planning for memory care - Oregon vs. California
New member here, this is my second post. I have read through many posts, and I want to say thanks to all of you for compassionately sharing your struggles and experiences, they are most helpful. I am now clear that my DH needs memory care, for his safety and for my wellbeing. He has moderately severe dementia, bladder incontinence, and persecutory delusions. Can't do any IADL's and needs help with several ADLs. Up until now I have been his primary caregiver, doing everything for him at home, and I am reaching the point of exhaustion. I don't want my health to deteriorate caring for him, and I crave a life of my own (and I think DH wants that for me too - he has always supported my independence throughout our 35 years of marriage). So memory care seems like the right choice. We live in suburban Portland Oregon, and I have a good support community here. We have an only child - a married adult daughter in Los Angeles, so far no grandchildren. I have concerns about my daughter not having to be a long-distance caregiver for her Dad, and in the future for me - I need to talk that through with her. But I am considering the pros and cons of placing him in Oregon vs. moving to California first and then placing him, so that we can be near our daughter. It feels like it would be logistically easier for me to place him here in Oregon, then transition him to a California memory care at a later date once I have all my ducks in a row to move myself to California. I know this is a lot to consider - it's overwhelming for me, so I need help to plan and decide! Any thoughts on the feasibility of transferring a LO from memory care in one state to another? As difficult as it might be, should I just move both of us there first before placing him?
Comments
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Hi and welcome MsLadyug! Firstly, please make sure you have visited an elder care attorney to get the DPOA, and Healthcare Proxy for both you and your husband. Secondly, I would speak with your daughter. Are you sure she will want to take care of your DH and yourself? Many of us here are finding out that we don't get much support from our children.
If you are exhausted and feeling overwhelmed, I would place DH in Oregon soon and then transition to Califiornia at a later date. I moved my DH from a MC to a nursing home - and aside from a few bumps in the road, the transition went well. He was in stage 6.
Good luck to you! I hope you get some relief soon!
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Could you do what you can to get ready for the move now (downsize belongings). Then bring your husband to a ca mc when one is available. Have your daughter check in on him here and there, while you go back home to finish up with the sale of your house and the final packing. Many mc facilities will recommend you hold off on visits for a week or two in an effort to give your lo time to settle in a bit. If you haven’t looked at mc yet you should know that some have a waiting list to get in. If you think there is any chance Medicaid may be needed, I would look at what it covers in each state. You might also check with a lawyer about how the sale and purchase of a new home might play into qualifying. A very open and honest discussion with your daughter is definitely needed. If she thinks she might move in the next 2-3 years, that’s important information. I hope everything goes well.
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Moving across country is a difficult move. Others here have given the advice to move to where you see yourself living at stage 8. If you are moving him, do it as soon as possible. The more this disease progresses, the harder it will be to move him. You will need to get him on a waitlist in a memory care facility now. The wait can be a year or more. Best of luck .
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Michele - I am new to this and on a steep learning curve about care options. I am assuming that once my DH needs memory care level of care (I think he really qualifies for it now), he will always need memory care. So how does it work to move someone with moderate / severe dementia from a memory care to a nursing home? That is, what is the difference between MC and nursing home care? Do nursing homes accept memory care patients? I thought the criteria for nursing home placement was that a person needed care / therapies for a medical condition - do nursing homes also care for people with dementia? Thanks for your input!
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You just have to check the various facilities. Where we live there are AL facilities that also have a MC section and there are skilled nursing facilities that have special dementia sections.
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My husband started out in MC but developed gangrene in his toes due to poor circulation. He eventually developed a stage 4 pressure wound on his heel, which the MC facility was not equipped to treat. I moved my DH to a skilled nursing home for his pressure wound. The nursing home has an Alzheimer's unit, and he fits right in. He is now getting care for his ADL's and participating in activities for Alzheimer's patients. The pressure wound has healed.
I did not have a problem with transferring him from the MC to nursing home. If anything, there was a doctor always available in the NH to monitor and medicate behavioral issues, issues which he also had at MC. He was agitated at MC and refused care. His behaviors are now under control.
Nursing homes take Medicaid which some MC facilities do not. As @BlackSparky just said, you have to check what's available in your area.
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In my state mc is not covered by Medicaid and is very expensive. Mom was in Al til her money ran out, then we were forced to move her to a nursing home. She is a bit out of place there since she has no major medical problems. She qualified because she is not able to do her own medication and she does have insulin shots she takes. The nursing home does not specialize in dementia care. The rooms are shared and not even close to as nice as a mc. This might be different in different states.
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If you are feeling tired now, place your husband somewhere close to your current home and friends. Then take your time really figuring out moving away from friends and the life you have in Oregon. Our adult children work and have lives of their own. You may find it’s not what you expected and your daughter could feel unduly impacted. I have had two friends that left everything to be closer to their kids. One bought a home and a year later her son and grandkids moved away. The other moved back here after 3 years.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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