Move to be closer to mom? Or move her close to me?

kzwilliams · July 14

Hi- these forums have been really helpful, thank you. I’m currently struggling with a new dilemma.

I moved my mom into memory care this April, 2026. I see her monthly, and stay for 3 to 4 days at a time at my niece‘s house. I’m realizing I don’t even get to see her very much while I’m there because I’m running around taking care of things needed for her. Visiting the bank, getting a whole new bed because the one she had was too high, etc., Of course she doesn’t see all this so she thinks I’m in town and not visiting her. I am also working remotely, so trying to squeeze those hours in well as well. Independent contractor. I actually got this job when I was living with her, she is in Spokane, and I’m based in Portland, and it paid enough where I was helping to pay her bills, and get her into assisted-living.

I always said I would move my mom to wherever I am, eventually. And it just may be that time. Every month she gets worse, and whenever I see her, it seems to be progressing rapidly. I still don’t have an official dimentia diagnosis. It’s extremely difficult to get her into see a neurologist, like a waiting list of a year out, and I’ve actually been advised by a few medical professionals to not? Which I don’t understand.
So, we are managing symptoms, and I’m still a little in the dark. I think it might be vascular dementia, and I don’t know the stage, but based on the information here, I have a pretty good idea. It seems to be going faster than I’ve seen for other people.

So here’s where it gets interesting. I left the job as an independent contractor, it was a small organization, and I think I would’ve been let go due to funding anyway. With everything, it was a difficult place to work, and it was really affecting my mental health to be able to do all this, and the demanding job too.

I have a new job part-time teaching, and I’m excited to ramp this up further.

in meantime, my mom is doing worse and worse. I didn’t want to move her out of Spokane, because she still has some best friends there that would like to see her, even though they are older themselves. My brother lives there, but is not showing up very often at all now. I have POA. Even though he’s the closest, he can’t be bothered to take any time off for things like doctors appointments when she was still leaving the facility, etc. It’s like pulling teeth to ask him to do anything. And he gets angry. I don’t expect him to do all the things that I do, I do a lot behind the scenes, but I wish he would just show up. Or do some specific things. I have another brother who lives near me in Portland and has seen her about three times in the last year. He has a full-time job, but his wife is a flight attendant, and he could fly for free every weekend if he wanted to. Any weekend. His wife is pretty upset with him, not showing up for her, or their child either, so that’s a whole other thing. I told him he needs to come once a month to see her.
I decided to keep her in Spokane, originally, because I was unemployed at the time, this fall, before I got either of those jobs, and her friends and family are there. If I moved her, she wouldn’t see her son who is in Spokane, I don’t think he would travel, or my adult niece who has three kids of her own. If I moved her here, don’t think she would see her grandkids, or great grandkids. Maybe once or twice more. Her friends who would like to see her, but they still don’t mind seeing her in her state. They’re having a hard time getting a hold of her with her phone, and I just haven’t been able to get a new one yet. I’m overwhelmed.
so, thank you for reading this far. I feel like I’m more , because I only have the part-time job now, I don’t know what I would do in Spokane, but I guess I could give up a year or two to move there. I have family there. I think they all want me to move. I’m trying to maintain some independence and some form of life here in Portland. When I first moved her into MC and I had a moment to breathe, it almost felt like I was on vacation. I was happy to be working, in my apartment, and knowing that she’s been being taken care of. However, it’s getting harder and harder. As her disease is progressing. I’ve been told by my other family members, her siblings, who are all older, “to not give up my life”. I don’t know how to reconcile the two.

I asked her doctor last week, I happened to be there when they did their monthly evaluation, I said, I know you don’t have a crystal ball, but based on her rapid decline, what do you think? I asked, initially for financial planning purposes. Again, I know you can never tell, but I did want to ask. They said they are thinking 1 1/2 years to 2 years. Which makes me want to move there. And give up the life I have here. If I only have one and a half to two years with her, on the high end! Anything could happen at any time, am I OK if I live far away and I’m only seeing her once a month for 3 to 4 days? I could stay longer, but I don’t want be a burden on my niece, she has a full house with three kids, and the oldest brother I mentioned is living with her. And with working, it will be hard to juggle.

I just don’t know what to do. Or perhaps I do, but I don’t like the answer.

