Mother dissatisfied with live-in caregiver

Sgeiger1281 · May 28

My mom is fortunate enough to have a live-in caregiver, this is her second. (the first was for three weeks, didn't have a car, and was temporary until the caregiver with the car was available). The first person she had a really tough time with, and my mom got really mean and nasty to this person, they would get in shouting matches, and my mom had complaints about her ALL hours of the day, that I got to hear about. The second caregiver arrived, sweet, gentle, and helpful, and shared common interests like loving the beach. They have settled in over the past couple months, and sometimes even have some playful banter I've witnessed…. but recently, my mom has complaints about her whenever it's just my mom and I together,, calling the caregiver a bitch, and saying she's never around, always upstairs… and then in the next sentence saying she wished she gave her more space, and didn't sit and watch her eat, etc……. my mom also has a hard time grasping that this person is not a "cleaning lady," and is not required to deep clean her house, and is never satisfied with the vacuuming/wiping down, dish washing that this person does. (she had a 3 hour a day person to start who she also was not satisfied with as far as their cleaning abilities). We have reviewed over and over that they are not required to do deep cleaning, that's not their primary job. I truly believe that this caregiver is doing a great job, whereas I did question the competency of the first temporary individual (who asked me if they could arrange their Uber out of there after my mom went to sleep their last night together- basically asking if she could leave mom alone overnight prior to when the next caregiver arrived!)

My mom is asking for a change, says this person "has to go…." I don't think she's able to see the big picture that she is fortunate to have this help and have a very competent nice person (I do think the Alzheimers is making her nastier, but I'm also trying to see her side of things and "believe her" with her complaints. I don't want to lose her caregiver, because lets face it, the grass is definitely not always greener, and I fear whoever she gets next if we ask for a switch, will not get along with her or not be as good as her current person. Has anyone else gone through this? I thought about asking the boss of the home care company to come in for a sit down with all of us to try to smooth things over… but I don't know if that would make things better or worse

H1235 · May 28

It’s not uncommon for the person with dementia to find fault with their caregiver. They are often resentful and angry that they need help and find a way to blame the person helping. If you have concerns, what about putting up some cameras to get a better idea of what is happening. I really don’t think sitting down with everyone will solve anything, especially if you include your mom. She is not able to think clearly and use logic a reasoning. My guess is there is no one your mom is going to be happy with. I would avoid trying to explain that the aid is not there to deep clean. She probably doesn’t understand her need for help (anosognosia) and pointing it out will upset her. If she seems to agitated I would talk with her doctor about medication for anxiety. It’s pretty common for a person with dementia to suffer from depression and anxiety.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

April23 · May 28

I understand you wanting to “believe” your mom and wanting her to feel heard, which is great. I think it’s important that we validate our LO’s feelings because no matter what the situation is, their reality is real to them. However the time for logical sit-down conversations has probably passed. She’s not going to like the next caregiver either nor understand their purpose. If this one is good, then keep them. When she complains, “Ok mom, I’ll make sure and talk to her about that, thanks for letting me know.” You make the decisions for your mom since she no longer can.

terei · May 28

Face it, your mother will not be happy with anyone that is there. Have a private conversation with the helper and tell her you know she is doing a good job and you appreciate everything she is doing. Tell your mother that (and inform helper you are doing this) that you are trying to find someone else, but are not having any luck and she will have to ‘put up with’ the helper til you can find someone. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Bringing in the agency is not going to change a thing, except allow your mother a platform for more complaints which will probably escalate because you are validating her illogical thinking.

MissOldMom · May 29

Hello there. I’m sorry that you’re facing this. It’s truly hard when a parent can’t seem to be satisfied, no matter how well a caregiver provides.

We have become very good at the “fiblets” we need to say to keep Mom calm and “heard.” No one and nothing will EVER be good enough for her now that she isn’t in her everyday, familiar. For us, she moved from one part of the state to live with us, very far from home, another part of the state. Left everything she had known for 40+ years. Moved to where she only knew us (me and hubby) and moved into a home she’d never lived in before. Therefore, all was new and not ok. New hairdresser (we’ve had 3 now), not good enough. Doesn’t do hair like her hairdresser back home. Our house doesn’t have a doggie door. Even though we take the 16 year old doggie out multiple times a day, she complained about not having a doggie door for the first year. Almost daily. It finally subsided when her memory got worse and I think she actually forgot about it once she wasn’t able to take the dog out herself. We still, now and then, hear about “well in <hometown>, we would have already had ________.” Fill in the blank. It’s not her home so it’s not good enough. Believe me I spent the first year distraught that we couldn’t be her “old home.” In the end, it’s the familiar that keeps them from complaining as much. Once something or someone new is introduced, it’s not their same, familiar, comfortable shoe. So they show resistance, irritation, and rejection. Even if it’s BETTER! We even have a hairdresser come to the house and make house calls weekly now (because mom doesn’t want to leave the house anyway…because everything has become “unfamiliar” now) just so she can have her hair washed and even styled. She used to go to a hairdresser back in her hometown once a week. So we’ve made that happen for her here even at the house. She acts like it’s a major inconvenience to even go to another room to get her washed once a week. Why? Because it’s unfamiliar. All of their familiars aren’t anymore. Sometimes it’s because they moved somewhere else. Sometimes it’s because a new person or a new routine has come into play. Sometimes it’s because what they thought they’d remembered as the norm never was the norm but their brain won’t explain that to them.

My mom thinks she was in NYC during 9/11 and went into one of the buildings to save people and got out just in time. Then says my dad who has passed away went in and got more people out after the towers fell.

What she did there was see something on tv such as an 9/11 documentary and put that with actual fact that my dad was with Red Cross and went to NYC the December after 9/11 happened. She put stories from documentaries together when factual stories from my dad when he was there with Red Cross and stuck herself there.

Why do I mention that? Because a good fiblet I had learned already was NOT to argue with her that she was not there. In her mind, she was! So instead my husband and I listened to her story and I responded by saying “wow…I bet that was SOMETHING!” And she was none the worse for wear. It didn’t hurt anything. No one suffered from her “memory” of that.

So…long story short… I am in agreement about the thinking that you just say “I’ll be sure to talk with the caregiver about that” to appease her. Sometimes all they want is to be heard. No correction or argument is needed if it’s not harming them or anyone else.

She also thought she was at my son’s wedding. She wasn’t. Back when she had that “memory,” I had corrected her as I hadn’t learned enough about fiblets yet. I remember her saying “well I don’t know what wedding YOU think I was at, but I remember I was there!” (We had shown her a video of the wedding and told her about someone being drunk, and she put herself there and was convinced she witnessed the entire thing). After that unfortunate argument, I looked more into forums like this plus videos about Alzheimer’s on YouTube and got a lot of good info about how to appease someone whose reasoner is broken.

Even so, it’s so true that it’s not our job to make or keep them happy, just safe and taken care of.

Best of all to you, I know how hard it is.

Mother dissatisfied with live-in caregiver

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