Questions About Deceased Mother

denren · July 27

My Mom, who has Alzheimer's, asks about her deceased mother a lot. Her mother died over 20 years ago. Some days Mom believes that her mother is alive, and we go along with that belief. More often, Mom knows that her mother is deceased but thinks that it happened more recently, and that no one told her or took her to the funeral. It upsets Mom that she didn’t get to say goodbye to her mother. It upsets me to have Mom think that we didn’t inform her of her mother’s death and didn’t allow her to attend the funeral. My sister and I try to redirect, change the subject, share good memories of her mother but it hasn’t been working. On the few occasions when I told Mom that her mother died many years ago, Mom didn't believe me. Therefore, I’m unsure how to respond on the days that Mom’s aware of her mother’s death. Should I gently remind Mom that her mother died years ago and she attended the funeral, or allow her to believe that we kept the news from her?

H1235 · July 27

Welcome. Since you never know where she is going to be at (moms alive, mom just died), I would try to think of something vague you could say without really answering her question. Think like a politician. If she asks is mom alive. Say something nice about her mom or something you miss about her rather than answering the question directly. Or maybe ask her when she saw her last? If she thinks she recently passed could you tell her arrangements are still being made in the hopes that she will forget by the next time you see her. I would not tell or try to convince her her mom as passed. If she wants to see her or call her, put her off, make excuses. Every person with dementia is so different. I’m just trying to brainstorm a bit. I hope you can find something that works.

dancsfo · July 27

You mention that distraction isn't working, but that would be something I will keep trying. Can you do something like bring out her mom's photo, pretending to confirm if that's the person she's referring to? (Of course you know, but maybe pretend you had forgotten?). So it's like pretending that you don't remember well, which allows you to be noncommittal in your reply.

Given the inconsistency and unpredictability, I agree with @H1235 that it's very difficult.

[Deleted User] · July 28

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Arrowhead · July 28

My wife was convinced that her parents were still alive and living in the house she grew up in. On one occasion we went to visit our parent's graves; they're in the same cemetery. Standing in front of her parent's grave, she said that she knew they were dead, but that they were also still alive.

[Deleted User] · July 30

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harshedbuzz · July 30

@denren

I had this issue with my dad. My late sister had died almost 25 years prior but dad was hazy about whether she was sick, dying or dead. He'd often phrase the question "She's dead, isn't she?" Ugh. Eventually I landed on as using it as s segue to tell him funny stories about when she was younger and untroubled.

My take-away on this is that when this sort of line of questioning comes up, especially about a parent vs spouse, the PWD doesn't typically react as if this is the first they've heard of the death with tears and sadness. No, the reaction is anger at you for something you failed to do for them.

HB

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