Wants to Help But Can’t

WIGO23 · July 21

My DH with ALZ asks me forty times a day if I need help with this or that. When I try to give him things to do or answer “yes” to helping me, 9 times out of 10 he cannot do the task. I cannot always predict what is beyond his ability because it goes back and forth. One day he can get me a glass of water. The next day he cannot find the glasses in the cabinet. Further complication is when it’s an essential task (like removing laundry from the dryer readying for the next load), he might fail at it, then I do it and he gets upset!

Does anymore else get caught in this carousel of wanting to help but can’t?

ChrisR68 · July 21

YES!!

My DH ask what can I do? I have now started saying, nothing baby I am all set but thank you! I have changed so much in my responses , am I right ? i have no idea but its better than having him get upset , he gets frustrated daily sometimes hourly with things. Its sad because he knows this is happening. I feel what you are going through :( on another thought, His Birthday is Saturday I am having a cookout for him with close family at his brothers lake house I have only a few going as not to overwhelm him, hoping he is happy! He will be 54. We and so many plans to travel and do things but life has taken us on another journey and I take one day at a time! My new favorite prayer is the serenity prayer !

Goodlife2025 · July 21

Yes, it is so very difficult when they ask to help on some quest to find meaning in their own day. I also struggle with the fact from day to day or even hour to hour what level of functioning may attempt any task suggested. I can not always say I don't need help because no matter how nicely I put it; she will only go away sad, not sure exactly why my answer did not make her feel better but give her about 2 minutes and she will ask again. Age 50, straddling stages 5/6, I know this too will pass and I will long for her to ask me again. Dementia sucks!

Chris20cm · July 21

It used to bother me a lot and I just started doing everything myself to maintain some semblance of order at home. Now, I have started letting DW do things that may not turn out the best, like putting dishes away in the wrong place, painting something and making a big or small mess, washing dishes and not getting them clean, putting groceries away in unusual places, etc.
My new attitude is, "What does it hurt?" So maybe I have to rearrange or fix a few things, what's the harm? A little inconvenience but at least she is participating and gets a good feeling from it.

BikingOldMan · July 21

count me in on this. My comes out to the asking if she can help, I give her a task, seldom I have come to expect nothing, and be thankful when the task does get completed. Confusion reigns, supreme! So sad, but it is our reality.

Barbie300 · July 21

Yes I experience the same thing. He can still put his laundry away and a few other things but I usually say there’s nothing more to do. Recently I went to a beauty salon and he always goes with me and reads while I’m getting my hair done and he usually gets a haircut too. He asked me if he could go next door and fill up the gas tank. I said ok since it didn’t involve much driving. When I finished, I walked next door and he was still at the pump trying to figure out how to pay with his credit card. Guess that chore is no longer an option for him.

AlekoW · July 21

I have a hard time with "re-dos." We raised an ASD & a GAD kid; "frontal-lobing" was an exhausting additional layer to parenting. Had a nice time with Offspring out on their own and not having to frontal-lobe anyone. Now it's sort of like that again: Re-rinsing dishes glassware (no fun drinking soap). I'm not looking forward for the increase in labor intensivity. I'm reading all y'all's experiences and trying to build up an internal immunity or something for it lands here. Y'all Are AMAZING people, do extraordinary things.

JulietteBee · July 22

Bless my DM's heart. She is constantly offering to help. I am constantly saying, "No, thank you."

The thing is, if she offers to wash the dishes, I have to wash them afterwards as she no longer uses dish soap and a sponge. She offers to fold towels. I have to redo them as she folds them fat and the linen closet is small. I have to then refold them in a way they will fit. I tried having her do her own laundry, until I saw her washing the the load that she had already washed, for a second time. Either that, or she mixes up the washer & dryer and tries pouring detergent in the dryer. I have no time or patience for redos, so I tell her "Thank you, it's all taken care of."

My hubby is so good with her. We order our meals from a meal service called Every Plate. He has her helping him to dice items, locate pots, or find the necessary items based on the recipe. He then thanks her profusely, which makes her feel so fulfilled.🥺

Wants to Help But Can’t

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