DH doesn’t allow me to go to medical appointments

lvander · July 25

My DH of 50+ years has always been “difficult” and fiercely private. He goes to the VA for his medical care and has 100% disability rating. He has shown signs for a few years of cognitive decline and then was also in an accident 5 years ago where he had a tbi in the frontal region. He refuses to allow me to go to any of his medical appointments. I have had conversations with his medical team over the phone relaying my concerns. From paperwork that he brought home I was able to see that over a year ago they did diagnose him with dementia but not sure how they came up with it . He has told me that they wanted to do a “bunch of stuff” but he refused it. If I try to get more information they are going to have to put this on his medical record and he will see that I have been involved. He gets angry very quickly and makes threats of leaving me. He still drives but very little and mostly sits all day with a little yard work sometimes. The Dr won’t tell him not to drive and our 4 sons live in other parts of the country. He’s not bad enough to be incompetent but gets delusional ideas occasionally now. Example of we were recently out to dinner with good friends and I was talking. My DH interrupted and I calmly said “excuse me I was talking” and I could tell he was upset but nothing said. 3 days later he now brings it up and said he won’t allow me to talk to him like that again. I am leaving for a week and he said while I am gone he is going to be moving our money around and he can’t live with me anymore! I started to defend myself and said he was the one who interrupted but quickly realized it was an argument I wasn’t going to win. He’s bad enough to not to be able to handle things long term by himself but day to day he’s fine. I’ve been advised that there’s nothing I can really do at this point. We do have all our legal affairs in order. This is my first post after reading on here on long time but just feeling so alone and frustrated.

jgreen · July 25

Dear @lvander Welcome. Sorry for the reason you have to be here.

Sounds like you are in a most difficult position. If you have your legal affairs in order and you are DH’s durable power of attorney, I suggest you meet privately with your attorney and let them know what is going on. If your husband has been diagnosed with dementia, then he is not safe to be left alone, let alone drive. You need to find out how to make sure your finances are in order and that he cannot touch them - he’s not capable of managing finances. And most importantly, you need to be safe.

I sure hope you are able to get some support and work things out for both of you. Please let us know how you are doing. We care.

lvander · July 25

I was told by a social worker through the VA just because someone is diagnosed with dementia doesn’t mean they can’t drive due to there are many levels.🤷‍♀️

terei · July 25

IMO you need to see a lawyer. The idea that he is ‘moving your money around’ (half of which is probably legally yours)while he is diagnosed with dementia, would be very startling to me. Make sure you have copies of investment/bank statements, taxes etc and consider trying to get guardianship or at least full control over half of your assets.

Ed's mom · July 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/278319#Comment_278319

Just now at our very first evaluation they limited LO driving, she's just being diagnosed. This was the suggestion: close to home, known places, not alone, I know where she's going.

Please listen to the people here that tell you to consult a lawyer. If he is moving money who's in control? You need legal advice.

sandwichone123 · July 26

If it were me, I would move money from shared accounts to a solo account. I don't know the laws everywhere, but that is legal here. I would not leave town with all my assets available to a person with dementia who is telling me they plan to move the money around and leave me.

easy23 · July 26

I agree with the others. I think that you should contact your attorney and get advice.

Do you have the passwords to your financial accounts? I would change them ASAP and don't tell him the new ones. I know he will be upset, but make up a story that the financial services company did it and that you will call them. Good luck! Protect your assets!

SDianeL · July 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/278319#Comment_278319

my husband's Social Worker at the VA said the opposite. Under no circumstances should he be driving. Dementia isn't just about memory. It's about Executive Function. Visuospatial difficulties that could cause them to run into the back of a car or run over someone. If someone is diagnosed with dementia in the medical records, and they are in an accident, even if it's not their fault you could be sued and lose everything. The insurance company could refuse to pay.

SDianeL · July 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76655/dh-doesn-t-allow-me-to-go-to-medical-appointments

If you have a DPOA you have every right to speak to his doctors. Take a copy to the clinic and give it to them. Ask to speak to his doctor and Social Worker. Explain the situation to them. Ask them to call or email you with updates and you do the same. You need to take control without his permission. Set up controls at the bank, credit card companies, etc. If not you could lose everything. Also as others have said, speak to your attorney. Your husband has Anosognosia which is a neurological condition where a person is unable to perceive or recognize their own mental or physical illness, impairment, or disability. It is caused by actual physical damage or differences in the frontal and parietal lobes of the brain—not by psychological denial.

lvander · July 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/278395#Comment_278395

I did check with our auto insurance and was told that a dementia diagnosis doesn’t affect your insurance coverage. I was told that anyone can sue you for an accident whether it’s dementia or something else. I know I was surprised to hear that and kept asking questions but got the same answer.

Michele P · July 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76655/dh-doesn-t-allow-me-to-go-to-medical-appointments

Please, take the advise from others here, and contact your attorney immediately to discuss this situation. You should already have DPOA that would allow you to take over all finances and access his medical records and team. Your husband’s brain is broken. You need to take control of the finances before he wipes out the accounts. We were told by USAA which is probably your car insurance company if your husband is a vet that an accident will not be covered with a dementia diagnosis because the person should not be driving. As others have stated, dementia impacts driving by effecting different parts of the brain. You can get sued for everything you own. The VA offers a driving assessment, and there are private companies that do the same. If your husband was given more in-depth testing, the doctors would have known how the disease is impacting his brain and driving. Most likely, they would have told him that he could no longer drive. I would not leave town without taking care of this. You could come home to way worse than what your husband has threatened to do!

notequipped · July 27

Do not leave a person with dementia that is threatening to move money around while you’re gone without securing said money before you leave. Just don’t. You need legal advice. Who specifically advised you that there’s nothing that you can really do at this point?

DH doesn’t allow me to go to medical appointments

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