A note about finances:
She’s not in a 2 year medicaid facility right now, and I will probably have to make some financial decisions at some point. Which I think might be now. This is why I asked the question. I have 2 to 3 years full funding in the place that she is now. I was an emergency mode, moving her in here in the first place, and it was connected to the AL facility where she was. I moved her into this AL initially because it was the only one she entertained moving into in November. I realize now I should’ve made a different decision and done what was best given the circumstances, and instead of what she wanted. Or trying to make her happy. I just didn’t know.

SusanB-dil · July 14

Hi kzwilliams - just my little opinion, but it seems it would be way easier on you to move her closer to you. You do not have the help you need from others where she is, but still trying to get everything done. With doing so much, and the worry when you aren't near, you are looking at burnout. Please don't do that. If family and friends were going to help more, they would have by now. ((hugs))

H1235 · July 14

It is so tough to make these incredibly difficult decisions. I have things I think I should have done differently also. I try very hard not to beat myself up over my mistakes. We are human after all. We also don’t have a crystal ball to tell us the future. The doctor may think 1 1/2 to 2 years, but it could be 5. As the DPOA I think you need to have her near you. Can you move her in your car at this point or will you need medical transport? If you wait too long that may be necessary. As things progress there may be hospital visits for a fall, uti, pneumonia etc. you need to be able to get to the hospital. As far as a diagnosis, there is really not much that can be done to treat dementia. Mom had a 2 hour evaluation with lots and lots of questions. This evaluation can be extremely stressful. I would ask yourself what benefit it would have. I can understand that it would be helpful to know if it’s vascular dementia or Alzheimer’s, but is it worth it? Not one of mom’s doctors has ever given a stage using the dbat 7 stages. I thinks it’s pretty common for them to just use a 3 stage model, which really doesn’t tell you much. As long as other medical conditions have been ruled out, I can see why it might not be worth the stress to have extensive testing done. As far as finances, is this facility associated with any facilities in your area? Would they allow her to continue the 2 to 3 year of full funding if you moved her? Medicaid is so complicated, as if this isn’t bad enough already. Have you looked into facilities near you. If not, maybe that’s the place to start. Some may have a waiting list. It’s hard to make decisions until you’ve gathered all the information.

pjasso · July 14

I agree with SusanB-dil .. . You are already doing so much for your mom, you love her . . . I wouldn't uproot your life and your support system. You have to take care of yourself too. Of course, none of us know your situation, we can only reflect on ours.

3 years ago, my mom lived in a senior community (no care, but it was for seniors only). My brother lived there and did very very little. I was driving to her once a month and staying 48 hours, and had a full time job. I decided to move her here. She now lives 1/2 mile down the road in AL. I'm sure I will be needing to find MC in the future, but for now it is working out well for both of us. My brother visits for ONE DAY, once a year, a couple days after Christmas. He didn't even come for her 90th birthday party last year. He and I are no longer close, but he is there and is "supportive" when I text him, at least he listens, with an occasional call.

My mom missed her friends and her church, but likes living here near me.
We can't give up our lives for our parents, but we can do whatever we can to make adjustments, even if it is adjustment to their lives, to make our support more reasonable. I've learned to make boundaries so I'm not at her beck and call every minute (so it seemed). The boundaries I put into place seems to have actually HELPED my mom. When I took her every call and text, she seemed to get more "ramped" up on things. She seems to have settled now that I am not monitoring everything she does and says. I have a close eye on her in other ways, and I check in with her now in the morning and before dinner, but sometimes a day will go by without communication and I believe it is better for both of us.

Now I'm rambling . . . sorry

April23 · July 14

I agree with everyone above. You do not have to give up your life. Your mom would not want that either. And you’ll still be doing plenty as the disease progresses even with her near you. If friends and family were going to visit and support, you would have seen that already and as the disease progresses, it will happen even less. When mom is gone, you should not have to start all over. There is nothing wrong with doing whatever is needed to make her care more manageable.

ARIL · July 14

These decisions are so difficult!

You know your situation best, so I’ll just give you my impulses based on my own experience. My dad was first in his home and later in AL nearby, with me several states away. I was working full time and going there every month, for typically a two-day visit, doing banking, supplies, home maintenance—and a little personal visiting. My dad now lives in MC very close to my home. It is better by a lot. I sleep at night, I check in frequently, I have met the ambulance at the ER on two occasions. (I drove him here on a ten-hour trip. That would not even be possible now.)

The friends at his previous home who now talk about missing him rarely visited when they had the chance. He had the most visits in AL in the week after I told people he would be moving to be near me.

It was not feasible for me to leave my job, so the option of my moving there was not in the cards even as an idea. So our situations are different.

But I agree with others that doctors cannot predict longevity. I’ve seen others on this forum (usually spouses) ask, “Where do you want to live in stage 8 (after the PWD dies)?” If your answer is Portland, then stay put. Move mom to you. If Spokane, then go for that…

jen ht · July 14

You've gotten great advice. I just wanted to add that I feel for you. We understand here. When I was new here someone (or several someones) gave me the advice that having dad nearby would be a huge help for me and that I needed to consider my own health in this so I can continue caring for him. 💜 I am grateful for that advice almost daily.

jht

kzwilliams · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277337#Comment_277337

I don’t think you’re rambling at all! In fact, I think your brother must’ve called my brother and gave him tips. Dan visited two days after Christmas, flew in, and flew out that same day. I had to drop everything to drive him around, create happy post-Christmas memories, all while I’m trying to work, and wrap up mom’s affairs. He did it again on Easter, this time I put my foot down, and I said I couldn’t pick him up from the airport or drive him around. Each time I got a call the night before.

He also brought his son with him, and the poor thing was traumatized by the end of both visits. He said he “has to be nice to her, because he didn’t know how much time she had left”. I wish he would take his own advice.

I agree with not taking every text and call. I did, especially when she first moved in to AL in November, and one time it got up to 17 times a day. I counted. This is also while I was trying to work, and start a brand new remote job. It was hell. And before March - when she finally went to MC - from November to February, I would drop everything at the drop of the hat - at least disrupt or reschedule my entire day, to take her to Walgreens, etc. I was going back-and-forth to Portland more often at this time. So sometimes I would be conveniently “out of town.” But still seeing her very, very often. I would also have to to be out of town while I was going through her entire storage unit, clearing the condo out to sell, working with realtors, etc.

I would also take her out to dinner often, because she loves it, and I didn’t know how many dinners out she had left. I’m still right about that one.

kzwilliams · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277345#Comment_277345

This is really helpful, thank you. I haven’t thought about after. Very much. Other than I could move back. On this thread, somebody said do I want to start all over? If I choose to do that?

I also haven’t mentioned pressure from family to move back. I think they all want me there, but I would be so resentful if I had to move and do even more. That’s not even it. I knew I would do more.

I just have to get over the fact that they’re giving up nothing, and I have to give up not only just my time ,but just nearly everything. I think my brothers would be even more hands off. Because.
”I was there so - I don’t need to go” or, alternatively,if I were, I could just put my foot down and make them come when I needed them there. Instead of asking them from afar. If I’m being realistic, that probably wouldn’t work either.

kzwilliams · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277335#Comment_277335

I am looking at You’re exactly right. And also, other friends and family would’ve stepped up by now. You’re right. I think she has even more friends who would stop by, if they could get a hold of her. I’m still beating myself up for not fixing her phone/ buying something else new entirely. I think she would feel less alone, and I still feel terrible. I haven’t been able to do it.

The reality is that her friends are aging as well, and one has the start of dementia. The husband of one of her dear friends was going to help me move a few things of hers in, and also take her out to lunch while I prepared her MC room for the move, but he had a heart attack. He felt terrible,! And had to cancel.

It turned out, she had a fall literally 15 minutes before she was supposed to go out to lunch with another family friend while I coordinated the move from her AL apartment to her MC room. So, I spent the next 3 1/2 hours in the ER with her, and the staff moved her things to the best of their ability. But it wasn’t set up correctly, they can’t find things that I moved specifically for her needs, e.g. a waterproof mattress cover, nice curtain/blackout shades, curtain, rod, etc.

I also packed an extra pair of supportive shoes.

and it still looks very stark. She hasn’t let me fix it up while I’m there.

My brother only took her for 2 1/2 hours the day before I was supposed to move in, and that was the only time I had to prepare anything.

April23 · July 15

I read somewhere to think about what you will need after your LO is gone: your marriage, your health, your job, your home, your finances. We should not be expected to give up everything to care for our parents, they would not want that. Instead we should integrate their lives into ours so that caring for them is more easily possible while still meeting our own needs. Ignore the pressure from others, their stake in this is not the same.

pjasso · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277411#Comment_277411

well said

Move to be closer to mom? Or move her close to me?

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