rational father trying to relate to emotional mother in stage 5/6

TAbbyB · May 27

Hello. We moved my mother into memory care a couple weeks ago and she is slowly starting to adjust except when my father visits. My father is, by nature, very logical and rational. My mother is, by nature, very emotional with a tendency to complain/argue with my father (it's been that way for decades). When visiting, my father continues to try and explain things to her even though he accepts that she doesn't understand. My mother gets mad at him for not living with her anymore and only gets further angered by his unrelenting explanations. I've tried to steer my father away from these kinds of interactions but I'm afraid he doesn't know any other way to be. In many ways, this rational/emotional dynamic is the same as it has always been with them. What chance is there of changing it after 60+ years together? Still, I'd like to bring more calm to my mother if possible. I'm mostly just ranting, but if anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

caregiving daughter · May 27

This was eight years ago but I sat through a several hour training on dementia that was life-changing for me in the way that I cared for my mother. It was held at a local skilled nursing facility and led by the Alzheimer's Association. Your father hearing about the best way to interact from an objective, trained professional would, in my opinion, be far more effective than a daughter trying to coach. An alternative may be that your dad join a caregiver support group. Much of the same topics like fiblets, difusing a situation, etc. would be discussed. If your dad resists going, tell him you need it for your own well being and would he mind going with you for support. Please hang in there.

AmandaF · May 27

I agree that finding a way for him to educate himself on the disease is the way to go. Maybe once he understands it better, he will see that his way of communicating with her is neither rational nor logical given her health constraints.

Finding more social support for him could help too, as he adjusts to not having her living at home anymore. I know for my parents (who had a similar dynamic), my dad would have benefitted from having another social outlet where he could just hang out and explain things to someone who didn’t have dementia. It could be a support group, or even just a neighborhood hangout spot.

Good luck, I hope things improve. It’s great that you got your mom to MC and that she’s already starting to adjust.

H1235 · May 27

I agree with the above. If an in person seminar isn’t possible, maybe picking a few you tube videos you think might help would be good. Teepa Snow and Careblazers have some good ones. I will attach something I found on therapeutic fibs that might be helpful. I’m not sure when or how you have approached this discussion with him, but meeting with him for a real heart to heart away from the facility where things might be less stressful would be good. Maybe present this different approach you think he should take with her in a very clear and logical way. I would give him some go to come backs he can use when she wants to argue or gets upset. “I miss you so much too. Or I wish I could bring you home, but the doctors say I can’t. Distract- I brought you some ice cream.” If he has a simple one line comeback he can fall back on it might be easier for him. It’s hard to not let the person with dementia suck you into explaining and reasoning.

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

Rational father trying to relate to emotional mother in stage 5/6

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