Odd weekend/venting

ajzjmsmom · June 9

This weekend was nuts in regards to caregiving for my FIL. We were late getting there Friday night due to an accident with one of my husbands employees, it took forever to get him settled down enough to go to sleep that night. I am wondering if this is the lull before the storm, even asked my SIL if she thought maybe he had a UTI.

Saturday was decent until that evening, we had gone out (which he is quite used to) and then when we got home he wanted to call my MIL (she is dead) to tell her he was home, was using his hearing aid volume adjuster as the phone, despite us telling him repeatedly that she knew he was home.

Then Sunday out of nowhere he comes down the hall after being in the bathroom and says she bled to death and why didn't their primary care stop it, was so upset at the primary care.

My SIL said yesterday he was still stuck on my MIL and thinking she was still alive. He is looping all the time, if he tells the story once, he tells it 10 times except we are now beginning to see changes to his stories. And the cussing when he gets frustrated is crazy, in my 33 years of marriage to my husband I have never once heard his Dad say a bad word, now it is everyday and is usually centered around clothing and frustration.

A caregiver was approved for 11 hours a week through the VA and is supposed to start Friday but my SIL is already saying she is not sure how her Dad will take having a stranger in the house, which I get. but she needs help, more help than we can give.

We do have the appointment with the geriatric provider in August and hoping the provider can give my SIL some insight on what is coming down the road, she is determined to keep him at home because she promised her mom she would. My husband even told her that down the road, FIL was going to need more help than what we were all qualified to give him and she just kept saying "but I promised mom."

I know it isn't healthy to be angry at a dead person but I am so pissed off at my MIL for leaving us this chaos, she was the only one who had true insight to how bad he had gotten and didn't do anything to prepare us even though she knew for 2 months before she died that her dying was a potential. We found out from the VA social worker that he has Type 2 diabetes which he takes no meds for nor does his blood sugar ever get checked. Then she said in December he had seen a community doctor and had a scan of his brain, which showed worsening dementia when compared to the last one. My SIL apparently didn't know about either of these situations.

If you read this far, thanks for listening to my venting.

fesk · June 9

Did you check for the UTI? They have home tests. If there is no UTI or medical reason for the new behaviors, I would move up the appointment and have him evaluated now to see if something can be done to ease his distress.

April23 · June 9

Caring for a spouse is not the same as caring for a parent. Even many spouses can’t keep their LO’s in their homes, regardless of what promises were made. What MIL asked for may not be realistic and there should be no guilt (nor hesitation) if LTC becomes necessary.

UTI’s in elderly men can come on suddenly, present very differently and cause cognition to go downhill quickly. It’s not a bad idea to have him tested when you see a sudden change in cognition, agitation or weakness that wasn’t there yesterday, etc.

It is wonderful what you are all doing, working as a family unit for your FIL. But I do fear this will not be sustainable in the long term. I’m sure August can’t come soon enough and I hope you’re able to get good guidance.

harshedbuzz · June 9

@ajzjmsmom

I can appreciate your frustration in this situation. Your MIL and SIL are/have made choices that demand much from you without you having any power to improve the situation. How very stressful.

IME, when an older person gets a UTI (PWD or not) the behavior changes tend to be 24/7 and not just sundowning-on-steroids. It's never a bad idea to test for a UTI with either home strips or a visit to urgent care.

He may need meds to settle this behavior. In anticipation of the August visit, you might want to send the specialist video clips of what you're seeing at home via the portal or during the visit. If his care is through the VA or a larger memory practice, there may be a social worker on staff who might be able to lead a family discussion about the realities of care down the line and managing the deathbed promise your MIL extracted from SIL.

Good luck.
HB

Victoriaredux · June 10

I read your prior posts and honestly - for your FIL sake, I'd back off and consider letting your SIL face reality by herself . Your husband is working and has physical issues being in the Inlaw house . He doesn't want to go to court and be named guardian. There's some lingering relationship issues.

MIL covered up the situation as people of her age did. SIL is ,it seems, trying to white knuckle going through this without facing the situation clearly herself . Or is she maybe having the beginnings of an issue herself ? Is that why she doesn't want to accept in home help? Less eyes watching…

Without a health care proxy or DPOA her hands will be tied very soon. She doesn't see that the house isn't safe for anyone.

Maybe the social worker can talk to her or be the heavy and call Adult protective so your FIL can be conserved. If that doesn't happen you're going to be ground up powerless trying to change her -and playing referee for your husband. And your FIL will feel the stress, not understand, but feel it.

