I was grumpy with my DH today

KarenMusic · July 19

I am usually able to modulate my own feelings and be kind to my DH. But yesterday had an incident of being unkind to him. I feel terrible about it! Does this happen to other caregivers? How can I not feel so guilty about it?

ronda b · July 19

Yes. No one is perfect. Your doing a hard job right now. Give yourself a break.

blacksparky · July 19

Yes that has happened to me many times. We as caregivers have a lot of responsibility not only taking care of our LO’s but also the duties of the house and all that comes with it. I feel when I got grumpy or frustrated, my body was telling me to stop and take a deep breath and get some sort of respite like doing something I enjoyed whether taking a short walk or gardening or whatever made me feel good. Just remember to listen to your body. You are a hero and don’t forget that.

jgreen · July 19

Hi, @KarenMusic

I have those moments too. What I am learning to do is say things like “That was tough on both of us. I can learn from this moment and do better next time.”

As @ronda b wrote - give yourself a break (and from me - some grace). We are all human.

Sending you a big hug! 💝

notequipped · July 19

Yes! I have lost it numerous times. The spilled nail polish remover incident really got me going - not just because she snuck it down or tried to deny that she spilled it - she smeared that stuff everywhere while trying to hide that she spilled it!! Just thinking about it still gets me worked up. Just because she has Alz doesn’t make me any less human.

Maru · July 19

I was going to be this loving wife/caretaker for my DH. Most of the time I am close to being that, but every now and then something snaps and I get impatient. I feel awful when that happens. The reality is that we are humans who daily subjugate or bury their feelings for the sake of the other. You are not a bad person; you are human. Forgive yourself and try again.

Maru · July 19

I was going to be this loving wife/caretaker for my DH. Most of the time I am close to being that, but every now and then something snaps and I get impatient. I feel awful when that happens. The reality is that we are humans who daily subjugate or bury their feelings for the sake of the other. You are not a bad person; you are human. Forgive yourself and try again.

EarlInCA · July 19

Wow, you are banging yourself up after one grump? For me, it's a good day when I don't lose it with my DW. I see many here who have been living with spousal AD for far longer than my 3.5 years which began with the repetitious questioning and has steadily progressed in spite of 3 years of hyperbaric oxygen therapy and 17 monthly infusions of Kisunla (donanemab). The repetition, loss of ability to relate an upcoming event to the watch/clock, and the inability to do anything except watch the clock, watch the event list, watch me, and question why we aren't already doing what may be hours away; are enough to drive any sane person to grumpiness.

I have finally reached the point where I am reaching out for help in managing my care-giving through reading and support groups. I did learn something valuable yesterday: the memory region of the brain goes much faster than the emotional portion of the brain.

They remember how you made them feel, not what was said.

I have that pinned where I will see it every day. Today has been a better day.

CindyBum · July 19

Oh yes. No matter how hard I tried, my impatience, grumpiness and frustration showed up more than I would have liked. I also know I felt it many, many, many, many more times than I actually showed it.

You will feel guilty, but please don't hold onto it for too long. Guilt serves no purpose to either of you and we are all mere mortals, not saints. I got to the point where my guilt would only last a few minutes while I simply reminded myself to do better next time. But getting to that point was a battle with guilt I felt like I fought the entire time I was caregiving.

After my DW passed, I was so damn exhausted that I was really worried that I had failed too much to hide my exhaustion and exasperation from my DW at the end, so I looked at the videos from the house cameras I had set up. For months, I could only see a few times where I was rolling my eyes or looking impatient…behind her back. The rest were of me dancing and singing to her face, trying to make her laugh, holding her gently while I put on her shirt, etc.

Please remember that part. Your days are filled with all these moments of caring and love and the one moment of frustrations doesn't even come close to those other 23 and 3/4 hours of love and support.

dcare45 · July 19

Yes, I have had moments like that. Just the fact that you feel a little guilt shows how much you care for your LO. Cut yourself a little slack, take a deep breath and put it behind you. Caring the guilt will only make the incredibly difficult task you are doing even harder. As caregivers we still have all our human emotions, and they are bond to pop out expectantly.

Cami · July 20

Reading this post made me wonder…. why would we not feel grumpy from time to time and be "mean" to our loved one? Caregiving is so damn hard and there is very little support for those of us doing it… I don't mean groups but finding solutions, navigating the system etc. We are dealing with unpredictable behaviors. I never can predict when my DH will "get" something and when he gets confused and can't process a simple question or issue. How do we do it? And also, facing the great unknown… I worked in hospital social work for over 30 years. I would always tell families that they can handle alot for a short period of time but when there is so much unknown and unpredictable, it gets much harder. To be honest, I feel there is an expectation that we take on the caregiving role and are some sort of selfless heros and I think that expectation is unrealistic at best and damaging to all of us at worst. It is normal and healthy to sometimes get frustrated, angry and impatient.

Rellie76 · July 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277800#Comment_277800

This! Exactly. This isn't our 'job', its our life. There's a difference. No going home at the end of the day to unwind. Its 24/7. Being perfect or even just calm all the time is not going to happen.

Timmyd · July 21

If there is a downside to this forum, it is there are certain events which transpire as a result of the disease with which I really want to share with other like minded people. However, I am not comfortable describing those events in writing for all the world to see for eternity. It would be good if there was a sort of "confessional hotline" we could call to unload that type of stuff. I cannot bring myself to put in writing, how I am behaving in my worst moments.

persevere · July 21

You’re not alone timmyd. But I will say now that the end appears to be near (maybe months to a year) I don’t let it get to me anymore. It’s sinking in that she can’t help it and me losing it only makes it worse and probably scares her.

ChrisR68 · July 21

Hello,

Oh yes I have lost it so many times and have cried. I am human and have not lost it in about 2 months, so I am doing better! Please dont beat yourself up! this is soooo hard for us and frustrating ! God bless you ad remember you are doing the best you can under the circumstances . I often wonder to myself , if the tables were turned how would he be with me? huh already know the answer , terrible! not half as patient as me! apparently God chose me to be the caregiver and you as well, so we can do it!

Cami · July 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277855#Comment_277855

I think your post supports my thoughts that the expectations but on all of us to be selfless and not have, or control our emotions all the time are so unrealitic. You should not have to feel badly when the burden gets to you. Maybe if more people talked freely about the dark thoughts and feelings, we would all feel less badly about them. What do you think?

I was grumpy with my DH today

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