Seeing my mom out smiling with my sister
Comments
-
You are not a bad son if you love your mom and do what you can for her. It sounds as if you are just missing the experience of being with your mom when she has a smiling moment. This is your sister's turn, and she's sharing it with you in a picture. I hope that you can have your own moment and smile with her soon.
1 -
Thank you!! I think what gets me so emotional is thinking about my mom and her possibly having to go to bathroom. I can go for car rides with her but going places and actually exploring is a little hard because there is always the what if she needs to go ro the bathroom. So much easier for my sister to take her than I.
Also, I realize my brain is playing dirty tricks on me saying, "shes happy and in a great place now but she won't be when you get to see her. I am a nervous wreck.. the only time I am "ok" is when i'm sleeping. Other than that I am "paralyzed" by guilt, nerves, sadness etc.1 -
I have been exactly where you are as you describe it — paralyzed by guilt, nerves, etc. As recently as a month ago I would also have said I am only "ok" when I am sleeping. I started seeing a therapist and my doctor prescribed me some anxiety medication. It took awhile to get the right dosage, but now between the therapy and the meds, I am almost back to "normal!" I'm just telling you this so you know there is hope! Seek out the help you need!
2 -
It can be hard to be the everyday caretaker and see our loved ones have a great day when someone comes to visit, even if you're also glad that everyone had a good time. I hope you got to do something for yourself today.🙂
0 -
Didn't do much for myself today. Got my car washed and did grocery shopping fir myself. Picked up a few things for my parents when I see them again.
I am seeing my doctor on Wednesday and will ask him for medication as I need something, I truly do.
I am trying to tell myself that I do not need to be "on" all the time so I'll try to calm myself that way.
@lilacgirl what medication are you on if you don't mind me asking.
1 -
I am also battling/thinking... Do I take FMLA and go home and help my dad even more than I currently do. But if I do it would be a financial nightmare for me and i'm sure I'd be worrying about that too which would defeat the purpose of me doing it. I know my dad would help me but I don't want him to "worry" about that either as he gas enough to worry about with my mom. I know thats why there is FMLA but I don't know if that would put even more stress and anxiety on me and I can't do that. Am I wrong in my train of thought? I don't know what to do!
0 -
I am taking Lexapro. Tried Buspar but it did not help me at all. I am glad you are asking your doctor for help — we can't let this awful disease take us down along with our LO!
0 -
@mrider82 Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.
Meds are great. I'm Team Wellbutrin myself although I'm still dealing with high BP despite my best efforts and my mom doesn't even have dementia. I took Lexapro years ago; for me it caused extreme sleepiness and completely killed off my libido. YMMV but the latter (and ED) can be an issue for men who take SSRIs.
Is your mom independent in toileting or does she require assistance with wiping, flushing and handwashing? It's not unusual for adult children to assist their opposite sex parent in toileting/showers. You could if you're comfortable with that. In public, using a family restroom generally works best but I know of DHs who've taken their DWs into the mens or ladies room in a pinch.
As for FMLA, it sounds like these are fairly early days in the progression of mom's disease. If dad is her primary caregiver, I'd bank FMLA in the event dad has an illness, injury or passes (1/3 of caregivers died before their PWD) so you can step in while you make more permanent care arrangements.
HB1 -
Thank you very much! I will ask my doctor about this. I am hoping something good comes out of my appointment. I know medication isn't the "answer" but I need something other than the 5.5.5 breathing and other things I have tried.
0 -
Greatly appreciated! This is a wonderful place to be with people who are going through what I am going through!
I have helped my mom in the bathroom numerous times, from wiping and helping her to the toilet but that has been at my house and I haven't be out in public and assisted her, it has always been my dad or my sister but mainly my sister. I just worry about that when I take my mom out that most places won't have "Family" bathrooms and that would be bad if I were to go into the women's bathroom to assist my mom, now I certainly would as she is my mother but I am afraid of what could happen (I know I shouldn't worry about that and deal with that IF it happens but that is always in the back on my mind).
Yes, I do believe it is in the "early" stages but she has been diagnosed with mid/moderate Alzheimer's so right now I probably should save my FMLA since my dad (emotionally not sure) can handle my mom for now and he is going to get help but he wants to know what my sister and I "can do" before he does. I have been basically doing 3/4 days and 3/4 nights but that has been taking a huge toll on me in every aspect of my life (again, I feel terrible sayin this and I shouldn't since my dad deals with this 24/7 without a break) but I know how burnt out I am so I don't want to tell my dad that I can continue to do what I have been doing and I did tell him that. I just don't know how much I actually truly can do. I feel like a terrible son saying, I can do Wednesday after work and leave Thursday night but that's what I think would be best for me. I feel so selfish however. :(
0 -
@mrider82
Re the use of public bathrooms— most men who have brought a wife or mom into the ladies room, wait for someone to come out and ask them about whether there are others using the space. If there are, you can open the door and announce your need to help mom. It's best to use the larger ADA accessible stall when available. You can also enquire ahead about family restrooms before taking her out, or bring her into the mens room.
It sounds like your dad is making a big ask of you and your sister and that maybe you are concerned that he isn't up to the task of 24/7 care. This is not at all unusual in men of a certain generation (silent and older boomers) and in certain cultures although the leaning on a son is somewhat atypical— it's usually the daughters who get guilted into providing regular hands-on care.
