Rough Day
On the night of the 3rd my DW started emptying out her drawers and packing up her clothes. I ask what are you doing and she said I am going home as soon as my sister comes(her sister has been dead for years). I did everything I could to convince her that she is home and no need to pack up her things, but she wasn't hearing that and started yelling don't tell me what to do this is my clothing. After about 30 minutes trying to convince her she is home I could see there was no way I was going to stop her. The living room was now full of totes and bags of her clothing and personal items. I thought now that even if she stopped what would she do when we went to bed and maybe leave the house without me knowing and that was a scary thought. I can't just grab her to restrain her, so I called for an ambulance to take her to the hospital. She is still in the hospital and now I have been talking to the social workers there as to what I should do now. I don't want to commit her to a memory care facility, if there is even one available, but I also don't want to face this situation again and again if she comes back home.
My God what do I do???
Thanks for listening.
Comments
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Sorry this is happening to you. Without a little background it’s hard to know where you’re at in the journey. Regardless, if she’s not on some type(s) of medication(s) then it’s time to start looking into this. Most of them go through a stage where they ‘want to go home’. And they want people who are no longer with us. Sounds like your DW is an extreme case. We have all been there. Sometimes you can gently try to explain but mostly just say ok and try to change the subject. Or say ok, but let’s go do this first (like take a ride or something). Or we’ll see them tomorrow because it’s late right now. Hang in there. With some luck this stage will pass.
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My DW has similar delusions, has several bags and totes that she has packed up which I think of as her "running away from home" bags. She tried to start the car a couple weeks ago and said she was going home to her mother, who passed 49 years ago and lived 500 miles from here.
Last night when I was showering, she disappeared and a neighbor came over and got me. She was convinced there was a strange man in the house. I took her to every room and closet to show her there is no one else here. I got two of our adult children on the phone to talk to her. She finally settled down.She would have a total meltdown if I put her in memory care, and she is even morbidly afraid of having anyone besides me in the house.
I am anxious to learn how other caregivers have handled this sort of situation, thank you for posting.
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My husband hasn’t done this yet, but his mother did. Her mind is broken, you cannot reason with her. First, get rid of most of her totes. When she does say she’s going home or starts packing, ask her if you can help and tell her you are taking her tomorrow, but can get everything ready now. Don’t increase the agitation, try and calm it. Medication should also help. I’m sure others have ideas they have used. Think about installing slide locks high up on your entry doors where she cannot reach and escape.
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Hi, @Geot
I am in similar situations with my DH. He is a retired pilot (almost 15 years) and these days he thinks he is still working! He does lots of packing (strange things like tools, bottle of water, knife and fork, and a roll of paper towels! Today) and demands the car keys. He feels he has to be somewhere but cannot tell me where.
I’ve been watching YouTube videos about how to respond to dementia patients when they become super agitated and difficult. What I am learning to do (and still not good at it) is to affirm his emotions first. Saying things like “Oh, Sweetie! I did not know you had to go somewhere today. I can see this is important to you. Let me first take care of ……., then we can sit down and talk more about this while we have some lunch”. Hopefully he settles down and I can have some time to figure out how to handle things better. He WILL remember that he has to go somewhere and it takes a while for that idea to dissipate.
Here is one video by Camille Sinclair from about a year ago. I think Natalie Edmonds might also have similar videos and speeds of Teepa Snow.
It is easy to say what to do but so hard when you are in the heat of battle. I am learning to take a couple of deep breaths and remind myself to keep my voice steady and calm. If I can get past those few seconds it seems to work for me (most of the time).
I hope you are able to work your way through these difficult times. And do talk with the social workers. It could be that some time in a memory care facility might work for your DW. They can adjust her meds and she just might come to like the staff and residents. I understand you can take her back home if things work out, so the move could be temporary. Just a thought.
Hugs! 💝
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I agree about the totes. When she goes to bed, I take them and put them in a downstairs closet or storage area. She never asks about them.
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We went through a similar stage of having to go somewhere. I feel for you, it can be extremely frustrating in the middle of the night. Learning the distractions that work is the tricky part. I would start to “help “ getting ready to go but then come up with something I need help with that she could assist me with.
I utotally agree with affirming emotions. When my DW has an out burst I try to meet her at whatever agitation level she is on and tell her we will work on the problem together. Slowly and calmly try to talk her back down. It is not easy.3 -
My DW did exactly as yours is doing. At first after she went to sleep, I would unpack the totes and put them back. After doing this several times, I thought to myself that is a waste of my energy and I just let her put her totes anywhere in the house. She also wandered a couple of times and I had to get the police to help me find her. I then put double keyed locks on all the doors that led out of the house. Never had to worry about her leaving then. These two things were just a phase and now she has no interest in her totes full of clothes. Over a period of time I would empty a tote a day and eventually all clothes were back in her closet and dressers. Hang in there as this should calm down. To keep my stress down I just go with the flow. My DW now only showers with my help maybe 2 times a week if I can talk her into it. Between showers she wears the same clothes until then. I used to struggle getting her into pajamas but there again I stopped trying and just let her wear her clothes she has on. We all have a lot of daily stress so letting go of some of the trivial thing help.
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Great job calling for an ambulance once it escalated to her anger. If they rule out a UTI, be insistent that behavior medication be considered. Just know that persons with dementia only believe what’s in their head at the moment. I boxed up most of my husbands clothes except for a few things to keep them out of his sight.
