Caring for partner with adult children
I am the caregiver for my longtime partner who is in early/moderate stages. His four adult children live at a distance and have limited involvement and contacts with him. A son is his financial POA (minimal needs for assistance so far) and another son looks after a disabled sister, which is appreciated. They do not ever check on me (or him, really) or offer support. I feel a great deal of resentment in this situation. Any perspectives or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.
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A word of alert…asap…the DOA will cease to be in effect at some point. You can google about this.
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It’s my understanding that the basic POA does not survive a diagnosis of dementia, whereas the Durable Power of Attorney that specifically addresses dementia is able to be used throughout the lifetime of the PWD.
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Thank you, we have seen an elder law attorney recently to update both the DPOA and HCPOA.
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Hi and welcome. I am sorry for the reason you are here but glad you found this place.
I feel like you need to do some soul searching around this. I can't speak to what your relationship is compared to that of an adult child or legal spouse, but you need to consider the implications of his prognosis on your own emotional and financial wellbeing. It's telling, especially if you share a household, that he selected someone other than you to be his DPOA for financials. Are you finances separate or is there JT ownership of property/accounts? Do you live in a home owned by one or both of you?
Dementia is progressive. As time passes he will need 24/7 supervision and assistance with all of his ADLs (bathing, toileting, eating, etc). Many step-parent and nonmarried caregivers comes away from the experience feeling as though they've been taken advantage of. Many adult children come away accusing long-term SOs of taking financial advantage of their parent.
It is his POA's responsibility to look out for him. If you were to stay on providing free care, do you have a line in the sand and an exit strategy? Do you get along with his children or is there a potential for hard feelings and retaliation?
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Welcome. Being a primary caregiver with someone else serving as the DPOA sounds like trouble. I assume purchases of depends, and other healthcare supplies would go through him? How would that work? If he has been diagnosed, is there a plan for his care as things progress? Is there just an assumption that you will care for him? At some point even the most dedicated caregivers just can’t do it any longer. If you get to that point will his son support his move to a facility? If a facility is the plan B, there can be waiting lists to get in (we waited 6 months). If he is not checking in much now, i question how things will go when you have to ask him if you can hire in home aids. If it’s still early on, what are your partners feelings about all this? We never know what ugliness dementia might bring and that can make planning difficult but still very important. I would suggest a long talk with his son about your partners future care plans.
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Hi. Being a primary caregiver for ALZ patient is HARD. I cannot imagine doing this without the necessary legal and financial authority needed to execute my judgement. If this means having difficult discussions with his children, then have them now. Putting that off may only lead to even more difficult discussions later.
As for resentment, explore ways to free yourself. There is a Buddhist expression "you will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger"
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Thank you for the thoughtful comments. It's helpful to have other perspectives and they are definitely food for thought. I'm very familiar with available resources and obstacles due to my former health care career but it's different when it's your own life for sure. Best wishes to you all!
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To be honest, I would think twice about being caregiver to someone for whom I had no legal standing in their life, most importantly no financial legal standing.
If the situation is going to be that the son will control the pursestrings, I would sit down and think very hard about whether you want to continue in the caregiver role. If you don't control the money, you don't have any ability to care for your partner properly.2 -
Bluntly, you are better than a government program - free in home care. When his care needs start to impact any inheritance they may expect will they permit funds to be spent as you feel they should or will they drag their feet -leaving you in a bad legal position- providing less than optimal care.
If the pending paperwork names you as his DPOA and HCPOA but the 4 stand to inherit, esp if there is a special needs trust for the one child, there will be an inherent risk they will then step up and try to take over.One member of this board was forced out and divorced -and she was a second legal wife -because the children convinced her spouse she was the problem.
Before you commit to accepting the duties of the DPOA and HCPOA I'd talk to a separate elder law attorney for you to discuss ways to protect yourself. The attorney you just saw could consider your LO ,not you, the client. Carefully examine how each of your assets are titled and take steps to protect them. And of course he can't be named as your DPOA HCPOA agent.
The caregiving could go on for 5, 10, 20 years … will his funds last that long? Is that how you want spend those years of your life? Only you know the answer but if you have resentment now ….what about when it is 24 hours incontinence care , he no longer knows you and you get a postcard from a vacation spot from one of the absent kids?
It's a horrible disease.4 -
Wow. I was feeling so confident about having a POA. That info is an eye opener.
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I remember the lady whose husband's children convinced him to divorce her - what an awful situation and I believe she even had to move out of the house because he owned it.
I know people don't want to think about legalities and money when someone you love is sick, but it's VERY important to nail that down before you commit yourself to a life of dwindling free time and no help/very little help.4
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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