Overwhelming Grief
i don't know what to do with my overwhelming grief. Today Sunday perfect sunny weather my DH our little Schnoodle and me, coffee in mugs, new wheel chair (that DH wouldn't use) in the car, down to the Marina walkway to wave off three 40’ yachts our friends going out for a day trip to the local island. Then a short walk back to The Strand for a fruit juice and a social puppy play. A phone call from our son, a phone call from my brother, an invitation from our daughter for a sausage sizzle tonight but it's left me in tatters. I just silently cry and cry. Am I being selfish wanting too much, am I not appreciating what I have. My sweet sweet man struggled to accommodate my wishes today walking, sitting and trying to understand what was going on and now he's fast asleep exhausted on the couch and I cry some more for what we have lost. Writing and sharing this grief I feel on this site is the only thing I can think of doing. No one else needs to see or feel my grief, there is nothing any one else can do and I know it will pass. Just while it sits over me it's terribly hard to bare. Thank goodness for this site and for everyone on it.
Comments
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{{{HUGS}}} 💔
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Yes we all feel it too. It’s just not the life we envisioned when we planned for our futures. Must just do the best we can, and keep on keeping on. Stay strong.
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{{{HUGS}}} 💔
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Oh, Biggles. The grief is like a punch in the gut, and never goes away. You are right that other people, although they may want to help, don't understand…only the ones who are going thru this 24/7 feel what we feel.
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@Biggles
Ambiguous grief is complicated and no less painful than any other.
HB3 -
All I can offer is understanding from a stranger in South Carolina that knows what you feel. People like to say “gratitude is the key” but it is so very hard to focus only on what positives-remain in life, not to mourn the lost future life you planned, not to mourn your disappearing loved one and accept that it likely will get worse. I hear you.
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Dearest @Biggles
I am so, so very sad for you (and all of us here on this site). I have all in my prayers each and every day.
I would like to offer you a little chuckle, tho at the time I was stressed to the max:
DH is retired military reservist. He was a flight engineer on a US Navy transport jet for about 9 years. Made several 2 week trips to Europe back in the 1980’s. Retired in 1992. This past 2 weeks he has had VIVID hallucinations about a trip to Australia where HE was flying the jet (never did that when he was in the Navy). It’s a long story but they ‘had all kinds of engine problems and had to land a jet on a small private grass strip’!!!!! He’s been telling this story anyone who will listen.
Well last week he got really agitated and kept packing and saying he had to leave to go back to Australia to teach a ground school for new pilots! Even woke me up at 2 am one morning all dressed with a package of peanut butter crackers and his toothbrush in his pocket. I am going to attach a picture of what other things he had packed in one small plastic grocery bag for ‘a 2-week trip’! The plastic bag is in upper right.
Side note - he’s lost his wallet and has no money or credit card so he found this flyer about consolidating credit cards! I guess he thought that was a good as cash! Like I said - I was exhausted and so stressed at the time, but after I got him back to bed (with much coaxing) and had a chance to get this picture, I started to cry, then laugh, then cry again. And I thought of you and said to myself that if I got the chance I would have you ‘be on the lookout for my DH if he made his way to your neck of the woods!’
Yes, thank goodness for this site and for all of you where we can share our stories. I would be so lost without you!
God Bless you, @Biggles You are one hellava caregiver!
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It is often said to take one day at a time, but that gets really hard because as we get older the number of days we have are limited and yes I can do it today but then again and again by time this is over there will not be enough days to enjoy life. One day at a time works if you can do it. The grief of seeing two lives slowly disappearing is hard to watch but harder to be part of.
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Oh, @Biggles, I hope it provides you some solace to know that many of us aspire to be the kind of care partner you have been with your DH. The music, the dancing, the tenderness, and the love you share with him… He is so blessed to have you. Your grief will continue and there is nothing I can say to lift it, except that we love and appreciate you.
This is something from the Alzheimer's Association about grief. You've probably already read this, but maybe it will help someone on here.
Please give yourself grace and know that we care.
Hugs,
Gram
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Although I am now in Stage 8 I still occasionally visit this forum to see how my fellow travelers are coping. When I read posts like yours of a caregiver doing a fantastic job, yet still overwhelmed with grief, I want so much to write something to help. Something uplifting…aspirational…encouraging. But I can never find any words because I’ve been there and I know that it isn’t nearly that easy to lift your burden. All I can do admire the strength you’ve shown so far.
Oh and follow your posts in particular because I always get a smile every time you refer to your “Schnoodle”.
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(((HUGS))) We all understand
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@Biggles you are an inspiration to all the caregivers that are here. I, like @Vitruvius, am in Stage 8 and pray often for all of you still going through the daily grief that comes with this disease. All I can do is send a virtual hug and pray that you have the strength to make it through tomorrow, and all the remaining tomorrows. So sorry you had a bad day - it’s so hard to stay strong every day.
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((HUGS))
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Hi Biggles- you are the antithesis of selfish! You are a loving devoted caregiver to your DH, and a human being trying her best to hold your lives together in the midst of it falling apart. Sending you a hug and the Schnoodle a tail scratch!
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Others have expressed their admiration of your loving care better than me, a relative newby. But the grief is hard. There is no way around it… only through it as it comes. I think we all have those days where we just have to feel what we feel. Sending you virtual hugs.
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Thankyou 💜
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Milo loved it 🐾 so did i
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((HUGS))
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Thankyou
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I hate to mention this but I have found that it can always be worse. My DH cannot come with me. He does use his wheelchair and refuses to walk. I can take him anywhere as long as I can push him. It is a long slow goodbye. Each day we loose a little of our spouse until one day they are all gone. I don't think anyone really understands the grief this causes. It sounds like you are trying to enjoy the pieces of your spouse that you have left and that is all that you can do.
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I feel that same gut-wrenching grief, and my DH is still in mild stage. But I see him changing almost every day. I think it’s hard to appreciate what we have when we are in constant grief. My first thought on reading your post was that that sounds like a wonderful day to me and I’m jealous. But I know others would look at my day and wish theirs was as good.
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