That said, you and your sister need to put yourselves first in making sure you are tending to your own lives first. No mom wants that kind of sacrifice from her children. For younger adults it means tending to education, career, establishing a social network and partnering up if that's a goal. For older and more settled adults, it means building a career and caring for partners and children as a priority. If you are working full time, offering dad a day off to which he can plan and look forward would be great if you can do it but asking for enough to have you considering leave from your job in a non-emergency situation may not be an appropriate ask.
That said, the day in/day out care and isolation associated with dementia can take a huge toll on the primary caregiver. Does your dad have any chronic health issues? Burnout is real and IME, the elderly tend to be less resilient around it.
It sounds like dad is reluctant to spend money to by himself some respite time. My mom was loath to spend $30+/hour to get a break or attend to her own care. One option might be a couple of days at a day program for PWD. Dad would get time to himself at a lower cost than hiring a HHA while mom would get some socialization and engagement in failure-free activities.
HTH-
HB2 -
I did have a conversation with my dad and he said he knows he can't keep getting what my sister and I are providing and he knows it's not sustainable at all and he agrees with it. He say's he has someone for $31/hour but it sounds like he is holding off on getting said help until my sister and I can come up with a "schedule." With that said, I can't… I have a full time job that I have to be in the office at times, sometimes without warning and I will be honest, I don't have much of a "life" since I am helping my mom and dad. I thought I had a relationship (were together 3 months) and poof that went out so it is just myself but I do want a relationship. My sister has two kids, one is graduating from HS on Friday and a daughter who will be a Freshman in HS next year. Both are extremely active in sports and she lives 3 hours away so she can't really help either so I feel like (since I am only an hour away) the burden falls more on me and that I have to make the sacrifice and pick up what my sister can;t (I am in no way upset at my sister or anything like that as I envy what she has) but I feel like since I basically "have no life" I have to be there 3 or 4 days a week which really I honestly can not do since I will have a ton of anxiety and I have been getting extremley burnt out. I mean when I get to come back home I sleep basically all the time and yet I am still exhausted
0 -
I take buspirone for anxiety. I was told it is fast acting and I could take it as needed or twice a day. I tried only taking it on my bad days, but I just never knew what was going to be thrown at me and it didn’t work. I have reluctantly accepted that I need to take it daily and on more stressful occasions twice a day.
You need to think of your own financial security and mental health. It sounds like another conversation with your dad is necessary. If he wants a schedule tell him 2 hours on Saturday afternoon. Tell him you just can’t continue! It’s too much for you. Is it time for your dad to consider a facility for your mom? People who are stressed and overwhelmed don’t always make good decisions. If you add age into the equation- do you think he is is he thinking clearly. Does he need help with decision making as well as caregiving?0 -
@mrider82
Your job one is to look out for your mom's son.
Given your fulltime employment and stage in life, asking for 3 or 4 days weekly for a disease that can go on for another decade is inappropriate. Several hours one day a week makes sense. Or perhaps a weekend each season so dad could visit family.
Has your dad spoken with an elder law attorney? I ask because so many older people are walking around terribly misinformed. They have notions of "the home" that are the stuff of nightmares and have heard horror stories about Medicaid "taking their home". Unless dad is very well funded, it might be useful to sit him down with an attorney in his state to discuss Medicaid planning. It might make sense to start planning for eligibility now.
That said, mom was super reluctant to spend for respite. She'd happily accept what I offered but claimed she didn't need more than that and yet she was struggling. Her self-neglect has had real world consequences in terms of her health and independence.
HB0 -
@harshedbuzz I do believe my dad has spoken with an attorney
Got 3 prescriptions today from my doctor. We shall see how they go
1 -
Even the gloomiest human expects improvement when they invest time, money, worry and energy into a project or a person via care giving. Dementia doesn't improve.
No one "gave" their LO dementia or is keeping them from a cure. So "guilt" maybe for some ,the word used for the odd melange of hope, sadness, loneliness,frustration ,financial pressure we feel. But there is no "fault" in that brew.
1 -
@mrider82
Is your dad's attorney one who specializes in elder law and Medicaid planning? It can make a huge difference.
Touring a few MCFs might help him feel better about them. They're not all the hell-holes of the silent generation's imagination.
In addition to the wise words from Victoriaredux, it helps to realize you are dealing with ambiguous grief.
I hope the meds help.
HB0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more
Categories
- All Categories
- 650 Living With Alzheimer's or Dementia
- 364 I Am Living With Alzheimer's or Other Dementia
- 286 I Am Living With Younger Onset Alzheimer's
- 18.1K Supporting Someone Living with Dementia
- 5.8K I Am a Caregiver (General Topics)
- 8.9K Caring For a Spouse or Partner
- 3.1K Caring for a Parent
- 235 Caring Long Distance
- 191 Supporting Those Who Have Lost Someone
- 13 Discusiones en Español
- 1 Vivir con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 1 Vivo con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- Vivo con Alzheimer de Inicio Más Joven
- 12 Prestación de Cuidado
- 3 Soy Cuidador (Temas Generales)
- 8 Cuidar de un Padre
- 23 ALZConnected Resources
- View Discussions For People Living with Dementia
- View Discussions for Caregivers
- Discusiones en Español
- Browse All Discussions
- Dementia Resources
- 8 Account Assistance
- 15 Help