Childhood Resentments Bubbling Up Caring for Mom

Welcome followkim-

You are kindhearted to have left your life to help out your mother when her abilities to raise you were limited by habits, choice or/and inability.

I suggest your read up on the disease process and skim post's on this site as the disease course can take years and years - even 20 ish years on the outside. At some point you won't be able to work 40 hours outside the home or easily inside because she'll require 24/7 care which can include lifting and diapers . Getting her to and from medical care will be a challenge to impossible. If she ends up needing to be placed memory care is very expensive and maybe needed in a rush after a crisis situation due to behaviors , care giver exhaustion or illness.

If you are committed to that , have you talked to an elder law attorney and gotten her to sign the documents giving you power to manage her needs going forward to avoid having to go to court? The attorney can also assist in evaluating ways to pay for her future needs if placement is needed.

It may sound mean to throw shade on your care giving but with your prior history those resentments may fester. Many dementia patients lack empathy and may never exhibit gratitude . How will that make you feel?

What you are doing is very kind but before you let her care consume your life for the next who knows how many years ,with its' impact on your health, finances ,personal life , be sure you have researched all the lifestyle, legal and financial aspects. Time is one thing we can never recover.

p.s. Happiness is elusive for a PWD, their mental age is going backwards so the goal has to be safety. If something brings them joy- fantastic but it's not a realistic goal for the care giver.

Your post resonated with me because I also feel tremendous resentment. My mom (88YO) isn’t/wasn’t an unkind person. Throughout my life my mom has had mental illness. She made many crappy choices (and many hospitalizations) for herself that affected me…which lead me to live with my aunt (3 times) my grandmother and my best friend’s house throughout my childhood/teen years. She was oblivious to how it affected me. Her mantra has always been “don’t look back at the past”! She had a good 15-20 years where she was able to function and live a good life. She was there for the birth of both of my kids and has been a wonderful grandmother. With that said, the past 8 years I’ve been on the verge of a heart attack since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I’m worn down. She is now in MC (was released there 9 months ago from a psychiatric hold). She is completely miserable and blames me for her being there ( I have a sister who is also very involved in her care). She is still able to converse and communicate although now she has continual delusions, has paranoid personality disorder and is exit seeking. She is otherwise healthy and we know that she could live another 3-5 years or so if her brain allows. Make sure to plan for the long haul because you don’t know how long your caregiving will be. Take care and come here often. This forum has made a big impact on my ability to do what I have to do to get through this.

@followkim

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Vent away. This is a safe place.

I had a similar dynamic with my dad-with-dementia. He didn't enjoy parenthood and often competed with me for mom's attention. Once my sister came along- his mini-me- things chilled further. It was her death at 33 that drove him into alcohol and the ARD (Wernicke-Korsakoff's Syndrome in addition to Alzheimer's). As dad put it "the wrong one died".

I also have some familiarity with the dynamics of behavioral health issues and neurodivergence as it relates to family dynamics. (bi-polar disorder and substance use runs through dad's side of the family, while mom's brought ADHD, ASD and anxiety to the family picnic. I wonder if much of your mom's behavior growing up was a function of having some differences herself and struggling to cope with being a mother. My own son is on spectrum; he was initially diagnosed with Asperger's. I know some of dad's issues were related to his own mental health; I wonder if the same applies to your mom. Not that that undoes the harm you suffered as a child, but the context was useful in processing things for me.

I would caution you to pace yourself. Dementia care is a marathon, not a sprint. If mom is still in early stage and qualifying for infusion treatment, you could have a decade or more of caregiving. Try not to let this consume you.

IMO, anything that is best for the caregiver ultimately helps the PWD. It is appropriate for the PWD to move nearer their POA once they need assistance. At some point, it might make sense for mom to spend time in a day program to allow someone else to be her cruise director for a time. As she needs 24/7 supervision, it may be best to consider placement in a MCF as this is too big a job for a single individual.

It's also prudent to have a Plan B for care should it get to a point where you need a break or bigger team to manage her care. Also keep in mind that, at some point "happiness" may be beyond what you can manage— safe is job one, content is nice if you can manage it.

HB

My mother was a good mother. The reality now is not what she wants. I'm caring for her at home with my sister, who I never got along with, and I'm looking at something in the range of four years give or take. I had very little social life before, now I have none. I do enjoy the stories of her childhood. Some I doubt but some are definitely true. Some social biases have come to the fore too.

Welcome. I come to vent often.