Family Conflicts

lisalisalisalisa512 · May 30

My mom’s dementia was diagnosed 2yrs ago. I don’t get along with my 2 sisters. In the past 2yrs I have asked for help several times, especially to hire caretakers. They (POA) won’t hire more help. They are monitoring her through a Ring Doorbell Cam. Now, I believe they are monitoring me through this cam, which seems very inappropriate. They are not telling her the truth. They continue to lie and make false assumptions. She is continuously losing weight and they cancel doctor/Social Worker appts I make to get help, they talk for my mom. I’m not able to communicate with them anymore, to the point I have had to block them. What else can I do?

Quilting brings calm · May 30

Since they have POA, there’s not really anything you can do except go to court to obtain guardianship.

In addition, if they hold POA, you should not be the one taking care of her… since you do not have the authority to make decisions.

I’m not saying this to be rude or obnoxious. It sounds like they are letting you do all the work, but are not contributing and making things harder for you. The only way to solve it is the either get the authority from the court or to take yourself out of the game forcing them To step up. And, yes, it may take a crisis to get that done.

psg712 · May 30

Do you live with your mom? That will make it more difficult to work this out with your sisters. But yes, the POA has the final say so in most issues.

What do you mean that they won't tell your mom the truth? The truth that she has dementia? A person with dementia cannot perceive their own deficits. It isn't useful to discuss it with them. If you mean that your sisters don't believe she is in need of more help, perhaps you could tell them you are taking a break and invite them to spend a week with her. That may give them a more realistic picture of the things she struggles with.

khawkerself · June 1

I so appreciate and feel this post… tho’ I’m living the inverse. The POA is actively trying to help, it’s another sibling denying that our parents (both with dementia) are “fine”. At an attempt at mediation (trainwreck), we learned that this brother actually believes that we fed the doctors (3 practices) false information (we didn’t give them ANY info). So I’m working with the POA sibling trying to shore up care whilst “fine” brother helps them fight us. It’s really… untenable.

vrowland · June 1

Can you say you are taking your mom out to lunch or something similar? Then take her to a social worker? Request to see someone in ethics? Bring very specific examples of what is happening, bring the back up to prove it if possible. POA is a hard thing to fight against, but if you can show your mom's health and mental health are suffering, you may have a leg to stand on. If your mom ever ends up in the hospital or ER for anything, ask to speak to someone in Ethics there too. Also, you need to unblock them. If you don't show there is opportunity for open communication it could count against you. Lastly, consult a lawyer who specializes in elder law. Most lawyers offer a free 30-minute consultation. Walk in with very specific questions and watch the clock. Wishing you and your mom the absolute best.

H1235 · June 1

Welcome. Sibling disagreements can be difficult and advice is hard to I’ve without knowing the whole story. I’m fortunate that I hold the DPOA. My brother is awful! I think where you go from here depends on the disagreement. Is the sibling with the DPOA keeping your mom safe, making sure she gets the proper medical care and her finances are being managed appropriately ? Is it just a matter of your individual approach to her care? Early on it’s pretty common to try to monitor the person with dementia using some kind of camera. Because of dementia the person with dementia may believe there is nothing wrong with them and be angered by the cameras. Because of this I think it’s considered reasonable not to tell them about the cameras. If you visit her it would also seem reasonable that they would also see you on the camera. Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. Because of this symptom it is sometimes considered more kind to tell a loved one a fib rather than to be honest about their condition and have them get angry. My mom thinks she could finish a quilt she started years ago if I would just bring her the sewing machine. I am not honest with her (she doesn’t know how to use the sewing machine) because she would only get upset. I just avoid any talk of the sewing machine and make excuses for not bringing it to her. Other than treating the symptoms, there is really not much a doctor can do after diagnosis. There are many that never see their neurologist again after the initial diagnosis. Now if she is refusing to pay for the care she needs, this is a different story. I would document everything you can and contact a lawyer.

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