Looking the other way- Purchases ad nauseum and Hoarding.

LearningCurve · June 15

Good evening folks. My DH is a chronic buyer of almost all things. We married late and this year makes # 13. He is early 70's and I am mid 70's. It took me a while to see and come to grips with his hoarding nature. I feel so overwhelmed by it all at times. When he has a sort of fit about "what is all this!" as he may point to an area where I have put some of my stuff which is not a very big amount, It's ALL I can do to not blow-my-stack at him as I stand and look around… the man consumes all but 2 bedrooms, and one of the bathrooms. He has all manner of storage areas on our property. :( I have discovered edibles which I reach for when he is-on-a-roll. Pinch a bit of it off and somehow that seems to help…..or maybe it's the anticipation that it will help, IDK. So, I come before you today to vent. So many of us are walking this journey alone, basically. Do I pray, you betcha. How have you all coped with a situation such as this… if it pertains to you? I have found myself at times asking God to take me first . I just cannot how I could manage dealing with all of his stuff as I grow older. Frankly it sorta scares me. A million thanks for allowing me to unload my burden. I thank God for each one of you. Peace. Much love.

H1235 · June 16

My mom is a hoarder. Between that and dementia it has been awful. Her house had rooms you could not even walk into because they are completely full. She is in a nursing home now, but her house is still full(I’ve been working on it). It should have been sold to pay for Al, but I just couldn’t get through everything to have it ready to sell. My sibling is no help. Mom is obsessed with stuff even in the nursing home. She will take anything someone else is getting rid of, has a crazy number of bingo prizes, saves all the little cups they bring her medication in(drawers full), I can’t bring her things in a plastic grocery bag because she won’t throw them away no matter how many she has. If I take her to McDonald’s I have to make sure all the napkins are thrown away and ketchup packets are not available to her (her purse is full of almost nothing but napkins). After Christmas I had a hard time getting the Christmas decorations out of her room. I haven’t brought decorations for any holidays since. She makes comments about how nicely her roommates daughter has decorated her half of the room, but she has nothing. If I knew she would let me bring the stuff home after the holiday without a fight I would bring things in. She has a pot with a plant that died months ago, but she refuses to let me take the pot out of her room. Her brother brought her a big cd player and a bunch of cd’s because he thought she needed it (she didn’t). She has never used it and probably couldn’t figure out how even if she wanted to, but she refuses to let me take it out of her room. She is constantly upset with me because I won’t bring her to her house so she can go through her things. She recently gave me a list of important things she needs from her house. None of them made any sense. I told her I lost the list. I absolutely refuse to take her to the store, because I never know what she is going to insist on buying. She even refuses to give me her pop cans unless I give her the deposit money. Years ago she laughed and said I was going to have a lot of work to do when she was gone. It’s not funny! I’m resentful and angry she left me with such a mess and thought it was funny. I talked with my doctor about medication for anxiety. I feel for you.

jgreen · June 16

Dear @LearningCurve

My DH too is a hoarder. It took me a while, but after finding this site and reading all the great words of wisdom and advice, I managed to ‘loose’ DH’s wallet. Then replaced his wallet with a gift card for $100 as his ‘credit card’. I then canceled his credit cards and went into his Amazon account and changed his credit card to mine. He forgotten how to use Amazon over past 2-3 months.

I am very slowly going through all of his stuff (mostly in boxes that he hasn’t seen in months/years) and am either throwing out or donating on the sly. I do this when he’s sleeping. @annie51 wrote in another post about DIRM (does it really matter?) and I am learning to do this with our situation. What matters is keeping him safe, so I work on keeping bedroom, kitchen, and living room as free from clutter as possible. It might mean stacking boxes in corners and up against walls, but at least they are not trip hazzards. We have ‘walk paths’ on back porch so I can get to laundry room and out the back door. Parking car outside as he has 2-car garage full to the brim!

If you are ‘reaching for edibles’ you might consider seeing a therapist. I got to the point where I made an appointment with a psych and she started me on anti-anxiety meds. I am doing much better with only occasional meltdowns, usually when I am truly exhausted.

We do what we have to do! Give yourself some grace. You are doing the best you can under a most difficult situation. Hugs! 💝

Bailey's Mom · June 16

It has helped me to read the comments about hoarding…I didn't realize that it was so common. I have been so depressed about the state of my home…it is deplorable and embarrassing, to say the least. I have just given up and like Jgreen said, am trying to keep paths open to get through the porch to my art studio (which I have to keep locked at all times) and to the outside door. I used to try to keep the kitchen and living room free of clutter so that I wouldn't be a raving maniac, but yesterday had a doctors appt and grocery shopping…when I got home he had taken over that space too and even had 'hidden his things from the ghosts who steal everything' in the refrigerator and freezer. I have finally given up the fight and will have to live with it. In my dreams, I live in a beautiful, little white cottage by the sea, with sheer curtains softly blowing in the breeze. Nobody is yelling or causing stress…it is just me and my dog sitting on the front porch enjoying the view and peace and quiet. That vision is what gets me through the day.

ronda b · June 16

Is he on some medications for his hallucinations and anxiety? If yes he might need it increased. If no ,sounds like he might need some.

Victoriaredux · June 19

@H1235

"She even refuses to give me her pop cans unless I give her the deposit money." This made me chuckle.

Is Mom available to help fight government program fraud? She'd get the receipts!

Looking the other way- Purchases ad nauseum and Hoarding.

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