Needing to talk to someone, anyone who can relate

Hello,

It is so hard to learn on the fly how to navigate the emotional minefield that is dementia—you are not alone in your feelings of helplessness, regret, frustration, and sadness. It's all turmoil.

Unfortunately, if your dad's also having memory issues then the ship's already sailed in terms of his being able to assist with managing your mom in a safe way.

The memory loss means that they can't 'pin' a memory of anything they've done, or seen, or heard, during the day. They won't remember things from the last 30 minutes, and certainly can't remember things from the last few days, weeks, or months. Very much 'in one ear, out the other'. So your dad won't recall that mom's unsafe to drive no matter how many times you tell him, and she won't remember what meds she's taken. They'll rely on older memories, from areas the disease hasn't gotten to, to determine what they can do. In those memories your mom could drive around without any problems. In actuality their memory loss sets them up to be unsafe. I'm very sorry.

Right now you're scrambling to preserve their sense of independence, but they're not really living independently. Unfortunately the disease has reached a point where your main decisions will have to shift to keeping them safe rather than respecting their independence, whether they like what changes that requires or not. It's very, very hard to try do this to a parent. It helps if you know that while they look and sound the same, behind that is a person who's struggling and perhaps scared that there's something going on that makes their world seem crazy. You can agree with them as much as possible, to help soothe them, while in the background you can make decisions to keep them safe. Lots of threads here on how to do that & some resources below.

At this point they may even need 24/7 support because the disease prevents them from being aware of their losses (anosognosia). Plans for aging parents with dementia are unique to every family, based on what resources are available. Decisions should take into account that the caregiver has their own life and must have time away from the caregiving. (This doesn't always happen, but a good plan should meet the caregiver's needs too.) Taking care of one parent with dementia in-home is quite challenging, taking care of two would be extremely hard indeed. Plus there's a whole level of angst around parent-child dynamics and the sheer repetitiveness of wrangling a person who can't recall any information from moment to moment. There is a lot of loss of the caregiver's personal space and ability to 'get away' and have space to breathe as well. Even if you're working from home it's difficult to focus.

You might want to consider if moving them into a facility or a good care home might be an option. Or it may be that your mom is at a point where she's a better candidate for a memory care. If she's getting lost while driving then she's going to be a risk for wandering as well. In that case most assisted living's won't want to take on the legal risk of her getting outside unescorted. I found that moving my mom to a key-accessed assisted living, and then into memory care as the disease progressed, allowed me to be in daughter mode rather than 'caretaker/manager mode' and it was a relief.

If you haven't already, assess what resources they have and what legal documents you might need. If they haven't designated a POA (power of attorney) then that needs to be set up. An elder care attorney can assist you with this. If you do move them in to care, then what most of us have done is to have the POA sell the home and use the proceeds to finance upkeep. The dogs could be placed with a reputable rescue. (It may be that the dementia is driving their peeing/pooping & the behaviors. As the disease progresses the person with dementia will lose their sense of things going on around them-even things like a smoke alarm going off— so it may be that the dogs' behaviors and their messes aren't really getting 'seen'.

These are good resources:

Hi Stephwolfrn - Agreeing with H1235 - Especially paperwork and being unsafe… And also with Emily - do make sure all paperwork is in order.

So sorry you are dealing with all of that.

Please do whatever it takes to get mom off the road. Maybe disappear the keys if necessary. Do keep in mind that should something happen if mom drives, insurance may not cover it.

As also mentioned, they may have anosognosia - this is not denial, but rather, a total conception that nothing is wrong and everybody else is just trying to aggravate them.

I am truly sorry you are dealing with this. I can sympathize with you as I am in the same boat. Moving them in with you is a HUGE step. We moved my dad in with us 11 years ago. When he moved in we had no idea about his memory issues. The first few years it was not a big deal but then we started noticing huge red flags. We are now 11 years into this journey and though his doctors all know that he has some form of dementia, we do not have an official diagnosis because my dad refuses to do a CT Scan that is needed. I gave up trying to force him into it because honestly, it just doesn't really matter at this point. He won't take prescribed medication for his diabetes, much less is he going to take it for something that he has no idea he has.

The only good thing about having a "memory" problem is that they will eventually forget the "bad" stuff, such as you rehoming the dogs. This may sound cruel, but really it is not….rehome the dogs and then claim that they ran away but that you guys are looking for them. Eventually, they will just forget about them because they will get used to a new routine. That is something that we have learned with my dad. Sometimes we have to do hard things for his own good, and even though he gets mad, he doesn't stay mad because he forgets what happened.

We also had to sell my dad's car. I contacted the state and told them about his memory issues and I asked that his license be revoked. They sent me a form that his primary needed to fill out. I had his doctor's office complete it and send it back to the state. Within a few weeks we received a formal letter from the state that his license would be revoked effective a certain date which was 6 weeks away. He was very angry and upset, but we blamed his doctors for that and he really couldn't do anything about it. He stopped driving and we sold his car. Again, he was upset but forgot quickly. That is our only saving grace. To anyone dealing with driving issues, I highly suggest you contact your local DMV and ask about having their license revoked. It was definitely one of the best things we have done. I hope this helps.