Guilt

hermankuhn · June 4

Does anyone feel from guilt, feeling like somehow our loved one wouldn't be an Alz sufferer if we'd done things differently in our lives, not hurtful things but just maybe taken different paths in life overall, provided better, etc.?

Thx

HK

Ed's mom · June 4

We bought land and together built a house starting 40 years ago, off in woods, no neighbors, grew all our food , a dream life. I worked from home too so I got very isolated. About 10 years ago we sold the farm and a few years later my LO started the decline that's continuing.

To answer your question yes, I do. I wonder if I hadn't insisted on moving would all this be happening? I don't think about it as much as before because I can't know the answer, only guesses. I'm trying to get through today and that's hard enough.

Sunfish47 · June 4

I don’t know if this would have happened if we’d lived differently. We did the best we could. We lived in the DC suburbs for 35 years (high cancer rate I think). Raised our kids there. Tried to eat healthy, we were lacto ovo vegetarians, no sugar, organic foods when possible, and also ate fish. Did not drink tap water, brought spring water home from store every week. Had the worst looking lawn on the street cuz we refused to spray pesticides. Took supplements daily. And still this happened. So I don’t know what’s God’s plan.

JC5 · June 4

I do believe there is nothing we should or should not have done. God has a plan for us all no matter what we do / don’t do. This disease however is hard on everyone and lingering. I don’t have any answers but lots of questions beginning with why? Bless us all!

blacksparky · June 4

I don’t think it matters what we did or did not do or plans we had or lifestyle. Alzheimer’s doesn’t care if you’re a good person or a bad person, when you get it.

jgreen · June 5

Guilt is part of the grief process.

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/caregiver-health/grief-loss-as-alzheimers-progresses

Someone on this site wrote ‘grief is the price we pay for love’. We are all here because we love someone deeply. Hugs to all!

BPS · June 5

I did have guilt, but not what I did or didn't do leading up to this disease because I don't think anything would have changed that. but I did have guilt about moving her to MC. I know it was best but it took me a long time to get past that feeling of guilt. I also have regrets over thing that I didn't do in years past. I don't think it would have had any affect on getting Alzheimer's but it may have strengthened our relationship which I think would have made all these years easier for both of us. at least for me. I don't think anything matters to her anymore. I think it is important to not listen too much to relatives or adds that say this or that causes dementia and that you should of done more of this or that. They don't know.

SDianeL · June 5

there is so much they don’t know about dementia. Hope one day they find the cause and a cure. It’s a disease without a cause so don’t feel guilty.

hermankuhn · June 8

Thank you all

persevere · June 8

I think I might have posted this at sometime but yes, I have had those feelings. I know I'm not the only husband who drove his wife crazy (see?) at times but my DW had a habit of keeping everything inside. It took a lot to make her lose her cool. I think it's well known that stress can contribute to this disease. But, before I beat myself up too bad, I have to realize that all marriages go through this. And we had so many wonderful times. And 'I love you' always rolled off both of our lips very easily and we meant it. Alzheimer's strikes all walks of life. Even those who live storybook lives. Herman, whatever guilt you may feel - let it go! You are not to blame.

howhale · June 11

Hard question for most of us. Regrets, I have many. Most are around what I coulda, shoulda, done better or differently in caring for her. I don't feel I could have done anything to prevent the disease so I have no regret about that. What I do have is fear. While I wish a treatment to prevent and cure this disease would be found yesterday for those suffering still (my DW went to her rest last August), I fear the answer. Because if it was shown that there was something I did, did not do or in any way contributed to my DW having this horrible disease, I could not deal with that. It lurks in the back of my mind that I missed something and I hope I am not around to find out that was true.

White Crane · June 11

Yes, sometimes I wonder if I had fixed him more nutritious meals or not kept so much ice cream in the house since he ate a big bowl every night or if I had been more assertive trying to get him to stop smoking if maybe those things would’ve made a difference. But then I remember that his mother had Alzheimer’s and her mother had Alzheimer’s and his mother’s sisters had Alzheimer’s. And I realized there probably wasn’t I could’ve done .

Geot · June 11

I am 87 next month and I thank God that he has given me the strength and sound mind to deal with my daughter(60) and my wife(85) who both has this horrible disease. My daughter was diagnosed about 3 years ago and my wife last August. Do I feel guilty or if there was anything I could have done different over the years…. actually no. As of now there doesn't seem to be any definitive medical or lifestyle that directly points to a cause. It is hard enough caring for our LO's so I don't think any of us should carry any guilt feelings on top of what we do every day.

annie51 · June 11

We go through our daily lives living the best way we can and making our own choices. We don’t know the long term effects of many of the things that we are exposed to or that we do. Guilt is an awful feeling and I’m guilty of that often myself. There is enough guilt that comes with caregiving that I don’t want to think about what I could have done to prevent this from happening. Please @hermankuhn don’t add to your guilt with all the unknowns that you had no control over. Just focus on what you can do today to make your LO as safe and happy as possible.

Sending hugs.

Guilt

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