Negative Nellie here

B Lynn · June 24

My therapist wants me to journal something positive or a good thing that happens to me each day. I’m finding that difficult. Today I went to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned & checked. The dentist found a cavity. It’s the story of my life anymore. I really cannot find the good. My husband’s memory lapses are progressing. I have a number of my own medical problems I’m dealing with. I’m starting to feel like I’m in my 90’s rather that early 70’s. Like the rest of you, this is not how I envisioned life in the 7th decade. I HATE it! I don’t want a damn new normal. I don’t want anything to do with this whole damned situation. There is no need to respond. I know the rest of you are facing the same ugly reality. I just felt the need to write. Thanks for the opportunity to post here.

Russinator · June 24

((HUGS))

Karen711 · June 24

💜

Biggles · June 24

it’s crap, the whole thing is horrible, demoralising and sad beyond anyone’s expectations. I couldn’t agree more with you. Definately not the happy retirement cruising that some of my friends are going on and they don’t even want to talk to me anymore because they can’t cope and think it’s catching. My DH has only me to protect him, feed him, talk to him and love him it’s crap.

Snipe · June 24

I, and I’m sure others agree with you. Yesterday was one of “those” days for me and I was just glad when it was over. Today is a new day and we’ll start everything again. No, definitely not our 70’s that we envisioned, but sadly we endured the best we can for now. You’re not alone.

CharlieS · June 24

B Lynn, thank you for posting what I could have posted myself ! I’m sorry you are dealing with this, but I’m glad to know there are others who are as sick of it as I am ! Not the retirement any of us anticipated.

B Lynn · June 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/275798#Comment_275798

It is Biggles. I totally can relate. I’m happy for my friends & family members who are living their best lives, but seeing the FB posts became too much. Seeing pics of them with their grands when mine are over 2K miles away & seeing all the posts of their retirement travels was making me sad for my losses so I ended up unfollowing them so their wonderful lives weren’t being thrown in my face daily, reminding me that not all of us get that happy retirement we looked forward to. It’s helped but yesterday became too much. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing. Hugs. 💜

B Lynn · June 24

Thank you, CharlieS. I’m sorry you are feeling the same way. Those who aren’t going through it don’t get it. You aren’t alone, even though in the what shall I call it, unaffected, or “normal” world it feels like it. I know it’s all a process, or “Journey” as the site App is called. A “journey” none of us ever anticipated. Thanks again for sharing. Hugs 💜

jgreen · June 24

🙏 💝

annie51 · June 24

I used to chuckle to myself when I heard people complaining about this and that and thinking OMG I used to think those things were important too. If they only knew what we go through…I agree with Biggles - it’s crap! I did journal and tried to come up with at least one “daily joy” and many days that section was empty.

Sending hugs to you!

dayn2nite2 · June 24

Does the therapy benefit you? I would think about that and decide weather to even continue with it. There is nothing incorrect or wrong with hating your life, and it's pretty tone-deaf for someone to tell you to find a good thing to journal about daily. With dementia, sometimes there is nothing.

I'm a very practical person, and a therapist like this would seem to me to be more trouble than it's worth, but if you get something out of the therapy, then of course keep going. It might be more therapeutic to sit in a park and watch birds than have to do these tasks.

B Lynn · June 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/275812#Comment_275812

Thank you. My therapist seems to think I have a negative view on life situations in general. I sometimes wonder if she lived my reality she would still think that. Anyway, I guess she thinks if I try some cognitive behavioral therapy exercises and find something good that has happened to me each day it will change my thinking. I’m game. I’ll try. I understand your empty pages. Thanks for sharing. 💜

B Lynn · June 24

I’ve been talking with her for over a year. I’m not sure I’m any better but at least it’s someone to talk to. My friends don’t want to continuously hear from me my life sucks. My brother isn’t an empathetic listener, either. Like my therapist, he thinks I view life through a negative prism. Maybe I do. No one but people here who are in our shoes know what it’s like to watch everyone live their best lives while we can’t. She thinks my world is too small & that I don’t see that other people are in bad situations also. Well, I’m sorry but that’s my reality. So anyway, I have to start writing what I’m thankful for & a good thing that happened every day. I guess I’m grateful that things aren’t worse! Thanks for sharing. 💜

Maru · June 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76386/negative-nellie-here

Every night I say a prayer of gratitude to God for the good things in my day. Some days the best that I can come up with are things like: I had food to eat, we have a working furnace/air conditioner, DH didn't soil himself, I can still walk up the stairs, the sun was out today/it finally rained….and so on. Gradually building a habit of looking for the good things in you life will help you to see more good things.

