When/how to get kids involved

vallan · May 29

I know this depends on family dynamics, but when should you tell the kids about your concerns of your DH having dementia and what you are going through?

They see him quite regularly and have to notice things. However they never bring anything up.

harshedbuzz · May 29

As an adult child, I would encourage you to share this information, like, yesterday.

They need to be looped in for 2 reasons.

Firstly, if you got hit by a bus tomorrow, your children become the Plan B for their dad's care. If they don't know about his diagnosis and care plan, they will struggle at a time when they will be mourning their mom. When a PWD loses the spouse whose daily scaffolding of skills allows them to function as well as they do it removed, they will have a significant drop in abilities making this even harder on the kids.

Secondly, a DH with dementia does not have the capacity to continue to act as your advocate or agent relative to a POA. Someone else needs to be named and that person needs to understand the situation.

HB

jgreen · May 29

Dear @vallan

@harshedbuzz gave you good advice.

If your kids see your DH regularly they will know something is amiss, and probably don’t want to say something if it is wrong. I can almost guarantee they will appreciate your candor and validation. Then you can all move forward on the same wavelength. Have some resources available like the book ‘The 36-Hour Day’ or websites that give information about the disease and what it takes to be a caregiver. At least offer this information, but do not set high expectations that they will want to read them.

Best wishes with that discussion.

notequipped · May 29

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/273566#Comment_273566

100% agree with this. I would also add being upfront with your financial situation. I think if my parents were more upfront about how far my Mom’s dementia had progressed, my Dad’s health and their finances, I wouldn’t be in the nothing short of awful predicament that I now find myself in. I further would have appreciated my parents having appropriate legal documents in place. Not looking forward to the trip to the lawyer that my mom currently doesn’t know about and won’t know about until we get there. No idea how that’s going to go over.

Quilting brings calm · May 30

I agree with all the above and I will add… YOU will need help at some point. The sooner you get that help the better. If your kids are local, they can relieve you for a morning, or afternoon or even for a weekend. Respite is needed for your own physical, mental and emotional health.
If your kids are at a distance, there are still things they can do. Research for a plan B, research for financial things such as Medicaid, Etc

Your kids are losing their dad. They would probably prefer to know that soon to decide how much time they want to spend with him… and to know that seeing him sooner than later is better. In addition, they don’t want to lose you too … back to the helping you comment.

When/how to get kids involved

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