Time to whine!

Jarmac · May 29

Had a terrible screaming match with my former partner. Diagnosed with Mci 5 years ago. His treatment is with the VA. I feel he is beyond mci. He no longer lives with me. He is in is own condo. Dresses himself, feeds himself, drives his car, bowls and golfs. Finances are out of control. Not paid or paid twice. We broke up in December 2024. I try to explain we are not a couple, not intimate, not living together. We are good friends and I help with his dr appointments, shopping, medicines and answering the same question over and over. He comes for dinner and we go out together. Badgers me constantly to spend all day every day with me. Family is no help. (Infrequent 2 minute phone calls).
My second patient is my husband. He’s been having difficulty breathing but refused to go the doctor for years. Finally, got him checked. He has pulmonary fibrosis, nodules on his lung and thyroid. His house is a mess and we want him to move to independent living. He refused to do so. He is not cooperating with the doctors. Refuses medication, doesn’t use his oxygen and will push his body until his oxygen level drops to 70. Showing signs of dementia…will not be tested or do a brain mri. Weight is 113 lbs. Patient #1 has no will, no POA. Patient #2 has no POA. They are both getting lost and having auditory hallucinations. They both feel there is nothing wrong with them trying to manage both of them is wearing me down. Want to get in bed and stay there

Maru · May 29

I am a little unclear about your entanglements here The ex-partner is not your patient and not your partner but you are still entangled with him. If you really don't want to be involved in his mess, contact his family and tell them that you are no longer going to be doing things for him…making appointments, etc. As long as you hang around being his pseudo-girl friend and do everything for him they will not step up. I will give you the same advice that I gave to my daughter: when the relationship is over, don't hang around and be his friend; that muddies the lines…that means no more going out to dinner with him, etc.

Your husband is another story. Try to convince him to do a POA as well as the medical POA. Apparently he does have a doctor. Contact the doctor and express your concerns. The doctor may be able to talk him into testing. Arguing with him will get you nowhere. If he continues to resist all help, your hands are tied short of calling in adult social services. As an aside, depending on what state you are living in, you may be financially responsible for your husband, whether you are living with him or not. You mentioned "we" in regard to your husband. Have a family confab and try to figure this out with their help. You don't have to carry this load alone if there are others to help.

For both of these men, I would point out that if they do not assign someone to have the POA and the MPOA, the state may eventually step in and assign a stranger to take those responsibilities.

Lastly, from your story, it seems that you are a compassionate, caring person, but the truth is, you can only do what you can do. Good luck in all this.

Victoriaredux · May 29

Jarmac- I don't envy you your situation from what I've read in prior notes you have a shared social network with the ex-partner [ who you had said was blocked on your phone?] and also a husband who lives separate from you but in a messy house?

Both men seem to require supervision and direction to live safely , get medical care and manage their assets . And both still drive?

The partner has family , the police have been called to his house , you are aware his finances are beyond him . His care is not your legal obligation but you may be running a personal risk by trying to help him but you don't have the legal tools to do so— sounds like he needs to have direct managing legal oversight - could you be blamed for not referring him to Adult protective services and formally notifying his family if he loses his nest egg, hurts or kills people driving? I'm not a lawyer but that's a serious issue I would want resolved .

Your husband , if still legally married is possibly a different issue and you may have a higher more direct duty to protect him- suggest you also discuss that situation with an elder law attorney . Issues like legal separation , or common law relationships etc may come into play.

I get it -it. is hard since you want to be helpful and have a social and/or family network surrounding both men but as you've noticed they need , and society that shares the roads with them certainly needs, that they get oversight that can take direct legal charge to protect everyone .

You've done a lot but good wishes only go so far - they both seem to be at the stage that a court action for conservatorship may be needed. If you don't want to go that far for one or the other I think it would behoove you to get their care and finances under proper legal management and YOU legally safe from any blow back. It's time , their diseases are progressive.

Quilting brings calm · May 29

We’ve had the discussion about patient 1 before. He doesn’t have the cognitive ability to understand what you mean by good friends. In addition- you don’t even want to be good friends because you don’t want to be doing the things you are doing for him. The only way to remove yourself from the equation is to actually remove yourself from the equation. Stop going to dinner ( that’s a date thing), stop making his appointments, stop opening the door when he comes to your house, stop going to his house, etc .

Patient 2 - you call him your husband but you were in a relationship with patient number 1. So he must be your estranged husband. Unless you want to be financially responsible for him or unless you are dependent upon income that he will somehow still be able to provide you once he is in a facility, talk to a lawyer about how to remove yourself from this too. Presumably ‘we’ means you and a son/daughter of his? That person needs to run point if you are no longer living with your husband.

Jarmac · May 29

In my previous post I mistakenly referred to “my husband”. We have been divorced for 25 years. I am still in contact with him and providing care for him with our daughters.

terei · May 29

So you have two ex partners that need critical medical help that legally,(or even morally, IMO) you have no obligation to. I would call social services and step away from both situations. You are scaffolding for both of them with poor results for you and them. You are trying to control situations that you will have little or no success at. I’m sorry, but if I were you, I would tell relatives of both that you are leaving town for an extended stay at ‘whatever’ and leave.

Michele P · June 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76156/time-to-whine

You need to walk away from both of these situations. Contact family members of both so that adults know you are doing this. You do not have POA or any legal obligation for the care of these men. No one else will step up while you are the caregiver. This is beyond what you should be handling. Both men need full time in home care or out of home placement. The more you do, the more you will be asked to do. Walk away!

SDianeL · June 7

sorry to be blunt but you choose to stay in both relationships. Can’t blame them. Just say no. Or get counseling.

JPJardinel · June 17

What you are carrying right now is the weight of two separate crises at once, and the fact that neither man has a will or power of attorney is the most urgent issue to address, since it leaves you with almost no legal standing to act when things inevitably get worse. It may be worth reaching out to an elder law attorney soon, even just for a consultation, because waiting until a crisis hits often makes these situations far harder to navigate. The lack of support from family is also taking a real toll, and it is completely valid to feel exhausted and resentful when you are essentially functioning as the only caregiver for two people who refuse the help they need. With your former partner, it sounds like clearer boundaries around his expectations of your time could help protect your own energy, even though that will likely be met with resistance. Your husband refusing oxygen and pushing his body to dangerously low levels is a serious safety concern, and it might help to involve his pulmonologist or even a home health nurse who can reinforce the urgency in a way that feels less personal coming from you. Looking into your local Area Agency on Aging or asking the VA about social work support for your former partner could also open doors you cannot access alone. Wanting to stay in bed is your body telling you that you are at your limit, and that reaction makes complete sense given everything you are managing. Please know that getting outside support is not giving up, it is often the only way to keep showing up for either of them at all.

I based on these refernces:
https://hopebridge.care/elderly-refusing-medical-treatment-why-it-happens/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Informed_refusal
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-nourishment/202103/refusing-medical-treatment-do-you-have-the-right-to-say-no

Time to whine!

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