Negative Nellie here

A journal was suggested for me and I nixed it right away. Another task to complete and when was I supposed to do this? What is helpful is just writing when I need to do so. I did it here and I did it privately. I had written poems for my DW from the time we met 58 years ago. I began to write even more during her illness but the tone changed as she progressed. Always with love for her but my hate for the disease, the life taken from her, the nightmare of how she must feel living her life, etc., etc. came out in later poems. I continue to write but for me when I need to release some of my pent up feelings. She went to her rest 10 months ago and I wrote as much, if not more, now to help me survive one more day. Come here and unload when you need. The people on here are lifesavers. You have to get it out so it does not fester and infect your life and health any more than it will. Purging our deepest feelings is necessary and everyone here can relate so let it out any time.

I think many of us at times during the battle with this disease (yes, it is a battle with the disease, NOT our loved one. They are a victim also) feel ourselves being pulled into a place where tomorrow seems a poor outcome to face. I think we also have to find a way to allow ourselves become less focused on maintaining the standards of our life before and focus on what is immediately before us at the moment. It may mean leaving normal tasks to another time, foregoing repairs, holding back on what we would normally do because life is not normal right now. Focusing all our energies on protecting, caring for and loving our loved one sucks up all we have. It is only now that I am beginning to start the repairs needed, the maintenance of our home required, the deep cleaning preferred, etc. I had to learn that I can get to all that when all I have left is time. If it is within you capabilities, look for some part time help to give you breaks, if only to sit alone and close our eyes. I did that and found people nearby who wanted part time work and were very experienced with someone with AD but did not cost me a fortune. It saved us, my sanity and health and my wife's care did not suffer. Remember that this site is open 24/7 and I sure took advantage at the most odd hours because I need to and could.

Dear @B Lynn

It has taken me a while to respond to your initial post. I can only speak for myself and say you have described how I feel most days and I thought I would only be fueling your despair. But I have learned SO very much from you and all respondents over the past week and am grateful! From your reactions I believe you are finding some support and understanding that is badly needed. As @howhale thoughtfully wrote - begin to let go of the non-essential stuff and concentrate on the here and now. Soon all you will have is the time to take care of that. (Side note - easier said than done and it is still hard for me to let go of those things that I enjoyed or gave me a sense of accomplishment. But I am doing so little by little).

You deserve a big hug! 💝