How should I handle this?

HeavyHearted · June 13

Would like your thoughts.

Mom lives alone, with some assistance, and has decided that I am trying to steal her money, dog, house, independence, etc…boy she has gotten herself worked up. Everyone she talks to hears about the atrocities I have committed, plus some. When I try to talk to her she is curt and snide.

She seems to have good days when she does not see or speak to me, but can talk about $#@* about me all day.

I was going down in the evenings after work and spend the weekends with her. Now, she doesn’t want me there, and kicks me out. I have paid part-time care and the neighbors know what is happening. Everyone keeps me abreast of her daily rants, but then spends her evenings alone.

Here lies the question, do I stay away and keep an eye on her from afar or keep going down each evening?

pjasso · June 13

I'm so sorry, this sounds so painful. I do not know what to tell you and don't have an answer to your question. I lean towards not staying away, keep visiting and caring for her, and try to only make it a positive experience. Coach yourself before going over and make a pact with yourself, that your only goal is to be positive with her, agree with her (even if you don't), always start your responses, with "yes", or "I agree" or "that sounds frustrating". I recently made this shift with my mom in AL. Before I was trying to be positive, but wasn't always leading with an "I agree", or an "Okay". So even though I don't agree, or I have no intentions on carrying out her request, I will try to say, "Oaky, I will take care of that", being as vague as possible, but leaving her with a "yes, I agree" feeling.

My mom would always or usually be nice to my face but would talk "smack" ($#@*) about me to others, including the lady who cuts her hair, her friends in AL, people at her dinner table, and worse, my brother who is a 150%-Hands-off-sees-her-one-day-a-year-kind-of-guy! (whom my mom sees as can do no wrong) because he isn't in charge of her, helping her, monitoring her, managing her etc. I used to call her out on it, but I don't anymore.

Since, I've been giving her an "I agree" attitude on everything she says or asks about, I sense she is happier and more content, and not focused so much on me being the bad guy!

Good luck.

sandwichone123 · June 14

You have eyes there. I would stay away and be in close contact with her caregivers and neighbors. Spend that energy working on plan B. What happens when, usually suddenly, she is no longer able to stay in her own home?

Victoriaredux · June 14

Sadly a common occurrence, PWDs rebel and invent things about the person closest to them probably because they sense they are not who they were, their closest is evaluating them and is likely to restrict things .

Be sure you have all the finances and valuables locked down , scammers -caregivers, not so nice friends, crooked lawyers [yes] and accountants can see this as an opportunity. Even if they didn't know each other before can tag team and div'y up the spoils. So while this stage is on going put on your monitor hat and try block the words but don't yield any ground . It normal to not want the abuse but it can be very expensive to try to undo the financial games if any are afoot.

This may help :

https://teepasnow.com/blog/how-to-respond-to-unfounded-accusations-when-dementia-is-involved/

You may, as suggested, start looking for 24 hr in home or placement , as she is obviously not able to recognize things for what they physically are so things may be left on, mistaken for what they are etc. Current in home care may keep things tidy but being unmonitored she could get into trouble, does she have a fall monitor on ? What about phone calls ?

HeavyHearted · June 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274796#Comment_274796

Thank you for your response and support.

HeavyHearted · June 14

I have cameras, and lucky enough, I found someone she knows to help out. I have gone down since I posted, but was met with discontent. Afterwards, I thought we were moving in the right direction, but four hours later, right back to where we started. Is there a trick to help over, or are we on a repeat

I have POAs for her medical, finances and living will. Also, her attorney knows the situation, I just don’t want to cause her agitation.

Victoriaredux · June 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274898#Comment_274898

Are you using the financial POA ,assuming active , to the fullest? If not, do so, backing off protecting her assets to save her agitation is not being kind . If an outside conservator was appointed they would do so without a moments hesitation.

She may be getting tired and shorter visits may work better, in which case you may want to move her closer to you. Plus , it is difficult to converse for hours avoiding every trigger [ which you need to] and soothing her repetitive concerns. Which means acknowledging but not approaching them head on with facts. The disease is awful.

How should I handle this?

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