Insults

JC5
JC5 Member Posts: 262
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

DH just told me that the truck that just drove by us has a picture of me on it! It was a pork truck with a big fat pig on the side! It hurt but I let it go. Looking at my grandsons HS graduation's pictures and DH said wow Look at those bags under your eyes! Cried and walked outside! Do not tell me it’s the dementia he has NEVER complimented me in our 52 years of marriage. It’s hurtful and I have to let it go and it’s hard! Venting thanks!

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  • Jgirl57
    Jgirl57 Member Posts: 902
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    so sorry for your heartache (((HUGS))) Glad you vented here

  • Chance Rider
    Chance Rider Member Posts: 401
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    @JC5 Dementia or not, I am so sorry your husband has said such hurtful things. All I can offer is a heartfelt HUG ❤️

  • annie51
    annie51 Member Posts: 835
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    Hugs to you! That is hard to take. I am very emotional and those hurtful things would make me cry too. I hope tomorrow is better.

  • easy23
    easy23 Member Posts: 453
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    edited June 1

    That is so much to bear after 52 years. Please remember to focus on taking care of you right now. You deserve to be appreciated and treated with kindness.

  • Russinator
    Russinator Member Posts: 381
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    ((HUGS))

  • Karen711
    Karen711 Member Posts: 310
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    …ugh, that’s rough! Hugs to you💜

  • Lethe
    Lethe Member Posts: 135
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    That is hard! I’m really sorry.

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 7,004
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    Oof.

    That's hard on one's heart. I am so sorry.

    This is the disease talking. Two common dementia behaviors might be driving this:

    The first is the loss of social filter that occurs fairly early on in the disease progression. My dad managed to burn through social networks in 3 states in the early and middle stages of dementia. They kept moving to give dad a do-over. Dad had some mental health issues, and I tended to be his "non-favorite" and was used to such musings making it same ol', same ol' for me. But mom was crushed when he turned on her.

    The second is time-travel. As PWD reach the middle stages, many of them lose orientation to time and place. For some that can look like a form of time-travel. My own dad spent a phase in the 1970s. During this time, he expected mom to look and dress 40-ish when she was nearly 80— he was truly shocked by her appearance as they were young in his mind.

    My aunt also time traveled, but in her case, she confused me for my mom. It's not unusual for PWD to confuse spouses for their own parents and children/grandchildren for spouses which can get ugly.

    HB

  • Geot
    Geot Member Posts: 114
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    I am so sorry you have to endure these very hurtful comments. My DW about 75% of the time refer to me as her dead father and at one time ask me if I was her grandfather. Sometimes she can switch between my identities within minutes. I find it easier now to just go with whatever person she thinks I am. I am fairly new on this site, but all the great people here give so much advice and support it has become my lifeline. I am so grateful for the people here to get me through another day.

  • jgreen
    jgreen Member Posts: 546
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    So sorry @JC5 Along with all the great folks who replied above I am sending you a big hug 💝

  • Maru
    Maru Member Posts: 574
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76186/insults

    Hurtful and you are entitled to your feelings. I am actually quite proud of you for going outside rather than getting into a confrontation. I am not sure that I would have had the presence of mind to take my pain outside as you did. Vent away here because saying something to your DH will only lead to anger on both sides.

  • JC5
    JC5 Member Posts: 262
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    Thanks everyone Appreciate your support and words of wisdom!

  • Sunfish47
    Sunfish47 Member Posts: 147
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    Im just so sorry you have to endure these hurtful comments. 😢 No one deserves to hear this. I guess for some folks dementia will intensify their negative personality traits. So hard for the caregiver.

  • tboard
    tboard Member Posts: 371
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76186/insults

    I know it is hard to do but you need to remember that it is the disease that is talking not your DH.

  • Dio
    Dio Member Posts: 957
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    JC5, oh I know how hurtful it is. Although my DH has always said I was the love of his life, when Lewy Body took over, he said some very hurtful things to me. Logically I knew it's the disease, but being human, not Mr. Spock, I couldn't separate the husband I knew vs. the husband with the disease. Glad you vented here. Hugs…

  • JC5
    JC5 Member Posts: 262
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    Just hard He has never complimented me about anything thank you for your support!

  • Goodlife2025
    Goodlife2025 Member Posts: 500
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    JC5, just wanted to add; first so sorry for the hurt filled comments. Intentional or not - it is hard to hear and not take in. BUT I wanted to assure you, your beauty from within is shinning brightly and we think you are the most lovely wife and caregiver he will ever see. 😍

  • dlobbs
    dlobbs Member Posts: 10
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    I Understand completely. My DH has Ftd/vascular dementia. He has never been complementary of me our entire marriage. We are in year 6 of diagnosis and his anxiety is increasing. He calls me ugly names and blames me for everything wrong with him. I truly understand your hurt and frustration. I also think sometimes is this what he really thinks and is the dementia allowing him to express it. But then I have to remember not to let his emotions get me down.

    Find small things you can do to bring you joy. Read a book , plant a flower, reorganize something to let your brain rest. Remember you matter!

  • lzerbe
    lzerbe Member Posts: 29
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76186/insults

    It is hurtful and good on you for walking away. I understand and appreciate what you are going through. Seems that I am doing everything wrong and it's all my fault. Our cat doesn't want to nap with my LO and it's my fault. The name calling is also hard to take. I just remind myself it's not my LO talking, and my role is as the caregiver. Our partnership is not the partnership it was.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

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