Uneasy about leaving for a night

Jeff H · July 15

I'm going to my 50th high school reunion. It's 3.5 hours away from here. I'm leaving Saturday at noon and will return on Sunday around noon. Our 25 year old daughter lives at home (which I'm lucky for). Our daughter has watched over my DW for short 1 to 2 hour periods without much of a problem. I didn't want to go to my reunion to put that burden on our daughter. Our daughter insisted that I go and said she has this. I'm not uneasy about having our daughter care for my DW in my absence I'm worried about how my DW might react to my extended time away. Do I say to my DW that I'm leaving to go to the reunion and tell her I'll see you tomorrow? I'm thinking she's not going to like that. Can I just say I'm going out to run some errands and I'll be back? For context, my DW goes to sleep around 6pm and sleeps soundly until 7am. My DW also slows down in the mid to late afternoon. Our exit doors have been protected to prevent my DW from leaving. My daughter said she will sleep on the couch outside the master bedroom that evening. My main concern is the wording about letting my DW know what's going on. Do I tell her the truth, or not? Any input would be appreciated.

Biggles · July 15

if it was me I wouldn’t say anything. I have found that pre-empting trouble just makes things more stressful, just go but I would discuss it with my daughter and work out a gentle line of conversation if your DW asks. I’d probably suggest diversion tactics, plus chocolates, ice cream or whatever works. Perhaps if it is possible have somewhere to go for a drive or coffee the following day.

H1235 · July 15

I don’t think you need to tell her where you’re going or how long you will be gone. Is there chance she might expect to to with you? I think your idea to tell her you are running some errands is good. If she starts asking when you will be back, your daughter can distract and give her some vague answer (he’ll be back soon). If she asks in the morning, just tell her the same story. He’s running some errands, he’ll be back soon. Is there some activity she might enjoy with your daughter that would distract her (looking through old photos, bake cookies…)? I hope you enjoy the reunion. You deserve some time away.

Goodlife2025 · July 15

Jeff, regardless of what you tell your DW, I hope you let yourself enjoy the evening, take a few deep breaths and even if some minor thing goes awry it will be worth the opportunity for you have this "me" time.

persevere · July 15

I agree with the general sentiment not to try to explain it to her. I think the most difficult part will be bedtime. Strategize with your daughter on how to handle this. Even if it’s ‘he’s stuck in traffic’ and maybe a phone call only if absolutely necessary.

tboard · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76552/uneasy-about-leaving-for-a-night

We often worry about things that won't happen. You could give it a trail run by being gone for a few hours while your daughter is home.

blacksparky · July 15

Jeff, I usually just tell my DW that I’ve got to go out and get gas for the car or I have to pick up a couple of things at the store and I will be back soon. Every time I returned she was fine. Have your daughter redirect your DW as you are leaving. Have a great reunion and try not to think about your situation at home ( easier said than done).

Jeff H · July 15

Thank you all for your insight. I really appreciate you.

dcare45 · July 15

Reading your post I was also thinking a dry run would work. Even to the point of having your daughter put her to bed with you out of sight for a while. I don’t tell my DW when I’m leaving. I just hang around until she gets engaged a bit with who I have staying with her. Then I slip out.

jfkoc · July 15

Groceries, gas station. post office, Dr appointment, hair cut, bank, movie, golf, tennis, dentist………

Call me Gram · July 20

How was the reunion, @Jeff H?

WIGO23 · July 21

I totally understand your feeling about this and wanting to do what is best for your DW. My experience is in leaving to travel to MD Anderson (1500 mile trip) for my annual follow up. I make it as short a stay as possible (2-3) days depending on coordinating various appointments. My DH with ALZ used to go with me as wonderful support through my tests and while awaiting results. Now he cannot play that role. I miss him terribly.

I have discovered that it is best not to tell him until the last minute I will be gone and that he will stay with our daughter. Otherwise, he asks to come. My daughter says he forgets where I have gone but she reassures her I am coming back, distracts him and it usually gets him through my time away. I do call him and it has worked thus far.

My advice is definitely go and leave with little warning (if any); be sure she is told over and over you will be back soon and enjoy your respite time without guilt!

Jeff H · July 22

UPDATE:

I went with all of your suggestions. I did not tell my DW that I was leaving. I just left. About an hour after I left, I got a text from my daughter. My DW left a parting gift on our laundry room tile to christen the occasion. My daughter said it was fine and cleaned up the urine and gave her new clothes. My wife only asked once where I was that day. My daughter stayed on script and said I was out running errands. The evening at home went well. My DW went to sleep on time and my daughter slept on the couch outside of our bedroom. On the following morning, my DW never asked where I was. My daughter was active with her that entire morning without any issues.

I enjoyed my 50th reunion! I saw friends that I haven't seen in 50 years! It was great. I'm so glad I went. Thank you all for your input and support. It truly means a lot to me.

Jeff

Call me Gram · July 22

This is so good to read… Glad you enjoyed yourself! And, the parting gift part made me laugh out loud. 😆

Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

Jeff H · July 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277974#Comment_277974

Thank you for asking for a follow up.

Goodlife2025 · July 22

So glad you were able to enjoy the time for yourself. Just curious if you don't mind sharing - Were you emotionally ready for her to miss you maybe not as much as you anticipated? I wonder about that situation for us.

jgreen · July 22

Hooray, @Jeff H So happy all worked out for you! Your daughter is terrific - give her a big hug!

notequipped · July 22

One of the few posts here that made me smile BIG this morning! So happy that you went and had such a good time.
Thank you for sharing the approach that worked for you, too. Good to know.

Jeff H · July 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277991#Comment_277991

I was just glad that she didn't get upset because I wasn't there. That's what I worried about. But, it turned out to be a non-issue.

annie51 · July 22

Such a great follow up! Makes me think about how many times I worried about stuff that never turned out to be worry-worthy. I just couldn’t help myself. One other thing to add…when my DH was at the point where he didn’t miss me when I was gone or ask about me every 5 minutes, it made it SO much easier to leave him with a companion or one of our friends for a couple of hours. So instead of being sad about it, I took it as a positive. It ultimately made it easier when I had to place him in MC because he wasn’t constantly asking where I was.

So happy for you @Jeff H that you had a great time connecting with old friends!

Uneasy about leaving for a night

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