I don't think it is helpful to compare our troubles with those who have it worse. You live in your own shoes not in someone else's. Nor is it helpful to pine away for the life you wish you had. (been there). I've got today and that's all I that I have. It is up to me how I live it.

Chance Rider · June 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/275829#Comment_275829

I’m afraid I would have had a very negative response if a therapist said this to me:

“She thinks my world is too small & that I don’t see that other people are in bad situations also.”

Yes, my world is small and getting smaller every day. I’ve never found it helpful to compare myself to others, whether they’re in a worse or better place. I’m 73 and this definitely isn’t where I thought I’d be, on a journey I didn’t choose and one that could negatively impact my own health.

Sorry to rant. I hear you. 💜 Hugs

Victoriaredux · June 24

@B Lynn

You reached out to a bunch of people by starting this thread - that's positive!

Do you have an adult day program or a sitter so you can get away from our "small circle of life" for a few hours? Stop in a new gift shop or small local museum - visual changes freshen up my mind.

Failing that- think Hollywood schmaltz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_WkyalPOEI

H1235 · June 24

The idea to find a way to get time off seems like it might be more productive than trying to grasp at some small positive thing that happened. An adult day care maybe. Have you contacted your local commission on aging, they might offer something that would help. I absolutely hate taking medication. I have always thought of antidepressants and anxiety medication as a last resort, but I finally started some anxiety medication and it has made a huge difference. It might be worth talking with you doctor about.

Bowerbird · June 24

I honestly think that you making it to the dentist appointment is a positive thing.

Karen711 · June 24

On The Thinking Positive Side:

First though, just wanna say I’ve been living with the CRAP for 16 years. It feels like the slowest progression ever! DW with late stage 5/6 Alz is way healthier than I am except for the brain part. And in these 16 years all my chronic health issues have worsened. Add a broken neck and back from a car accident (not my fault) 3 years ago into the mix. I could vent and I do vent!
I too have a therapist who is also a Buddhist and suggested I keep track of the positive as well. It really pissed me off too. But I was going down in that moment and so I tried it. My positives are things like:

-smelled the jasmine on the back fence this morning, it was orgasmic
So happy to wake up and find Lucy the ancient terrier still alive
Happy I could get out for a walk for a little while today
Smelled the orgasmic jasmine again today, the bees love it
Shared a favorite song with DW and we “danced” for a moment

OK, so I do think there is something to this idea of reprogramming your habitual brain to at least begin to let some other info in. And since we have a choice as to what new info we search out to let in, why not make them nice thoughts. As trivial as they may seem- I believe this practice literally paves a new path through your neurons and enables me to recognize the positive small stuff, some positive you might be otherwise missing.
i still get down in the dumps, still cry at the drop of a hat for whatever reason, still feel horrible for wishing it would be over, still am terrified of it BEING over-

But I’m desperate to have a life and feel alive! Recognizing the dark and the light makes me feel more alive it’s a practice not a destination.

Best Wishes and hugs to you B Lynn

Karen

Karen711 · June 24

PS

I don’t keep a list anymore, just make a mental note. Who needs one more “thing” to do….

sandwichone123 · June 25

If you want to find something to be grateful for, search for LadyTexan on this site. I've never seen anyone more able to make lemonade from life.

Wednesday · June 25

There is research that shows that forcing yourself to find positives can actually make you feel worse. Part of you always knows that it's an artificial effort, and that makes you feel like a phony on top of everything else. I've also experienced the "at least it's not blah blah blah" self-justifications that help keep you stuck in a terrible situation. Sometimes those moments of forced gratitude are little pressure valves that give some release but don't really do anything for the underlying cause of misery.