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My DW does take memantine and seroquel….hard to tell if any of this is working. Her neurologist told me that she is at the maximum on the doses and cannot be increased…….has not suggested any other meds that may be better. Anyone have their LO's taking other meds that seem to work.
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@jgreen..thank you for the video. I see there are a lot of things I have been doing wrong but so very hard to react with the proper response in a nano second…but I will keep doing the best I can as this journey continues.
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Yes, when my DH was in the stage of wanting to go home, then spending hours laying out outfits, then bundling up as many as he could and roamed the house, sometimes getting outside, I added interior combination locks to all doors. Initially, I would say you are home, but that didn’t work. I learned to distract him with YouTube nature/music videos and to help me look at family photos or let’s have ice cream. Then I would hide his current clothes bundle. I had hundreds of photos in big flat boxes. It would entertain him for hours. He had only been on Aricept for years. Eventually, moderate agitation started, neurologist added Depakote 500 mg, then to 1,000 mg, for mood stabilization. I was very happy it calmed him, without heavy sedation. Some time later, agitation outgrew that, he added Seroquel 50 mg, 3x daily, as needed. DH only needed 2x . Eventually, his agitation got very high with bathing, changing clothes, fear of strangers walking by the house, etc. It escalated a lot, he would tear things off the wall, throw things, it was dangerous. neurologist tried Levapro, but that plummeted his BP. Just placed him in memory care, and have huge guilt, thought I could keep him home forever.
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memantine was not a good fit for my husband and it actually made him really aggressive once he hit 20 mg. Right now we are using sertraline 125mg and I give melatonin mid afternoon 5mg ( some times I add a 3mg ) and Trazadone 100mg around 8pm( sometimes sooner).
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I afraid I am heading for all the things you have said. I feel so guilty visiting her in the hospital and seeing her laying there wanting to leave but really delusional. Maybe a memory care facility might be my only option but even that would just increase my guilty feeling….at this point I don't know what to do.
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Introducing depakote and then later buspirone have helped a lot for my DW who is in stage 7
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My DW expresses the want to go home to be with family on a daily basis. This is a very difficult request to satisfy as all her family is in the Philippines and we are in Florida. i most of the time try to distract her or say we will talk about it tomorrow and she moves on. The big issue is however she cannot remember any family names and her family is from memories when she was a child. DW always wants to buy what she needs to pack up her belongings when we go shopping but she never tells me what those things are. As a consequence, we have purchased several sizes of cardboard boxes, totes, misc containers and several sizes of plastic bags in attempts to satisfy her needs. DW never gets to the packing stage even when I offer to help, I guess the time will come when she actually packs up and I will have to deal with it. What an adventure this is!
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The actual packing was a nightmare…emptying out her drawers, grabbing most everything in her closet and stuffing it in a tote. Nothing I could say would calm the situation. Maybe I just don't have the skills to deal with this….that hurts me a lot because I do know what the end result of all of her delusions will eventually be, and not sure if I can even deal with that…the guilt feeling I will have for not hanging in there.
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Have them keep her there as long as possible and ask the SW for inpatient Geri psych unit. That will give you time to make decisions and hopefully they can get her calmer and “ stable”. Take the time to clear away as much as possible . I put black trash bags over suitcases and other items I didn’t want my DH to pull out. Making these decisions are hard.
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my dad is in a memory care and still does this. He’s easily redirected as the staff tell me, they tell him to take it back in to his room and he does. But I think the staff got tired of stuff being everywhere and they took all his stuff away. He has no tv, no blinds, windows practically nailed shut. That behavior comes and goes. I can tell you that even when in a memory care there are still worries. The facility may tell you they tolerate and can handle everything but don’t believe them
Not true unfortunately
I feel like I’m always trying fight for him even while in memory care
I wish you luck
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Hello! This is my 2nd time posting. I rarely visit this site because it makes me very sad and anxious when I read the postings and comments as I see myself being in similar situations in the future. My DH was diagnosed with mild Alzheimer's 1 and a half year ago. His illness is slowly advancing. He is aware of what is happening to him and he tells me that he feels his brain feels foggy and his memory not working well. Lately he has been asking about wanting to talk to his mother who has been dead for 14 years. This mostly happens after waking up from a nap or when waking up in the middle of the night. He wanders around our apartment looking for his mother. I wake up and ask him to come to bed but he gets upset when he asks about his mother and I stay quiet because I do not know how to tell him that she is dead. I tell him that she does not live with us, that we can talk in the morning and to come to bed because we will be too tired the next day. It is very frustrating because he goes back to sleep and I remain awake. Sometimes I feel that I am not be able to function because I am vey exhausted.
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MariaC
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
My DW would ask for relatives (many) that have passed. I would never tell DW that they had passed. I would tell her we can see them in the morning or I hadn’t seen them yet today or ask what do you need from them or yeah I always liked them and was just looking for them. She would probably not understand that they have passed. If she would then she would have to mourn all over again every time the topic comes up. Sadly my DWs son passed and I have never told her. Now I don’t believe she even knows she has children. Attempting distraction worked best for me but it’s not easy.
Don’t stop visiting the site. I just started visiting here and wish I had visited sooner. DW and I are 6+ years in our journey. I am still looking for any clues I can pick up from fellow caregivers.4 -
My DW is also very delusional after waking in the morning and even more so after a nap in the afternoon. I am always up and about before she gets up in the morning and start preparing myself for what is to come…it is exhausting to say the least. I am not sure if I have the skills to be a good caregiver for her and the thought of putting her in a memory care facility is killing me. Not all suggestions the good people give here work for everyone, but some do and is very helpful.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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