My First Visit

blacksparky · July 4

I placed my DW into MC last Wednesday. At the suggestion of the facility we agreed that I would give my DW about a week to get her accustomed to her new surroundings. I’m planning on my first visit this coming Wednesday. I’m curious to see from you folks that have a LO in MC, how your first visit went.

harshedbuzz · July 5

@blacksparky

The first visit was a nightmare which was exactly as I expected. But then nasty and accusatory were was his baseline at home, too.

The facility did not suggest a period to allow him to get accustomed to his new care team and the facility and mom didn't want him to feel abandoned, so we went the next day. It was probably a mistake. Because I didn't trust him to behave, I went along which was for the best as mom felt guilty and was inclined to allow him to excoriate her. It went exactly as I thought it would and I physically dragged her out.

We'd already adjust his meds to allow for a better transition ahead of placement, and he did start to calm down within the first 2 weeks. During that time, I came with mom and made sure to keep them in the public areas where he had an audience the entire time. He had just enough social filter to behave in "public".

A month in, he had settled in and thought of the place as where he lived. Two months in, he had the happy delusion that his brother and cousin lived there as well and that they went clubbing in the basement most nights. Visits after that were very pleasant. He'd be happy with his treats from me, and I had some of the nicest times with him in my entire life. Sometimes he and mom would take an afternoon nap together which had been their custom before dementia which was peaceful for them both.

HB

dcare45 · July 7

This is a question I have been thinking about for quite some time but didn’t know who to ask. ANOTHER ONE of my biggest worries.

Beachfan · July 7

I’m surprised you haven’t had more of a response as many on this forum have needed to place a loved one and everyone’s experience is different. I placed DH after 11 1/2 years at home where I cared for him 365 days a year, 24/7. By the time he went into memory care, he no longer knew any family members, where he was, or what he needed to do. I didn’t have the worry of his resisting, or his being miserable and homesick. My first visit was eye-opening in a different way.

His coordinated, carefully folded clothing from home was in slight disarray in his dresser drawers; I soon realized laundry is just replaced in drawers and caregivers need to root to find suitable clothing to put on someone who can no longer dress himself. Within the month, I switched out his golf shirts, jeans, belts, etc., for elastic waist athletic wear and sweatshirts. But horror of horrors, I found him wearing Depends! He was continent under my home care, only because I never took my eyes off him 24 hours a day. A sweet caregiver explained that the Depends were a preventative measure; although patients were regularly toileted, there was no one who could provide the one-to-one supervision that he had had at home. As he progressed, the Depends became part of his daily attire out of necessity.

Long story short, he remained in memory care for 17 months until he passed in April 2023. Sometimes I’d see his shirt on another resident, sometimes I would find sweatpants size XXXL in his drawer; it was all good. He was always clean, well fed, content, and above all well cared for and well loved. In the end, that was all that mattered. I wish you well. It’s a difficult experience all around. 💕

SiberianIris · July 7

Here is the post I wrote about my first visit after putting Mom in MC:

I was dreading my first visit to Mom in MC, since I was the one who actually walked her in there. It's been just under 2 weeks. When I first arrived, I could see that she was in the activity room, so I first stopped by the office where the activity director and nurse manager were. I talked to them to see how things had been going.

They said her adjustment continues to go well. She takes part in most activities, and when she's not in an activity, she's usually sitting in one of the common areas with other people, and spends very little time alone in her room. I was glad to hear this. She sundowns somewhat in the late afternoon, but they said nothing out of the ordinary.

When I saw Mom leave the activity room and head to her room, I gave myself a few minutes to gather my courage. She smiled when she first saw me and then burst into tears (oh crap). I gave her a hug and told her how glad I was to see her. Thankfully, the tears vanished in a few seconds. I said "this is a really nice room", and she said "Yes, it is a nice room, but I hardly have any clothes to wear". I said "well, you don't need a lot of clothes because you're not going to be here forever", and she seemed ok with that. (Even though she now likes to wear the same outfits over and over, I guess it gave her comfort to have a closet stuffed with clothes.)

Based on this group's good advice to visit in the common areas, I suggested we go sit out there. A few residents came over, and she was very pleasant. I then took part in the chair exercise class with her, and she really seemed to enjoy herself. When it was time for lunch, I walked her to the dining room, and said "I'll see you later", and she was soon distracted by the others going in. While she was eating, I went back to her room to check supplies.

The exit from MC is right by the dining room, and I managed to slip out without Mom seeing me.

There were a few times during the visit where she would say "I don't know why I'm here" or "when can I go home?", etc., and I would say she was there for a more serious physical therapy program, and she seemed ok with that, since she likes anything to do with exercise and fitness. At early stage 6, her short term memory loop is so short now, it's almost a blessing.

* * * * * * *

The above post was from 11 months ago. Each visit got easier. By about 4 weeks in, she'd developed several friendships, which made a world of difference. Amazingly, she's still in early stage 6, whereas before MC, she had zipped through stage 5 in months. She still takes part in most of the activities and gets to go on field trips. Her favorite activity is playing the drums in the MC band - something I never dreamed she would do! She's still not quite sure why she's there, I keep to the same story about physical therapy, but she no longer asks to go with me when I leave.