It's ok to feel bad. Especially when life circumstances truly suck and your only options are bad choice #1 and bad choice #2. Honestly? I just try to remember that all things end, eventually, and that I still have some agency to make the best path forward I can. No matter what other people think.

Karen711 · June 25

Wednesday-

I agree with a lot of what you say. Of course it’s ok to feel bad and sad and angry. And it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself. Denial helps nothing. But just to be clear, I am not suggesting or endorsing being inauthentic to yourself. The fact is the jasmine does smell orgasmic to me so why not let it in? And I truly was grateful the day our little Lucy woke up alive and well as I knew our remaining time was limited. And believe me when my DW is gone I will be grateful for those moments when I felt well enough to still dance with her. I am an expert in acknowledging my bad feelings, letting them in AND I make damn sure I take every opportunity to let them out when I can. But I have not been an expert at seeing there is still some good in life. As I say I am desperate to feel alive, be as healthy as I can figure out how to keep myself, and not wholly relinquish my life to this disease even though that’s much the fact of it. Why not make room for the little things. They are just as real IF we are willing to acknowledge their presence.
Respectfully

Chance Rider · June 25

I run through such a range of emotions every single day. Sometimes I don’t understand my reactions to things… recently received the best news we could have since the diagnosis (husband’s VA rating increased to 100%) but I found myself experiencing increased depression. I would have thought I’d have been relieved. ??? One thing that I’ve learned is important for me is to acknowledge what I’m feeling and allow myself to feel it. I don’t try to force moments of joy rather I simply try to notice them. Yesterday it brought me joy to see a doe with her twin fawns who are just a couple of days old. Right after seeing them a momma turkey was walking around with her very young poults. Momentary joy that I gladly welcomed. Pretty much can guarantee that later this evening I’ll have been mad, sad, depressed, anxious, whatever. Sometimes I don’t understand myself and that’s ok too. 💜

lzerbe · June 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76386/negative-nellie-here

No one envisions this reality. In the past we heard stories, maybe even read the book "Still Alice". But did we ever think it would happen to us. Nope. I got our motor home cleaned up. Don't know why, we're not going anywhere. Just hate to see it rot away just sitting there. So, I totally relate to everything you say and feel.

Biggles · June 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/275870#Comment_275870

You said this so well Karen, I relate, I too desperately want a life and it is practice I refuse to give in to this awful disease we walk in the park, we pick up fish & chips and go to the beach, we go to the dog park, the pictures, Sailability. We walk around the secondhand stores because they are so friendly anywhere I can find joy. I find I am making happy memories while my darling DH is in decline which makes me desperately sad but I take photos and we laugh and I will have something to look back on. Don’t give up or give in. Rest until you are not so weary and then smell the roses together while you have the chance.

Biggles · June 26

😂😂🤣🥲😇 fabulous

Karen711 · June 26

Beautiful, yes!!!

B Lynn · June 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/275831#Comment_275831

Thank you. My gratitude list looks similar. Thank you. Yes, it’s occurred to me that by focusing on the negative keeps me from focusing on what is right or what we can still do. I guess (probably like most, if not e eryone here, I’m angry. I’m angry this has happened. I’m angry our retirement has been stolen from us. I just don’t know what to do with all the anger. I know it serves no good purpose & is not helpful. It’s just always there. I try to shove it down but it keeps rising to the surface like oil on water.

B Lynn · June 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/275917#Comment_275917

Thank you so much for sharing, Chance Rider. We must be twins. Every day it’s a series of emotions, mostly anger right now. I guess I should re-read Kubler-Ross. As I write this it sounds eerily similar to the stages of acceptance in her book on Death & Dying.

Abby627 · June 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/275831#Comment_275831

I’m so happy that you can do this, Maru. I, too, say a prayer every night and every morning thanking God for what I have. My DH struggles with everything these days but, unlike one of our closest friends, he isn’t sick from chemotherapy. He has me to care for him. We have food on the table, a house to live in, love to share, our sweet pets to love, a loving family. The list can go on and on if you try. This is a horrible journey but looking to God helps me a lot. He always listens to me when I talk to him about both the good and bad days and always, always gets me through the days. ❤️❤️

Negative Nellie here

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