Just Put Mom in Memory Care Against Her Will

Hi There,

If you can answer 'yes', then you're doing a good job—

Is she safe and being taken care of in a way that can keep her healthy, all things considered?

Beyond that, the disease will make it hard for her to experience happiness the way she used to. Sometimes the best you can get is a kind of settled-in steady state. And you can't fix that, nor is it your fault.

If you haven't read these they're very helpful.

My mom had Alzheimer's, which is very much a slide into overall disengagement and diminishment, though she retained some of her base traits up almost to the end. In stage 4 of the Tam Cummins DBAT checklist she was testy at times and confused. That all faded in stage 5, where she started to be less engaged with anything that she wasn't directly doing. Other dementias can make the person very different from 'before'. It may be that your Mom's alcoholism may play a part in what type of dementia she has, or be affecting her baseline as well. As always, work with your mom's provider to adjust her meds to help her with the move to MC.

Try not to take her anger to heart. The disease will prevent her from understanding the situation, and explaining MC to her will be fruitless. All she knows is the here and now. When she looks around, she isn't where she wants to be, and since you're there with her, it must be your fault, and you're refusing to fix it. That will make your conversations agitating for her and frustrating for you.

Something to keep in mind is that, while you want her to understand why certain decisions where made, she doesn't need to understand or agree as to why she's in MC (her brain physically can't function that way now). She needs what keeps her in a calm state of mind (or as calm as she can be—again, meds are good here.) Too much information that she can't process will make her a big ball of emotions and, combined with a disease that affects how she can handle those, you may end up with her lashing out. It's okay to tell her fibs or divert the conversation if it helps keep her settled. You can always blame her doctors for the move and call the MC a 'physical rehab'. If she says the docs are idiots agree with her and tell her you'll talk to them. If she asks how much longer, tell her they said a few weeks more. Go along to get along. Calm > Truth. Calm > Reality.

Keep disengaging like you did when she gets agitated—self preservation is key, and you can't argue with dementia. Take a breather if you feel overwhelmed and make time for your own life. With this move to MC your family might want to give her a few weeks to settle in before visiting (or even calling, if it's upsetting her).

Then, when you go back, go for short visits at first. Visiting close to activity or meal times helps give you an escape.

She is in the right place- but stop talking to her about dementia. If she hadn’t already admitted having it, she’s never going to recognize she has it. Instead point out other reasons she’s there / rehab, Physical therapy, fall risk, to gain her strength back, etc.

Stop discussing her past failing - alcoholism- she can’t go back in time and change the past. You are just putting yourself on the receiving end of an argument by discussing it.

She is in a fully staffed facility. The staff will call you if they think there is a need to. So you do not have to answer the phone every time she calls / unless she’s calling from the staff phone. You also do not have to visit every day. I tried to call my mom every day and I visited once a week. However there were many weeks I was there more often because there was a reason for me to be there

@SHELLEYBAIRD

Wow, that a lot. You have all done an amazing job as a sibling group to support her through her injuries and illness for the past year and for finding a MCF for her. That's huge.

Your mom likely has anosognosia. This is a condition found in dementia and some mental illnesses where the person lacks the ability to recognize their changes in cognition and capacity. In her reality, she is a capable individual being railroaded by inept medical professionals and her ungrateful children. It's no wonder she's a might "salty".

Dementia sucks. Dementia in a parent with whom you have not had an easy relationship is some next level suckitude. The alcohol in the mix complicates things too even if she's not drinking. A lot of folks here will say It's the disease talking. It's hard to embrace that concept when the scripts and behavior of the PWD are not all that different than the interactions you've had with them over the years. BTDT.

I'd reach out to her doctor/NP and discuss a medication trial to take the edge off and help her settle in. Over time she may very well adjust to the MCF and come to think of it as where she lives aka home. In the meantime, you (and your sibs) may be acting as a visual trigger for her unhappiness with her current situation which isn't good for either party. It might be kindest to take a break from visits and calls for a month or so. You can check in with staff instead.

My dad had mixed dementia, both Alzheimer's and an alcohol-related WKS. He was pretty awful with the accusations and conflated memories of crimes mom and I had committed against him. When he was first placed, we made sure to visit in together and only in the public spaces of the facility. Dad had just enough wherewithal to "behave" when he had an audience. After about 6 weeks, things improved and we could actually have nice chats.

You ask about turning a corner. My dad actually did. We never had a good relationship from the time I was little; my late sister was his mini-me and favorite. His old aunts used to describe dad as the sweetest little boy they'd ever known and doted on him. I thought they were nuts. But in the last couple of weeks of dad's life, I saw glimmers of that little boy. There are some who describe dementia as a regression and it was as if dad got a reset in his dementia to a time before the onset of his mental health (likely bipolar per his geri psych). I would wish that for you.

HB

I have no answers, but I sure can commiserate. Your description sounds much like my mom. She is still very aware and I think that is what makes it so hard. I too hope that as things progress she will become less grumpy and angry. I will second what others have said about talking to her doctor. Medication has helped my mom some (she is still not exactly a sweetheart), but it really takes some time to find the right medication and dose. She has been more difficult lately and I’m wondering if the the dose should be increased or if I should just visit and call less often. I feel like I’m a trigger. I have found that constantly taking the blame for everything has been difficult for me emotionally. I have never felt such anger, disappointment and sometimes even hatred from her in my life. I waited too long, but finally talked with my own doctor about anxiety medication.