Dio · July 7

First visit was disastrous for me. So brace yourself for the worst but welcome the best. LO may ask if you're there to take them home, or may plead/demand to take them home. Guilt will start to creep and gnaw your insides out. But if your LO has acclimated well, take the win.

tboard · July 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76471/my-first-visit

My DH was happy to see me. I have visited almost every day since day one. When I leave I tell him I am leaving and the add: “ but you know I will be back”. He always says yes and I leave. Once he asked me where I was going. You just never know how it will work until you visit.

jen ht · July 8

How did it go @blacksparky ?

Thinking of you

Chance Rider · July 8

At the VA with my husband right now but wanted to check in and see how your visit with your DW went. Hoping it went well 💜

blacksparky · July 8

Well I just returned home from my first visit with Pamella at her new home (MC). I walked in and I immediately saw her in the gathering room. What I didn’t expect was her holding hands with a fellow male resident. A year ago I probably would have been hurt to see that but now I was glad she found a friend to spend the long days of just sitting around. I did speak to the staff and they said residents do this all the time but if they think there might be a physical problem , they break it up immediately. The rest of the visit went well. She was happy to see me. Towards the end she started getting sad and asking for her mom who passed away a year ago. This is usually when I gave her the Serequel. When I was ready to leave at lunch time, the staff got her redirected to the meal area and I was able to leave without her noticing. I’m planning on going about 3 times a week to see how that works out. Thanks everybody for your stories.

dcare45 · July 9

I am glad it went well for you. Hope it stays smooth.

Jgirl57 · July 9

So good to hear the visit went well. Thanks for updating “us”

Lethe · July 9

I’m sure the hand holding was totally an unexpected sight. I’m not sure how I would feel about that. But it sounds like she is doing well and I hope you are also.

jgreen · July 9

Glad all went well, @blacksparky I hope you can rest a little easier with your decision.

Hugs 💝

Karen711 · July 9

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276930#Comment_276930

Thanks for the update Blacksparky! Sounds like it went as well as it could. I would've been surprised by the handholding happening so quickly too, but interpret that as a sign that she’s settling in pretty easily.
Sending Hugs

Goodlife2025 · July 12

Thanks for the update Blacksparky, I would also take as a positive sign of her settling in but it would still probably cause a twinge when I first saw it.

Lilydaisy · July 14

I think that would be a surprise to all of us. It seems you handled it well, and I'm glad the staff monitors that kind of behavior among residents. This forum gives us lots of things to think about as we try to adjust and adapt. Some happen; some don't but I'll add this to the list of things that could happen. Thanks for sharing this.

jgreen · July 14

Hi, @blacksparky How are things going for you and Pamella? I do hope both of you are adjusting well. Been thinking about you.

blacksparky · July 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277305#Comment_277305

It’s been two weeks now for us. Pamella seems to be acclimating to her new home. I am still figuring out the visiting part. First day I stayed about 3 hours which was too long, next visit was about 90 minutes which also a little too long. For us seems like about one hour works before she wants to get up and go to her fellow residents and talk to them. I’m glad she has made friends there to get her through the days. The staff is very good and attentive which makes me feel good. As we all know, a day at a time is our motto.

jgreen · July 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277320#Comment_277320

Yay! 😀 So glad for both of you! Thanks for letting us know.

notequipped · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277320#Comment_277320

So happy to hear that your wife is settling in so well! How are you doing? I imagine it’s a pretty big adjustment for you, too.

blacksparky · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277414#Comment_277414

Well as far as how I am doing, I’m struggling a little but know I made the right decision. I try to stay busy everyday to help me not think about my loneliness. This may not be what others would do but I have too many memories as I look around my home that every-time I look around I just cry. . I now have taken any picture of Pamella off the walls, I have bought a new bedspread that’s more masculine than the one we had, I have repainted our bedroom and I have taken any knock knack that reminds me of my DW. I guess what I am doing is turning OUR home into MY home. I’m sure there will be a day that I can rehang the pictures of my beautiful wife, but not ready yet. Here’s a picture of my last visit with Pamella at her NEW home.

trottingalong · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277426#Comment_277426

That’s a beautiful photo of Pamela. I can certainly understand turning your home into a space that is yours and makes you happier. My husband is still with me in our home, but I can imagine me doing something similar when the time comes. Take care of you now is the most important thing.

notequipped · July 15

Pamela looks so happy and well cared for. That has to be such a relief for you. I imagine that the grief that you’re going through is similar to what we experience when there is a physical loss. Hard to transition from 24/7 care to suddenly lots of time on your hands. Do you have friends or family nearby? Getting out of the house and social interaction would probably do you a world of good. Anyway, so much of the focus here is on our LOs. Just wanted you to know that we’re thinking about you, too. Hope that you’re able to find some moments of happiness along the way.

CindyBum · July 15

Oh, blacksparky. I'm so happy to hear your dear Pamela is settling in ok. She looks quite lovely and settled into her new space. What a tough decision to make, but the right one for her and you.

Hang in there.

annie51 · July 16

@blacksparky I’m late to this discussion but wanted to tell you how happy I am that things seem to be going well. I love the picture of Pamella - she has a wonderful smile and looks so happy. It’s very hard to find your “way” at first when your LO is being cared for elsewhere, but speaking from experience, you’ll get there. The toughest decisions are behind you and you should be relieved that things are going well. Keep us posted!

My First Visit

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