Time is precious, you don't want to lose these days while you and your husband can still do things you like and want to do and not spend them on messes left and created by other people - and I don't mean the FIL .
A lawyer may still find a way to draw up the papers but your husband is working , the SIL doesn't seem equipped to face reality so having a court appointed professional may get the best care for your FIL. Then you can visit him without the stress of trying to gain a little concession of care giving from the SIL every visit.

[Just reading about that basement made my knees ache!]

ajzjmsmom · June 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274487#Comment_274487

thank you for your input. Tbh, my thoughts lately have been that the VA getting involved and protecting their veteran might be the best thing for my FIL and take the decision away from my SIL.

I know from her appearance my SIL seems to have some health issues but so far she hasn’t shared them with us, so we do realize that we might have to step in if she does indeed have an issue but until that day comes, my husband seems content to let things continue on as my MIL wanted. She had every chance the night before she died to try and extract the same promise from my husband as she did from his sister but she didn’t. He seems to feel like she didn’t want his involvement. None of this makes it any less frustrating for me but I am a fixer by nature and this is a situation that I can’t fix.

Emily 123 · June 11

So frustrating. I do feel for your SIL-what a horrible and unreasonable promise for your MIL to extract from her.

ajzjmsmom · June 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274560#Comment_274560

I feel bad for her as well and think the same in regards to my MIL. TBH, if it had been me I would have just said I will do my best, she could’ve taken it to mean whatever she needed to in that time. Of course my feeling is when we found out all that she had been hiding, that would have made the promise to keep him home null and void but I am a very different person than her.

Grenah · June 12

in regards to the MIL, callous though this is - she is no longer among the living so any promises made must be met with the current reality. UTIs can cause altered behaviors. They often have no symptoms with the elderly. You need to get that checked as soon as possible and the test strips from the drug store are not definitive enough. My mother will often have agitation out of the blue that can be very disturbing and last for an hour or more. When they get too out of hand we break down and give her Xanax. It's not a solution we want but sometimes that is all we can do. A health care provider might be able to suggest something. As regards to the HHA, as a practical matter one is necessary on all fronts. If they are introduced properly he may get used to it. If push comes to shove, he'll just have to. Does the VA have or know of doctors or nurses that come to the house? They would be able to check on his blood sugar, among other things. There are many schools of thought regarding dementia patients seeking the dead. Personally, if my mother persists I will let her know that the mother/sister/father, whoever she is looking for, is no longer with us. She usually accepts. This is an everchanging landscape that requires a lot of help to navigate. Get anything and everything you can. Just when you think things are going okay, all of a sudden they are not. I've been doing this for a little over a year and still don't really know what I'm doing. What worked yesterday doesn't today.

We are all good listeners here. I do it all the time. It helps.

Grenah · June 12

Be sure you get a HHA who has experience with dementia. It matters.

ltbub0418 · June 12

Thank you ! I will make certain. Are there any special questions I could ask while interviewing that would prove they actually had dementia patient experience ?

Grenah · June 12

Unless they have specific training from previously working in a facility it would mostly be anecdotal and trusting they are being truthful.

ltbub0418 · June 12

Ok. Thank you. I’m lucky to have a large family from my EMS career. I’m going to start there.

H1235 · June 14

Will your husband be attending this upcoming appointment. Even if the doctor were to strongly recommend placement or in home help, I wonder if she would even share that with your husband. My husband was my mils medical poa and my sil was her DPOA. My sil didn’t want my husband to be involved in any decision making. I was so frustrated that he just let his sister make all the decisions. She sent him a text to let him know mil was going on hospice. I always felt like he was way too worried about keeping the family piece rather that advocating for his mom as she had asked him. As the in-law it’s tough!

ajzjmsmom · June 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274890#Comment_274890

Yes, we both attend all doctors appointments other than his picking up hearing aids or getting his toe nails clipped. If his dementia and current or future caregiving realities are being discussed we are there.

We both think that yes, she would withhold information if it contradicts what her mother would have wanted.

My husband has said that his sister wants him involved as long as he doesn’t disagree with her.

Husband said this weekend he is just waiting until after his upcoming primary and the geriatric appointment before he decides how to proceed. Other than knowing my FIL has dementia, we have no idea what kind he has. He fell in 2021 and hit his face/head and ended up with a brain bleed requiring surgery to fix it, so vascular could be a possibility. Hubby wants to know what we are facing before he goes head to head with his sister. It is very much a case of after my FIL passes, there will be limited contact with his sister and her children. Of course if my SIL doesn’t figure out how to cope, this is going to kill her and all of this will be moot.

Weirdly enough in this case my MIL never asked or wanted my husband involved in their health care decisions. She definitely didn’t want me because she was a get along and do exactly what the doctors told them but I don’t have any issues questioning a doctor if I feel like they are missing something.

Odd weekend/venting

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories