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Has anyone here thought about divorce?

Bailey's Mom
Bailey's Mom Member Posts: 231
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

I don't know if I should post this or not…I'm sure it's not going to be a popular one! My husband has alzheimer's dementia. He has never been kind, caring or sweet and has been verbally abusive our entire marriage…56 years. We have no children, or heirs…he is estranged from his family, except for a brother, who has headed for the hills after seeing how far gone he is cognitively…visited for too long and HWD couldn't showtime anymore… and detests my family, who are not allowed to visit. I am his sole caregiver. He is so paranoid and delusional (thinks that many people live here…all of them dead and can walk through walls…who are stealing all of his stuff…that accusation includes me. He has totally emptied his workshop and filled our house with dirty tools and has a tantrum if I mention it. Most of the time he doesn't recognize me…thinks that I am a housekeeper, the woman who does laundry, etc. and doesn't believe that we are married. Occassionally he does remember, and after I have answered a series of test questions, he tells me how much he dislikes me and goes on and on and on about all of the horrible things that I have done and how bossy and selfish I am and how no one likes me, etc. He doesn't want to live in our house anymore because of all of the 'other people' who live here and steal from him,esp the man who lives in the box in the attic (there is nobody else…just the 2 of us and our dog). He wants to buy a big sailboat and live on it in Puerto Rico (we lived on a big sailboat for 8 yrs at one time), and resents me for not thinking that this is a wonderful idea.

Anyway…we have separate finances (for 40 yrs), no heirs and he doesn't like me and certainly doesn't love me, or even recognize that I am taking care of him (finances, medications, appts, cooking, cleaning, vehicles, everything) as he has extreme anasognosia, and thinks that I am the crazy one. He is borderline violent if he doesn't get his way and has loaded pistols, knives and all kinds of homemade weapons ready to fight the ghosts who live here, if need be. He has great longevity in his family…his father just passed away at 100 YO in a nursing home, with dementia. I would care for him till the end, if he were a different kind of man, but figure that I only have about 5 yrs to live myself(77 YO) and wonder if I should try to have a life for those years. I live in Florida, and would probably end up impoverished by the end of it, but maybe that would be better than the emotional hell that I am living through now.

There…I've said it…has anyone else considered this?

Comments

  • easy23
    easy23 Member Posts: 401
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    I'm so sorry Bailey's Mom. That sounds awful! Do you have DPOA and can place him in MC or nursing home? That way you don't have to take care of him or worry about his weapons.

  • Michele P
    Michele P Member Posts: 434
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76272/has-anyone-here-thought-about-divorce

    Call your attorney and ask if you can divorce him. I don’t know if legally you can in his condition. I am sorry you are living this life. If you have a chance to get out, run! You aren’t safe living with him and his weapons!

  • Bailey's Mom
    Bailey's Mom Member Posts: 231
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    I do have DPOA, and have toured 3 local MC facilities. The problem that I see is that he will fight any kind of placement and I think that if I forced it, he would be so hard to handle that he would be discharged. I have called the police…nothing they will do with demential patients unless they actually commit a violent crime…EMS will not guarantee they will transport him unless he has a medical emergency…VA social worker said that I don't have any good options. He has an appt with a geriatric psychiatrist next month, but so far no medications have been effective, even antipsychotics. I have an appt with my atty at the end of this month and was thinking about asking her what my legal options are as far as divorce goes. If I have to pay alimony or for his memory care, I will be left with nothing…but that may be what I have to do.

  • jgreen
    jgreen Member Posts: 371
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    Dear @Bailey's Mom

    Do sorry you are in this untenable situation. I encourage you to talk with your attorney, or hire an Elder Care attorney. A divorce from an individual with dementia is going to be costly and acrimonious. He will need to have a guardian appointed to support him through this. You need professional help with this one. Also check with attorney about how you can live separately for your own safety.

    Have a safe place in case he becomes agressive or violent. And call 911 if needed. You might also want to reach out to sheriff department and get husband on a list of dementia patients so they are aware of his diagnosis in case a call is placed to them.

    Please let us know how you are doing. We care about you! 💝

  • ronda b
    ronda b Member Posts: 398
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    Have you thought of him being placed. Do you have medical power of attorney? Getting a divorce would probably not be wise. Talk to an attorney.

  • easy23
    easy23 Member Posts: 401
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274801#Comment_274801

    I have called 911 several times for my husband and told them he had "altered mental status." They took him to the ER. Maybe you can do that and then get him admitted to a geriatric psych unit for medication management. Then he can be sent to MC or nursing home. Consult with the elder care attorney for payment options - maybe he qualifies for Medicaid.

  • Bailey's Mom
    Bailey's Mom Member Posts: 231
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274802#Comment_274802

    Thanks for your advice…and last sentence…I wasn't sure how this would sound!

    I know that it is very difficult…and expensive…to divorce someone with dementia, and can't believe I am even considering it…but I am. I have a good atty who specializes in dementia and medicaid. In Florida, I may have to pay him alimony, even though he has ample resources to selp pay for about 10 years of MC. He wouldn't qualify for medicaid for at least 9 or 10 years. I'm at the point of not caring about that…I'll live in a tent if I have to! I do sleep in a separate room that has outside access, but am not able to lock it and he comes in and out multiple times every night. I have purchased a new door knob that can be locked from my side of the room, but that he can't lock or unlock from the other side, and plates to cover up the dead lock that I would have to remove, but am concerned about his reaction to being locked out. Also, I will need about an hour of privacy to change the locks out, which is hard to come by. I have a bag packed for myself and the dog and am ready to go if I need to. The police are not helpful in my area…they will start an investigation if I call them, and don't keep a registry of dementia patients or offer the free gps watches, or take their name or anything. If he shoots me, they will take him in! Ugh…this is not an easy situation.

  • LearningCurve
    LearningCurve Member Posts: 82
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76272/has-anyone-here-thought-about-divorce

    Yes, I have. I would be lying if I said otherwise. I am trying very hard to hang in there although like so many of our members, there is no real family help. Soldier on… May God reach down and help each of us. Peace to all.

  • blacksparky
    blacksparky Member Posts: 318
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    • The spouse seeking the divorce generally does not need their partner’s consent in a no-fault divorce state.
    • If the spouse with Alzheimer’s lacks capacity, the court may require a guardian, conservator, guardian ad litem, or attorney to represent their interests.
    • The court will typically take extra steps to ensure the cognitively impaired spouse’s property rights, support rights, and care needs are protected.
    • The spouse with Alzheimer’s usually cannot be forced to sign legal documents they do not understand.
    • If the person with Alzheimer’s is the one seeking the divorce, capacity becomes a much bigger issue because they generally must be able to understand the nature and consequences of the decision to divorce.
  • Jgirl57
    Jgirl57 Member Posts: 848
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    I think you should still consider placement and if he gives them a hard time , they can send him to the ER for altered mental state and to seek psychiatric care. I hope your attorney gives more help than the VA social worker

  • Biggles
    Biggles Member Posts: 791
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    Bailey’s Mom it’s such a dangerous and awful situation you are in. I don’t know how your system works over there (I’m in Australia) but I do know that in Government there’s always an organised way rules have to be followed. The entry by @easy23 might be helpful I’ve just point formed her experience and suggestions step by step.

    . Call 911 report he has “altered mental status”

    . Get them to take him to ER

    . Get him admitted to a geriatric psych unit for medication management

    . Apparently he can or they might send him to MC or nursing home

    . Consult with an elder care attorney for payment options, maybe qualifying for Medicare

    I do hope something works.

    This is a great site with knowledgeable contributors, well done for putting it out there, that takes courage. Please keep us informed. My thoughts are with you.

  • tboard
    tboard Member Posts: 288
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76272/has-anyone-here-thought-about-divorce

    I recently put my DH in memory care. I miss him every day but I am able to do things that I haven't done in years. I go on long walks, bike rides and plan to go camping. I was his only care giver for a few years. I feel as though I sacrificed those years and now I need to make up for them. If you are considering divorce keep in mind that in some states even if your finances are separate he may be entitled to half of the house if you own one and half of all assets including yours. You may get to keep more of your assets if he is in memory care.

  • Maru
    Maru Member Posts: 403
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76272/has-anyone-here-thought-about-divorce

    I don't have an opinion on the divorce but I certainly would be placing him in MC…sounds like that is where he needs to be. Get him placed and then investigate the divorce matter. It doesn't sound like it is safe to live with him and he certainly cannot live alone.

  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 1,986
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    In my state there is something called a petition for evaluation. I used it for a different type of mental health issue, but I would think it would work for dementia. A judge would review the form and why you think he needs evaluation and if they agree police would be sent to pick him up and bring him to the hospital. I found doctors take a judge’s order much more seriously than anything I said. Stress that he is a harm to himself or others, give examples and talk about weapons in the house, in the petition. Talk to a social worker at the hospital. Hopefully they would send him to a geriatric psychiatric facility. After medication is figured out, hopefully he could then safely be transferred to a mc facility. Worst case scenario, absolutely refuse to take him home. If the doctor says he will just let him walk out the door on his own, get it in writing that the doctor believes he is able to take care of himself (I can’t imagine that, but you never know). Tell the doctor you will need that for court.

  • Quilting brings calm
    Quilting brings calm Member Posts: 3,204
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    I don’t have a problem with a divorce as long as you are not financially hurt by it. I also suggest placement. I suggest you use the fact that he doesn’t want to live with you as your explanation for ‘temporarily’ moving him to ‘an apartment’ ( in the facility). While you are supposedly searching for an appropriate permanent home for him. Or supposedly a permanent one for you after which he ‘can move back into the house’.

  • notequipped
    notequipped Member Posts: 47
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    Just wanted to add that one of the benefits of working with an Elder Care attorney is that they are very familiar with Medicaid qualifications. I’m sure that they will attempt to work with you to structure things in such a way that his care doesn’t exhaust your funds. I don’t think that anyone here will hold your feelings against you. It’s a lot to take on under the best of circumstances.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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