How to help with guilt

Helpforguilt46 · July 4

My husband has had slight (?) dementia for the past few years with a bit of difficulty walking, always shuffled, and balance issues. He is also an alcoholic. He has fallen 4 times in less than 2 years and could not get up each time. He fell 2 months ago which caused him to have a minor heart attack. He was hospitalized and went through acute alcohol withdrawal. His dementia symptoms increased. In addition, he has Foley catheter because he cannot urinate. He’s been in a skilled nursing facility for rehab but 5 weeks in, PT released him because he was complaining so Medicare stopped paying. We moved him to a small, 8-patient. Assisted Living facility. He will start PT there this week. He is mostly confused but does have somewhat lucid hours. He is asking to come home all the time. He thinks that after seeing a urologist and, hopefully, having the catheter removed, he can come home. I cannot care for him the way he needs and home care is not a good option for both financial reasons and his personality. Although everyone is telling me he is better off in assisted living both for his safety and my sanity, I am so mixed up and guilty. He is 80, I’m 70 and we’ve been married almost 50 years He is not a people person and has no friends so I am his “person”. He gets nasty about how great my life is compared to his now. I am sick to my stomach about feeling as though I’m letting him down.

harshedbuzz · July 4

@Helpforguilt46

You haven't done this to him, the disease has. Full stop.

Has your DH been evaluated for alcohol-related dementia by a neurologist? The falling and gait issues you mention aren't usually seen in people with Alzheimer's or vascular dementia until well into the middle stages unless there is some other issue in play. The nasty disposition is pretty common in people with ARD IME. This is an overview.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22687-wernicke-korsakoff-syndrome

Even if this doesn't apply to your DH, alcohol is a neurotoxin so eliminating it is best regardless and that's most easily accomplished if he's home and has access to alcohol.

There is no role for guilt in any dementia scenario, but in this one he'd likely do best if he remains where he is. Given the dynamic in play in your situation, you're not doing this to him but for him.

Wishing you the best—
Harshedbuzz, who used to be the alcohol police

Goodlife2025 · July 5

I agree with HB fully. Also wishing you are able to become guilt free going forward

Goodlife2025 - The current alcohol warden…….

kelli.b · July 5

@Helpforguilt46 I'm in a very similar situation with my DH. He was diagnosed with dementia in May of this year and is agressive and combative. He doesn't think anything is wrong with him. He is currently in a long term memory care facility. I visited him yesterday and as soon as he sees me, he immediately thinks he's going home. Once he realizes he isn't, he becomes angry and is done talking to me. Im not able to care for him at home because of financial reasons and his behavior issues as well. He remembers home and our dinners together and watching TV together and he desperately wants that again. Its heartbreaking to hear him asking for that again and to go home over and over again. He blames me for him being in the facility and I left our visit yesterday with him saying I can't believe you did this to me. I can hardly bare it, I cried the whole way home and cant stop thinking about this. I feel very guilty even though I know its best for him to be where he is...

Helpforguilt46 · July 5

Kelli.b I am so sorry. I know how painful this is. My husband is always blaming me for “putting” him where he is and when he talks about memories of home and says he wants to come home I almost break. At the same time, I realize I am angry at him because of his drinking and changing our life so drastically over the last 8 years or so. That makes me feel like such a bad person. I wish you strength in this incredibly difficult journey and thank you for sharing your story. It helps to hear that others are going through this heartache and makes me try harder to be patient. Sending you a hug.

harshedbuzz · July 5

@Helpforguilt46

You might be helped by Al Anon. Therapy wouldn't be a bad idea either assuming you find one who gets it.

My mom had many of the same feelings when dad was initially diagnosed in the middle stages. She felt as though dad drank himself stupid which cost her the golden years they'd planned together. She had to sell their winter place in FL and their home near the beach on a golf course, he managed to day-trade away $360K of their nest egg/money set aside for my motherless nieces and lost her carefree lifestyle to become the caregiver to a nasty SOB. She was justifiably angry. You feel what you feel— there is no right or wrong.

I don't know how often you visit, but if you're suffering through them, shorter and less frequent makes sense.

HB

How to help with guilt

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories