Does anyone else feel this way?

Nicole5 · July 16

Both of my parents have memory issues. My mom has a diagnosis of Alzheimers- probably late stage 4, and my dad has dementia, non specified, because he refuses to see a doctor. I don't want to spend time with them anymore because it's hard—— for all the reasons. In an effort to keep this post short, they are safe, have food, probably aren't taking their meds, but also they don't care. They seem to have given up. The anger they project at me, because I'm not "entertaining them," or "needing them" is hard to constantly shied myself from.

I know I'll miss them when they are gone someday. That is my struggle. I know I should be spending more time with them now, but it isn't quality. I get yelled at and ridiculed from people who were once my everything. My mom was has taken swings at me 2x, once in a hospital setting and another time at church, because I was asking too many questions and trying to silence her cell phone. I am also a mom to my own 3 young kids and work full time. When we've all gone out in public they are embarrassing. They say things that are inappropriate and they are demanding. I cringe and end up explaining and apologizing on their behalf.

I know this sounds like a selfish post and I am going to begin counseling to sort through my feelings and grief and anger with them. I am just wondering if anyone else feels like they just want to walk away from once loving dementia patients…in my case, parents. Dementia has robbed me of the loving, wonderful people that raised me.

I appreciate any gentle thoughts.

zabka · July 16

I am going through similar.. mom has dimentia and alzheimers and has been verbally abusive and aggressive towards me whenever I try to help. I know its the disease so I exercise patience, have set limits where I walk away or end visit when she gets aggressive. My dad is 90 and also likely has undiagnosed dimentia. Same story. Some days I feel like walking away but personally I just cant. I'm the only one they have. My brother is useless and won't help at all. Doesn't visit anymore. I've stopped updating he and his wife.

I love my parents too much to stop going, despite what my visits are like. But you are right, visits are just being yelled at, no quality or nice time anymore. Its sad, very hard and frustrating but I still do it.

Everyone has their own tolerance levels and we all need to establish limits on what we can or cant do. Its a personal choice.

There for you regardless of what you decide.

terei · July 16

These are very very common feelings to have about the situation. You can certainly see a counselor to help you with this. In your situation, I would limit my interactions with them. If they are agitated themselves and unsetting you, I do not see much benefit to either of you. Something that worked for me was to consider my contacts with my mother as I would a job to help her and try to be as detached as possible when she was cruel or aggravating to me. Honestly, their behavior really has nothing to do with you personally. I know that is hard to accept, but there is no way to predict how a damaged/altered brain is going to present. It is more productive to learn how to manage their behavior and limit interaction.

Nicole5 · July 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277520#Comment_277520

I'm sorry you are going through a very similar situation. I agree that I love them too much to ever walk away completely. I would drop everything in a second if/when they need me, and I have. Maybe it's a new boundary I need to establish in regards to visits. Just like this disease is always changing them, thank you for helping me realize that my own relationship with them will be always changing for now on.

Nicole5 · July 16

Thank you for the response. I think that if I can start to view my relationship with them thru a different lens that could be helpful and I might be able to tolerate more time spent together. I do want to spend time with them—-but the "old" them, not this new reality. Since I can't change reality I can control how I view time spent now. It will never be like it used to. Thank you for your reminders.

H1235 · July 16

You might want to reconsider where/how you visit. Taking them out in public is probably something that just can’t happen anymore. Try to really think through the best time of day to visit. My mom is not a morning person, so I never visit in the morning. I also avoid interrupting 2:00 bingo time. Some people suffer from sundowning, so visiting in the evening might not be good. Yes Im resentful that I have to visit at an inconvenient time for me. If you try very short visits you might find it more tolerable. Bringing treats might help. Avoid any hot topics that cause them anxiety or anger at all possible costs. My mom is very angry that she can not visit her home. She lives in a nursing home 30 minutes from her house in a different small town. I don’t even mention the name of her town let along having been there for some reason. Lastly if they are that angry and upset, maybe you could talk with their doctor about medication. It can’t be comfortable for them either. It can take a while to find the right medication.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories